Thank you...

Thank you to everyone who read this blog, who got me through trials and tribulations, who listened to me whine, who talked me off the ledge when I needed it. I stopped writing because I felt like I had nothing more to say. I stopped working out. I stopped counting calories. I just stopped. Now here I am 2 1/2 weeks from the wedding... I never reached my final goal, and I can't seem to stay focused long enough to lose the last few pounds. Things I need to remember however is 1) I worked really hard and ultimately lost 25lbs. 2) the dress fits 3) John loves me for who I am, not who I could be, or who I wish I was, or who I strive to be. Me. Just me. And through all this, he always has. And to me that is the most important part of this entire journey. Yes, I am happy with what I was able to accomplish. No, I am not happy that I couldn't make it to my "walk down the aisle weight". But yes, I am so happy and so excited that in a few short weeks, I will be marrying the man I love. Thank you everyone for taking this crazy journey with me!
lots of days down... 17 days to go!

A Different Kind of Blog...

I know I have been absent from writing, but I just feel like I have nothing to say. I am still not doing what I promised, and I can't seem to push myself to finish what I started. Surprise, surprise. I am working steadily on small details so that everything is as perfect as can be for the big day. I have been working a lot on the outside, but today I need to work on the inside. Today's post is very real, very raw, and very much needs to be written so I can truly move forward. Read if you wish, ignore if you would like, judge if you must.

Dear You,
First of all, let me say thank you. Thank you for missing birthdays, and holidays, births, and deaths, and everything in between. Thank you for casting me, and everyone else in your wake aside. Thank you for being everything you said you would be... to everyone else in your life, as long as it wasn't the people who should truly matter. Don't bother trying to step up now, the damage has already been done, and it's way too late for "forgiveness".  We all feel this way so don't bother to try to manipulate others to do your bidding. It won't work. We're all smarter than that, and you really wouldn't have it any other way. Please don't dote on us to strangers, and have pictures of us out in public. I doubt you do, but just in case, don't bother. It's all a lie and everyone can see through your facade. I'm no longer angry, or even hurt. I'm annoyed. I'm annoyed that you couldn't bother. After all this time, you still couldn't bother. You have a new life now. Maybe it's a good one, maybe it's miserable- I have no idea either way. You have shut us all out. I predict that maybe one day, MAYBE you will think back with regret. Maybe you will consider trying to make amends. Maybe you will think that the life you threw away is actually more important, or at least just as important as the life you chose. Again, you won't. That would mean admitting you were wrong. That would mean you would have to stop blaming others, and stop forcing others to feel the need to take the blame. That would mean that your tightly woven web of manipulation would be unraveling. And you will never let anyone see that. Of this I am sure.  I am here to tell you that I am done. I am done taking the blame. I am done feeling backed into a corner. And most importantly, I am done being damaged. That's right. I have moved on.  I am about to marry the man I love, and I will no longer look back on what was before. I am only looking forward, looking ahead to my future. I will no longer be hurt by you. I will no longer be belittled by you. I will no longer feel like I have been tossed aside like yesterday's garbage by you. It's over. I'm done. It's takes two to tango and I am tired of being the one dancing alone. Have a good life, or don't. Either way, you will never be a part of mine again.

Day 109: What a Reject

*Note, this is TECHNICALLY being written on Friday, however it is very much Thursday's blog. I will (possibly) write again today for today's blog.... just go with it....

