Day 73.5: Whaddya Want From Me?!

I have that flipping song in my head, and there is really no reason. I didn't even hear it this morning, and for that I am grateful, however, it is still playing in my head. And sadly, I think that has become my new theme song. And really, it's my theme song to myself. I don't feel like anyone is asking anything of me that I can't handle. No one is pressuring me to lose more weight, or criticizing me for not losing enough. It's all about me. Tomorrow is the final BL weigh in at school. We have had 10 days for our final push to do what we can- I gained weight. 11 weigh ins and not ONCE did I have to report a weight gain, until now. According to naked scale, I am down 1/2 lb this morning, putting me at 19.5 which is still higher than last week. According to clothing scale this morning, I am up 1 lb from 10 days ago. Really!? I can sit here and come up with a million excuses as to why this happened, but we all know the truth. I didn't do enough. I hit 20lbs on the naked scale and threw my hands in the air and celebrated. And the weight started creeping back. I said I would be down 20lbs by the time I get on the plane, and that will be on Tuesday. Will I make it? I don't know. Another issue is, I keep moving the goal line. First it was 20lbs. Ok. The only scale I was using was naked scale. I got to 20 there. Then we started weighing in at school and even though that scale is 3-4lbs more than naked scale, I decided my 20lbs should be on THAT scale. I hit 17.3 and started going back up. There is no way that within 24 hours I will be down the pound that I gained, PLUS the difference that I originally needed. I also said I was going to wear THE jeans tomorrow, no matter what they looked like. I was hoping that would be enough to make me work hard enough so that I didn't have to care what they looked like because they would look awesome. Sadly, they look the same as they did on day 30- terrible. I will NOT be wearing them tomorrow A) because I am too embarrassed, and 2) because they STILL don't fit.  I also feel HUGE. i was just starting to feel thin, I was carrying myself differently, had a little spring in my step knowing that my pants were all too big, I bought size 12s (which I haven't tries since I bought them because I don't know if they will fit!) and excited about the fact that people were starting to notice a change. It's amzing how 1 pound can totally derail you. And now I admit defeat. I don't even want to weigh in tomorrow because I feel so crappy about it. And what do I do when I feel crappy? Eat. Awesome. Juuuuuust awesome.

73.5 days down... 106.5 to go because I wrote so early!