week 3 and the tale of why I've been so quiet

It's hard to sit down every day and be witty and funny (at least that's what I try to do) when you feel like crap. No, crap doesn't really describe it; more like an old deflated balloon. I feel like no matter what I do this time I can't seem to lose weight. I mean, I could literaly copy and paste my blog from last week and that would sum up my week again. Still counting calories. Still weighing my food. Still working out, and changing my workouts (just like I was told) a few times a week. And still gaining weight. It just doesn't make any sense. Thankfully it's not a huge amount of weight, but when all you want to see is the numbers go down, the last thing you want to see week after freaking week is the numbers slowly creeping up.

Yesterday I actually felt pretty good. It was the first day all week the scale finally broke my plateau number. My pants even felt baggy! I just KNEW that when I got on the scale this morning for the official weigh in that I would be ok..... until I got on the scale this morning and not only was I back up a whole pound from yesterday, but I am another 0.2lbs up from last week's weigh in (those of you keeping score... this is 2 weeks in a row of being up 0.2lbs from the week before.) I just don't get it. My poor husband is getting the worst of it. Every morning I jump out of bed just SURE that today will be a good weigh in. And every morning I crawl back into bed with tears streaming down my face about what a loser (and not in a good way...) I am. I'm sick of the cycle. Of course, I know I should do something about it. So this morning I did. I ate McDonalds. Now I know that isn't going to help matters what-so-ever. And I'm sure that when I get on the scale tomorrow morning I'm going to feel even worse about my decision. In fact, what I thought would heal my wounded heart this morning (since food makes everything oh so much better.........) is making me feel worse now. Let's just hope that this ridiculous amount of calories at 7 in the morning will actually jump start my metabolism.................. or something...............

Sigh. Anyone else feel this way??? Or am I the only one thinking of chopping off a limb just to see a lower number on the scale?!?!?! Yeah... I feared as much........

Operation: W.T.F

That's right... WTF? Those of you who know me, or at least followed this blog last year know that I may whine and complain and bitch... and complain.... and bellyache....about working out and/or dieting. And you also probably aready know that it takes me FOREVER to get motivated, but once I do, I'm like a bullet train, full steam ahead (yes, I KNOW bullet trains don't use steam... at least I don't think so.... but it's an analogy people... work with me!) and nothing will stop me. I start weighing out food, working out religiously, and start steadily dropping pounds. This time? Not-so-much........

After my kick-ass first week weigh in, I was feeling pretty damn proud of myself. I was in 1st place in one game, 2nd in another, and we won the couple challenge. I continued what I had been doing- counting calories, weighing food, and even started back up at the gym. The day after the weigh in, I was UP 1.5lbs. What?! Ok.... deep breathing...... I "dealt" with it. But don't ask my husband about it.... he will deny any "dealing with it"of any sort...... the weight slowly crept back down. Week 2 weigh in..... UP 0.2lbs from week 1. Ok..... BREATHE. I went back and read my blog from week 2 last year. I weighed in at 0.00% difference in week 2. I can handle this.... since then (Tuesday), I was UP another 0.2lbs Wednesday and ANOTHER 0.2lbs Today. W.T.F.

I haven't had a single cheat day, even though I thought at like 2 or 3 times I surely would.... I have worked out every other day (even adding a bonus Biggest Loser ass kicking last night (and yes Melissa, as promised, my ass HURTS!)) and yet, still, UP 0.6lbs since the week 1. Doesn't my body understand that continuing to do this is going to QUICKLY end my motivation!? Doesn't it realize that cash and prizes only goes so far, and if I keep this up, everyone will continue whizzing by me and there will be nothing I can do about it!? Isn't it in cohoots with my pants, when they are squeezing the life out of it, trying to hold the button steady until I can get to the privacy of my own home and take a deep breath again!? DOESN'T IT GET IT!? Apparently not. WTF.

Day 1 and 2ish

It makes me sick to know that I am back at day 1 again. How did I let this happen?! How did I not stop this?! Of course I can give you a million excuses and reasons, but you know what they say about excuses... At the end of the day, the reason is me (as much as I would love to blame someone or something else).