I'm a reject. It's official. It's not really a NEW realization, but one that hurts just as much as if it was (were?). Today I felt like I was 6 years old again, and my next door neighbor who I THOUGHT was my friend stepped out into the middle of our cul-de-sac while I was riding my bike, and LOUDLY chanted "I'm having a birthday party and you're not inviteeeeeeeeeeed!" It was painful as a 6 year old, and I have to admit, it was just about as painful last night when I realized that I am still not one of the cool kids. Now, it doesn't really matter what the event was, but the fact that I knew about it, was told I would be invited, and I would get more information later, and then never heard a single word about it again until I saw the posts about it reminding me that I was CLEARLY never really invited.... yeah.... that felt good. As I said, I have never been part of the cool kids club. I was never invited to parties in high school, or even college for that matter. I'm always the DD, even now,  because it's always just assumed that I wouldn't be drinking anyway (aka: party pooper). The list goes on, but I don't want to throw myself a pity party (I probably wouldn't be invited to that one anyway.... kidding....). I have normally been ok with not being part of the "in" crowd, because I have always had a small group of really close friends around me. There I was always part of the club, and always (usually) felt wanted. I realized last night that even this group is dwindling. I guess that's my fault too since I "chose to move" (aka: became the evil spawn of satan for wanting a change in my life) I am very grateful for the friends that I have in my life, but I wish that I was closer with some of them... especially the ones who are far. I even decided this morning that I was done blogging. I was done sharing my thoughts and feelings with people who don't really care. I have realized that most of my friends aren't even reading this! Then I decided, who cares!? Let strangers read it! Let people who used to be my friends, that I am pretty damn sure are reading this, read it! Let my family and future family read it! Let my co-workers read it! I have always been an open book, so why should I stop now? My struggle with weight loss has ALWAYS been public, so why not share it with the world?
And what does all this have to do with operation wedding dress? Not a damn thing. Unless you count the rest of the bag of Doritos I finished last night as I moped around the house. Or the full McDonald's breakfast that I scarfed down this morning because I was still in a crappy mood over this stupidity. Yeah, I guess you can count that.....
109 days down...72 to go!
PS- I love you John. Thank you for being my best friend.

Day 107: Who is Will and why does he have so much Power?

Whoever he is, he is no friend of mine. In fact, I am pretty sure he is the enemy. Let's get down to it shall we? I have no will power. None. Zip. Zero. And why??? I have no idea. I do fine alllllllllllllllllll day long, I even had my Qdoba for dinner, and then? Disaster. Chips and everything else random. This was NOT the week to start calorie count again, but I am trying. I will do better. I will lose the last few pounds. I WILL. I was thinking today about my "goal". I thought, well, if I can be 159, then I can be 155.... and well, I can be 150 and....... ok, I need to just stop. First of all, I will NEVER be skinny. I never have been skinny. I am just not built that way. I have never been thin or slight or small boned. I'm a big girl, and it is what it is. Will I reach my goal of walking down the aisle at 159? Absolutely. Will I keep losing weight and get back to my lowest of 137? No. It's not realistic. I can't maintain that weight, and I don't want to end up looking back on wedding pictures with regrets of "oh why can't I be that small again" etc etc. I need to reach my goal and be happy with it. I need to remember that John loves me for who I am, not the unrealistic numbers that i can't really reach. I WILL reach my goal and that is that. The end. And thanks for nothing Will........
It's official. Will. i. Am Power(less). Sigh.
107 days down...73 to go!

Day 106: It's Monday. THE Monday.

I swore that TODAY, I would get back on calories. TODAY I would stop giving excuses. TODAY I would get back on the damn horse and just lose the last few pounds I need to to reach my goal. And then came today. What. a. freaking. day. Let's just say, if I had known what kind of day I was going to have, there is NO WAY I would have pinky swore that today I would start counting again. I'm not going to get into all the nitty gritty that has nothing to do with what this blog about, but I will say this: remember when I said I never remember if you feed a cold and starve a fever or the other way around so I just feed an everything? Well, the number 1 thing I feed is PISSED OFF. My class is getting summer fever which is NOT GOOD. because we have a looooooooooooooong way to go before we are done. But they are making me CrAzY which makes me want to eat. So I did. Thankfully, I didn't have much at school to eat. I even brought last night's dessert and put it in the staff lounge so I wouldn't be tempted to eat 18 mini cakes and 2 lbs of strawberries and a bowl full of chocolate sauce by myself. Because I could. Bet me. I counted out my pretzels and cream cheese, some strawberries (with a TINY drizzle of chocolate. TINY.) and at my yogurt later. That + "breakfast" = 650 calories left for dinner. No problem. I would run my errands and then get Qdoba while I was out. I ended up being totally derailed by my errands and I left a store SO pissed off. Now I had to eat. Qdoba. I stayed focused. I went to Qdoba. They didn't have plain rice (I HATE cilantro. barf). Ooooooooook. So much for that. I head back toward my house. Noodles? Nah. BBQ? Nope. Now the anger and annoyance is building. food. now. Fine. KFC. Ugh. I pull into the parking lot, carefully figure out what I can eat and order. Pull up to the window. "we're out of biscuits. Dinner roll?" NO! No I don't want a freaking DINNER ROLL. Ugh. "No thank you!" I get home. Extra crispy fried chicken. Yup, exactly what I ordered..................................not. fkjsfggfFHFGGFG!!!!!! That's it. I give up. I ate most of it. I was left with 130 calories. I ate dessert. Sugar free dessert shell with strawberries and whipped cream. I went over my calories. by 30. Perfect. In fact, screw it. I just ate 5 Doritos.  I'll try again tomorrow. Sorry Sana Millee!
106 days down... 74 days to go!

Day 103: today's the day

So, ps, I'm still sick. I was in be by 8 last night (hence no blog) and 6am was still an insane struggle. I've been coughing every few minutes and my throat and lungs are so raw from it. I'm just a barrel of cute right now....
Anyway, today I assume is the day that I really break that 1/2pm barrier. I started the day with a sausage biscuit. Yes, I know I swore them off. Yes, I know it made me sick last time. Truthfully, I was banking on that again... As gross at it sounds. Then I ate a breaded fish filet at lunch. Why? I have no idea. Then red robin for dinner with cheese sticks and mayo on my burger because I forgot to say no mayo....idiot.... So yeah, I can assume today is the day that I have officially f'ed up enough to make me gain weight. Sigh. Although I haven't been counting calories and I'm CLEARLY not working out, I still feel extreme guilt for gorging. Monday. Monday HAS to be the day that I get back to it. I need to get to my walk down te aisle weight and THEN i can maintain. Monday. Yes, Monday. Who's with me?!
103 days down...77 to go!

Day 101: Stiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiill Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick

I'm sick of being sick. I'm sick of having a "colb". Now its turned into this lovely hacking cough that sounds distinctly like ebola. I have no idea if that's true. But I am coughing. And it's obnoxious. I never remember the correct statement- "feed a cold, starve a fever"? "feed a fever, starve a cold"? Whatev. I like my method: "feed a cold, feed a fever, feed a cough, feed a headache, feed a charlie horse, feed a muscle cramp, feed a pimple". It's pretty much a rule to live by I think. So of course, that's what I'm doing. Naturally. (and really, was there ever any doubt?) I think I have officially reached my breaking point however. I weighed myself a few minutes ago, and I am up 4.5lbs from this morning. Yes, I KNOW this isn't a true weight, but I also know what my bedtime weight usually is (and yes I KNOW I'm obsessive... and ridiculous...) and I think tomorrow will be the day that I officially gain weight. Which means HOPEFULLY, tomorrow will be the day that I really buckle down, and stop screwing around, and lose the last pounds. (I'm almost a poet and didn't know it). We shall see... For now, I am going to get to bed early and try to fight off this Swine Flu. Just kidding. I don't have swine flu. or bird flu. Don't call the cdc. Seriously.
101 days down...79 to go!

Day 100: Nyquil Blogging

Let me apologize AGAIN for being awol... John was home this weekend and instead of being SO distracted by having him home and all the fun we would be having and all the places we would go, I I was sick. all. freaking. weekend. long. I made it to the mall on Saturday afternoon and then promptly had to take a nap. I was up for a few hours, and then had to take a nap. I sat on the couch and watched John eat dinner.... and then had to take a nap. Sunday was more of the same. Bed, couch, couch, bed. Goodnight. Monday I desperate tried to call in sick and not go to work, but APPARENTLY putting in for a sub at 615am wasn't early enough, so I dragged myself in. Today, I am feeling less achy, (and THANKFULLY the really crappy feeling was gone by Monday) but I am still so congested that my "D's" sound like "B's" and I still clearly have a colb......... and about 20 minutes ago, I took Nyquil..... so please forgive me if my words startslurringandblendingfornoparticularreason.......................................
So that's my excuse as to where I have been. Truthfully, nothing has changed. I haven't worked out. I haven't gone back on calories no matter how many times I have said I was going to. I even had pizza and bread sticks (and let me state that I just typed "cread sticks" and looked at it for 30 seconds trying to figure out why the red squiggle was under the word... nyquil people... NYQUIL) so obviously there is no pressing need (except yes there is!) to go back on calories......I KNOW I KNOW! Where is your leader!? Where is the calorie warrior!? Hungry. That's where she is. Hungry and sweating. And I really REALLY like feeding her...... 6lbs. I need 6 (or 8....) more pounds and then I can be in the freaking 150s for the first time in FOREVER and I can happily main THAT instead of THIS. Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelp!
100 freaking days down! 100 days!!!! 80 days to go! (WHAT!?!?!?!)
nyquil.....ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzjfhsdFJGF;KGUHghsdkjvghkgjhsv................................