Day 1 came and went without too much excitement. I did my initial weigh in for 2 games, and emailed a picture to the group from my old school. Ten proceeded to want to run into traffic. What a number. I know that I officially lost 25lbs last year... And gained back 26. How freaking depressing. I also found out that a few of the girls at my new school (girls that I would KILL to like any day of the week!!!) are doing some extreme dieting tactics. I pass no judgement on their choices, but I feel like I have already lost the game. I mean really. How in the hell can I compete with regimented programs, pills, drops, and 500 calories a day?! I know, I know, I should care about the weight loss. I know, I freaking KNOW that I shouldn't compare myself with others and do this for me, and not worry about winning and all that bull, but really, if I could do that, I wouldn't be in this position in the first flipping place!!! So here I am, feeling like I have already lost before I even start.

To make matters worse, we figured out today that the scale at school is off. By a lot. Like 5-20 lbs off according to some people.... That means waiting ANOTHER day to start, when I already started. Sigh. The terrible drive this morning should have given me the indication that this was going to turn out to be a crappy day... But the real realization wasn't until mid morning when I saw my underwear was on inside out and I didn't even notice.... I officially have too much junk in this trunk.

What's My Motivation?

Does anyone remember those commercials from a while back where the prima donna actor can’t say his lines correctly, and everyone is on his back about it, and finally he says “what’s my motivation?” No? Well trust me, that’s how it went, and that’s how I feel. I know what I need to do, and I even know what it should look like, but really, what’s my motivation?

Since I don’t have a wedding dress to fit into in 7 months (unless I just awkwardly and randomly wearing it for daily events,,, food shopping? Wedding dress. Getting gas? Wedding dress. Ok probably not…) I needed something else to get me off the couch. What I’ve learned this week is, when I’m not motivated by a wedding dress, I’m motivated by cash and prizes. (and I don’t want the “thanks for playing, and as a lovely parting gift you get the home version of the game”)  I’m not only participating in one or even two Biggest Loser games, but THREE.  If that thought of losing to EVERYONE doesn’t get me up, than nothing will…. I was able to convince 5 or 6 girls at work to participate, so that’s at least  $50 on the line. Then, a few girls who I worked with last year suggested that I should play with them again long distance. What that means is that I will have to weigh in weekly at home and take pictures of the  numbers on the scale and send them…… knowing that all those people will see the specific numbers makes me want to vomit. Which may help the numbers on the scale actually…. Hmmmmmm. Kidding kidding, I will NEVER go that far. Anyway, I don’t know how many people are playing there, but that will be another good chunk of change on the line. The THIRD game, is between my friends and us. We are playing for something Vegasy since we are all going for spring break in March. We are still debating if it will be couple vs couple, boys vs girls, or every man for themselves. Either way, game on. My aunt actually (jokingly?) texted me this morning saying we should do a cross country version too… but I think 4 games might just be pushing it….  

Today we did the first diet grocery shopping. That is something I didn’t miss. Reading every single label. Debating between 2/3 cup of small pasta vs ¾ cup of larger pasta. Ridiculous. I’m already dreading what lies ahead for me… days of being hungry…counting every single morsel of food I put in my mouth...seeing what 150 calories of snack mix REALLY looks like... working out again and feeling the familiar burn when trying to walk. Or go up stairs. Or God forbid, sit. Goodbye chunky butt- hello burning thighs…..

The Great Meltdown of 2012....

Well, it's happened... I made it 6 days into the new year before I FREAKED OUT. I did the absolute worst thing a person who doesn't feel well, who is PMSing, who is tired, who is already VERY aware that clothes are not fitting can do.... I weighed myself. <dun, dun, dunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn> I found that not only have I gained every. last. everloving. pound. back, but I am actually above where I was a year ago at this time. Awesome. I took a deep breath and dealt with that, and continued getting ready for the day- the "baggy" sweater that is notsomuch baggy..... the unjean jeans which have been getting increasingly tighter since I bought them (weird....) and boots. Boots. Innocent boots. Until I put them on. I couldn't zip them up. WHAT!? Who can't zip up BOOTS!??!!? Me. That's who.
Well, thats it. The freaking boots pushed me over the edge. The tears started flowing. The hyperventilation began. The hysterics insued. Please keep in mind that this was at 7:30 in the morning and I was trying to leave to get to work! It is NOT cute when your husband has to zip up your boots for you, while you stand in all kinds of awkward positions trying to make your calves look skinny. There isn't a magic "suck it in" for your legs.........The worst part was after all that, I realized that I had nothing to take for lunch other than a yogurt and a 100 calorie pack, and I had NOTHING in the house for breakfast, so I ended up at McDonald's anyway! What I sight I must have been with my fat rolls, tight pants, boots partly zipped up, and tears streaming down my face.............a hot mess.
As soon as I got to school, I emailed the staff telling them that I am starting Biggest Loser... then I proceeded to give daggers at the backs of all my skinny coworkers as they walked down the hallway. Bitches. Skinny bitches. (ok that was harsh I know..... they aren't bitches at all. Just skinny. So I hate them today.) Sadly, the only person to respond to my invitation so far is a very sweet pregant girl who said that while this is a great idea, she won't be able to participate this year. Ha. We'll see what kind of response I get.... so far, I am going to be the Bigger Loser even if I gain 10lbs......