Day 95: When does your butt hanging out...

....stop being cute? Sadly, a looooooooooooooong time ago I fear..... I was having this very discussion with some of the girls at work today. We were discussing our childhood/teenage activities. I thought back on my days as a "gymnast" (classes offered at the local high school on the cheap for kids) and of course as a "dancer" (one year at Mrs. P's and I had just about enough of Surfin' USA thank you very much!). I don't know exactly when I took up couch surfing as my personal form of exercise, but I would imagine somewhere around the time that my fat rolls were the same size as my butt. And who are we kidding, jiggle isn't cute at any age.... past about 12 months old.... and I have very much passed that..... a few times.....So yes, that was the end of my "career". Nothing like being the chunky girl in the leg warmers when you are 4. Of course none of this has to do with ANYTHING  except that I am still the chunky girl (and why the HELL are leg warmers coming BACK?!) and my ass is still hanging out of clothes, as I was oh so delicately reminded today in the dressing room. It's ok though, I shut up my sorrow... with a Big Mac. Yes seriously. Yes I'm demented. Yes it was delicious. Yes I feel guilty. Yes I will do it again.....

95 days down...85 to go!

Day 94: Everything's better with cheese and chocolate

Melting Pot. Yes please. Delicious. Not helping the wedding dress situation at ALL, but it was mighty delicious. I went with my friend and had a girls' night, and every bite was totally worth it. It's fun to go sometimes without the boys (and yes John, I PROMISE we will go eventually!) because Melissa and I 9/10 times agree on what we want to eat. This goes for not only fondue choices, but just about any time we go out to eat. Usually she will order and I will just say "me too". Or "what are we havig tonight?". So fondue is no exception. We got everything we knew our signifcant others would HATE, and we loved every. single. bite.
Have I mentioned that I really, REALLY need to start eating better and working out again? Like now? yeah... I thought so..... sigh......
94 days down...86 to go!

Day 93: Who Needs Jimminy Cricket...

...as a conscience when you have my oh so reliable stomach? It goes like this: I go to dinner (yes, even though i KNOW I shouldn't. I am spending way too much money AND way too many calories....). I think long and hard about what I want to eat vs what I SHOULD eat. Want wins. I hear Jimminy.... "psst... PSST..... AHEM. PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSST! You really shouldn't be ordering that. You know you are going to regret it. You KNOW what's going to happen. You might want to trust me on this.... No? Ok then. Suit yourself.... idiot....." I brush off that pesky little Jimminy and I eat. And eat. And eat. And eat dessert. Lots. of. dessert. "HA!" I think to myself. What does my dumb conscience know anyway!? I might gain a pound, but I know I can lose it. I'm a big girl and I can do what I...... oh crap. My stomach has just gotten word of everything that I have eaten. And it's PISSED. Apparently, my stomach and my conscience are in cahoots about what I should and should not be eating. I should have known. This is not the first time my stomach has taught me a lesson (and sadly I doubt it will be the last). MaybeI should learn that if I KNOW it's not a good idea for me to eat something that my stomach will soon agree. Someday....

93 days down...87 to go!

Day 92: 6 of 1, 1/2 dozen of the other....

6 lbs. I have 6 lbs to lose to reach my goal. 6. flipping. pounds. And I have done absolutely nothing about it. I KNOW I can do it, that's not the issue anymore, but I really, REALLY like food. Real food. Food that doesn't have to be counted, measured, weighed, or written down. I think part of my issue is that I'm NOT gaining any weight. I know. Why the HELL am I complaining!? I'm not, TRUST me. I'm simply stating. I have been up and down the same 1/2lb for over a week. Day after day. And I think I am mentally trying to push the envelope to see just how far I can go before the scale makes a jump. I know, I'm sick. I KNOW I need to count calories. I KNOW. I just hate it. And I really REALLY love food. Dammit.

92 days down...88 to go!

Day 91: Cleaning out my closet

Today I went shopping for new clothes! The best part was, all the clothes were FREE, and the location was within walking distance! It's a little place I like to call "the second bedroom". (you have to admit, that's a pretty good name for a clothing store since MOST women I know have a 2nd bedroom (or closet, garage, basement, etc) of alternate wardrobes...) So yes, the second bedroom. I went in there to get random stuff to bring to Goodwill. I started with the closet, looking in boxes, and bags that I haven't looked in in a year. I found a few things to get rid of, so I moved on. Next was the dresser. I had no idea what I was going to find in there, but something told me to check the drawers for clothes to get rid of. Well! It was like Christmas morning!!!!!! Work pants GALORE. In sizes that actually NEED to be buttoned and zipped, but better yet, CAN be buttoned and zipped! I was SO relieved to find this stuff because a) I am sick and tired of having to safety pin my pants everyday and 2) because the pants are 2 sizes smaller than the ones I have been safety pinning!!!!!!

Now I have 2 completely empty drawers just waiting to be filled...... :) Sadly, I will be filling them with all the pants I have been currently wearing... I KNOW I should get rid of them so I can "never be that size again" but realistically...................... anyway...... that's what will go in those drawers. But tomorrow, I wear the NEW old pants to work! And Friday? My NEW NEW American Eagle size freaking 12 (I found AE 14's in the drawer too... HA!) jeans!

91 days down...89 to go! (I'm on the 2nd half!)

Day 90: 3 more months!

I can't even believe that in 3 months from today I will be walking down the aisle, and by this time, I will be a MRS!!!!!! I know I know... everyone said the engagement would go by fast. I thought they were all liars. They weren't. And now here we are 3 months until be the big day and i still have a shit ton to do! Is anyone a wedding planner? Personal consultant? Personal trainer? Want to work for free? Didn't think so..... 3 months!!!!!!
Ok, ok, I'm beating around the bush... anyone who reads my blog regularly, or at least read it last night knows that today is the day that I tried on my wedding dress. Before I tell you how the fitting went, (and those of you who are my friends on FB, don't ruin it!)let me again recap how it went in September..... picture it...... the end of my engagement party..... me, upstairs with family, future family, and friends. "ooooooo! Let's see the dress! OOOOOOOOOOO! Put it on!!!!!!!" (me~ struggle, struggle, grunt, sweat, grunt, squeeze, suck it in, no breathing) "Oh. um. nice. or something. um. I don't QUITE remember it doing THAT when you bought it. Hm. Let me just adjust.... uh never mind. Let's loosen it a bit shall we? Oh. Iit IS loosened. Great. Well. Then. Um. Maybe if we just..... no? Ok. Well. Hm. Don't freak out or anything, but perhaps, and this is just a SUGGESTION of course, um, but PERHAPS you need to start eating just yogurt again for lunch and counting calories again.... liiiiiike yesterday. Perhaps. Or something....................." So yeah. That's pretty much how it went. Not a pretty memory. Today, standing in the same room as I had been in September, but this time 22lbs lighter, I held my breath. The dress emerged from the closet. It looked a looooooot smaller than I remembered. Just me and my future aunt this time. 30 seconds later (after finding my way through the maze of crinoline) I emerged unscathed through the neck hole. "Go ahead and tighten it!" I happily called. "I already did!!!!!!" was the reply! WOOOHOOOOO! We cheered. And screamed. And hugged. And screamed some more. Poor John was downstairs wondering if these were screams of joy or screams of agony. We assured him that all was well. After more hugging, a bit of twirling, and a few pictures, I said goodbye to my beauty. I haven't stopped smiling since.

I won't get into everything that I ate today.... but let's just say that I think I found my horse.... and it may have inadvertantly gotten deep fried somewhere along the way...... I think I need a new one. Monday. It's happening. Despite my victory today, I know I still have 8 lbs to go (probably more like 11-12 after today.....) and I need to tighten my abs and tone my arms. I may be 1/2 way done, but I still have a ways to go!!!!!

90 days down.... 90 days to go!!!!!!!

Day 89: Like I'm going to the chair....