Is a Cheetah print Snuggie a fashion statement?

So..... I woke up this morning with a renewed sense of energy, will, heart, and readiness to start back on calories, and head back to the gym.... and a cold. A gross, everything hurts, don't look at me sideways cold. Not that that is any excuse really, but I'm making it an excuse. I dragged my stuffy self to my closet knowing that thankfully my no muss, no fuss, no ironing required EVER, stretchy work pants would be a perfect choice for today since I was already running behind, and not quite ready to face the first day back with kids. Well. the pants that I'm pretty damn sure fit me fine before break are now tight. Tight?! STRETCHY PANTS!? I have officially sunk to a new low.... Where does one go from stretchy pants?! I mean, I have long since put away the new cute skirts, and pants that I was wearing in May... the next size up came back out from the "fat closet" around September.... and were put back away by November when I  had to buy pants in the "I'm never going to be that size again so I'm going to get rid of ALL this grotesque clothes" size and THAT didn't stop me. But now, stretchy pants!? HOW DOTH THOU FORSAKE ME!? Thankfully, to shake the terrible feeling, I wallowed in greasy, salty, fatty, foods all day and night. I even suggested dessert, and my friends and I had to make a special stop for it! Even now, as I write this, I am shoveling animal crackers into my pie hole like a 3 year old trying to erase the feeling of the stretchy pants stretching until the last stretchy fiber could almost bear it no more... What will the future hold for me at this point? Moomoos? Tents? Car covers? All sound so terribly intriguing and exciting.... I guess we shall wait and see, but if anyone sees a sickly fat lady in the aisles of Walmart wearing seemingly nothing more than a cheetah print Snuggie, it's probably me....

Guess Who's Back... Back Again...

FATTY'S BACK! Tell a friend!

Just about a year ago, I started this blog chronicling my journey about losing weight, and the daily struggle of (wo)man vs. food. Ultimately, at the end of that journey, I won... sort of... Let's recap: It took about 6 months, but I lost 25lbs. I never quite got down to my goal number, but the wedding dress fit and I looked awesome (if I do say so myself! HA!). The wedding was amazing despite the monsoon, and people getting lost, and most of our picture spots getting closed down due to the weather. Then, about ooooooooh an hour into the wedding reception I started eating everything on the Italian buffet... then the all inclusive food and drinks on the honeymoon.... and then everything from Cancun to Denver and every suburb in between that wasn't nailed down. We bought a house, both started new jobs, had a Halloween party, and hosted our first Christmas Day family dinner. Combine that with stress, stress, and oh yeah STRESS, and that brings us to today. A year after the journey began, and about 6 months since the wedding. And right back to where I started and maybe even HEAVIER then I was in January 2011. Well isn't that special.....

Yup. Welcome to Groundhog's Day.
Yup. Welcome to Groundhog's Day.... wait.....

Last week, my husband suggested (ever so gently) that WE need to return to the gym, and WE need to get back on calories, and then WE (I) had a meltdown. Yes, very similar to the great trainer breakdown of '11. Since then, I have done nothing but wallow in self-pity, self-doubt, chocolate, fried foods, random snackage, and fat jeans. As I write this, the first wave of 100 calorie packs have emerged in the kitchen.... I know where things are going from here. I know where things need to go from here. I don't wanna. You can't make me. Ok, probably not true.

I don't know what this blog will truly be about- weight loss? weight gain? teaching life? married life? the fact that my husband indeed got jalapeno juice in his eye and had to wash it out with milk? probably all of the above. Stay tuned ladies and gentleman- its going to be a fLabulous and bumpy ride!