Yup. That's what I've been eating like. It's my last few hours on earth, and soon I will be heading to the chair. Good. ness. As I said yesterday, I don't really know what my issue is. Maybe its the fact that I THINK I am skinnier now than I was when I bought my dress? Maybe because I'm so happy I'm wearing 12s? I dunno.... whatever it is, I'm out of control. Tomorrow is the day I try on my dress for the first time since Sept. September when I was "politely" told that perhaps I should go back to having yogurt for lunch. And perhaps I needed to start working out again. It still wasn't until January (after gaining MORE weight that I finally decided that it was time to do something about it..... and now after months of hard work, after losing 22.5lbs (according to naked scale of course), after getting in to pants I haven't worn in YEARS, I can't stop eating real food. I'm TERRIFIED about putting on my dress tomorrow...... I KNOW it will fit me better than Sept... and I THINK I weigh less now than last June when I bought it.... but I'm still worried. Perhaps I need it to be tight so i will go back to counting calories and working out. But damn that's going to really suck if I still look like 20lbs of shit in a 10lb bag..... I'm shooting for only 13.5.....
89 days down...91 to go!
aaaaaaaaaaaaaand holy crap.... I just realized that I'm trying on my dress tomorrow which will be 90 days down, 90 days to go! The 1/2 way point! AND it will be the 9th!!!!!!!! Which means exactly 3 months to go!!!!!  Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand now I'm even more stressed out!

Day 88: I'm too sexy for my pants

Have you ever noticed how often I discuss my pants? They are either leaving a red ring of death (which thankfully hasn't happened in a while!), able to pulled off without unzipping or unbuttoning, zippers falling, or new ones entering my closet. Today, I experienced 3 of the 4. Thankfully the good 3. Today I went back to American Eagle to see if the pants I ultimately wanted were on sale yet. They were!!!! YAY! And then the guy said they are being clearanced out! NOOO! But then he reminded me that they were were cheaper AND I could use my coupon! YAY! But then they didn't have my size! NOOO!  But I am wearing a 12!!!! A 12!!!!!!!!! YAY! But I still needed a regular length and all they had was long or short! NOOO! But then I realized that I am shorter than I thought and the "short" length would work fine as long as I don't put them in the dryer! YAY!
So all in all it was a good trip. I actually bought 2 pairs of the same size (12! A FREAKING 12!!!) and style so I have a backup pair. That may have been a little unnecessary, but I have to take precautions in case the jeans really don't come back as "new and improved" in August like I was promised. PROMISED. You know what that means.... it surely wont happen. Ever. SO now I have a backup pair. As long as I stay the same size. God willing. They are still a BIT snug, but I know that going up a size will only lead to "doody (doodie?) butt" within an hour of wearing them, and well, that isn't cute at any age. Especially not this one.

Saturday is the day I try on my wedding dress for the first time since Sept. I'm scared. Part of my issue is that I know I weigh less now than I did when I bought it (yay!) but I don't know if I have done enough. And part of my (ok all of me) really likes eating real food, and right now it is SO easy to say "oh well I weigh less now than I did when I bought it so I can stop doing calories." The other part of me just KNOWS that 20lbs isn't enough, and I have to get to 30..................... Ugh. I wonder which side will win? Angel food cake? or Devil's food cake? Wait.... I mean, ANGEL or DEVIL. dammit.....

88 days down... 92 to go!

Day I have no idea (87 I figured out): Excuses are like @$$holes....

Everyone has them, and they all STINK. Here is a list of excuses as to why  I haven't blogged:
1. I was in Florida
2. I was staying up WAY too late when I was in Florida
3. I was having too much fun with my nephew in Florida to care about blogging
4. I was oddly ill the day I came home from Florida to the point that I didn't think I would be able to get on the plane.... but I made it.
5. When I got home from Florida on Sunday, I slept. Almost the entire day.
6. Monday I was lazy. And still on EC time.  Yup, that's it.
7. Tuesday I was INSANELY busy as my (awesome!) kids choir at school sang the national anthem at a Rockies game!

And here we finally are today. Since my last blog many many days ago, I have eaten approximately everything. And no I don't think I'm exaggerating. Although I wish I was. Today for example, I went to dinner with John and my soon-to-be father in law. We went to a local brew pub with local brew pup fare. After scouring the menu, I found what seemed to be the PERFECT Lisa meal- grilled cheese AND a blt... TOGETHER. ON. ONE. SANDWICH. Other than the fact that I knew that this monstrosity would be approximately 48658756438 calories, nothing prepared me for what was brought out of the kitchen. In fact, when it was placed before me, I didn't even recognize what it was as compared to the description on the menu. It was in fact grilled cheese and a blt together.... however, it was an entire grilled cheese sandwich and then placed gingerly on top was an entire slab of bacon. Not. kidding. I wish I had the forethought to take a picture of it before dismantling it to attempt to eat it. Never in my entire life have I EVER seen so much bacon in one place. Unless you count the grocery store. Or a petting zoo. Which I don't. And the best part? I ate it all! I'm totally kidding. Yes, I am. I have proof of 1/2 the bohemith in my fridge. Not to mention the 70% of bacon that I put on John's plate. Because CLEARLY he's not counting calories this week either. It is seriously time for me to get back on the horse.... if I could just find the damn horse.........
87 days down...93 days to go!

Day 81: Is it possible...

to undo 79 days of good in 2 days? I believe so. And I still haven't stopped. Today I went to dinner. At CHILI'S! <gasp!> I know I know... I swore I would never go again... and I did.... and I ate.... good. ness. The good news? I will be home on Sunday and then it will be ON. Calories? yes. Gym? yes. Belly aching and bitching? Absofreakinglutely! As least I walked again today.... I should still be walking..... and I should walking until Sunday. But clearly I won't. I tried on THE jeans today. Thank God I could still button them. And they were right out of the dryer. But it was 90 degrees today. So I took them off immediately. Yuck.
81 days down... 99 to go!!!!

Day 80: panic at the disco

Day 80. 100 to go. Panic. I could stop there really. 100 days from now I will be walking down the aisle and whatever work I have been doing will be behind me. Today however, on day 80, I babysat my nephew all day. And ate. All day. Seriously. This is not an exaggeration. All. Freaking. Day. I ate the other half of my sub (with mayo) tons of Cheez doodles and too many cookies. I lost count. There were 36 in the package last night when I bought them. Today there are zero. So let's say I ate somewhere between 1 and 35. Yea really. They are that good. And in suddenly glad I can't get them in co. And I already said I will not be buying anymore. I stupidly weighed myself today. Oh boy. Let's just leave it at that. I'm panicking. Yes again. And no I haven't stopped eating. At least I walked 2 miles today. I needed to walk about 22 I fear.....
80 days down... 100 (last day of triple digits!!!!) to go!

Day 79: Airport Blogging

WARNING!!! This post contains TMI. I repeat, this post contains T.M.I. Proceed with EXTREME caution.....

Don't say I didn't warn you!!!!! 

So here it is. Day 79. I am sitting in the Denver airport waiting for flight #1 to Austin (hi Jane!) and from there, flight #2 to Florida. It's going to be a loooooong day of travel and thanks to 2 time changes, it will officially feel like forever until I get to my final destination. Anyway, I'm at the airport. Crazy early because John obviously needed to get to work. It's amazing how quickly one can fall back into old habits isn't it? I customarily get to the airport, go through security, take the train to my concourse, and eat. Of course what do I eat? (Say it with me now.....) MCDONALDS. Duh. Today, like clockwork, I got to the airport, went through security, took the train to my concourse, and immediately get right in line. What the H E double hockey stick was I doing!? Did it stop me?! Of course not..... I ordered my full former daily breakfast. Sausage biscuit meal with a diet coke. Yes, I'm still the diet coke girl.... I tell myself that it will be ok since I will be on the plane for most of the day and I wont really be able to eat, and I will still stay within my calories. As I was eating, I realized that the breakfast I used to crave, the one I would kill for, really wasn't all that delicious anymore. HALLELUJAH. I was so happy to realize that I really haven't missed much (except for tons of extra calories) since giving up this breakfast 70 something days ago. As I was rejoicing, my stomach was suddenly questioning my breakfast decision. "I'm sorry.... you thought that eating THAT was a good idea today becauuuuuuuuse????" I could almost hear it rumble. I immediately regretted my decision. After the last few days of food fest, and the immediate regret, one would think that I would have made a better decision this morning. But I didn't. And I paid the price. As an added bonus just for fun my "Aunt Flo" made an earlier plane than expected and caught me completely off guard. Greeeeeeeeeeeeeeat. After 2 bathroom stops at the machines, 3 little stores with no luck, I finally had to break down and ask someone for help. Thankfully she was my savior, and the crisis was averted. Sigh. So that's my day so far... and it's only 930. Let's focus on the positives for a moment shall we? I was back down my 2 lbs this morning which gets me on the plane 20 lbs lighter as hoped. In a few short hours, I will be with my family and friends. I have 4 1/2 days of fun ahead regardless of the crappy weather. Let's just hope my flights have more smooth sailing than my morning......
79 days down...101 to go!

Day 78: fatty fatty is backy backy!

It's ALOT harder to blog about weight loss when you're not counting calories and the numbers on the scale are already starting to creep back the wrong way. I have no one to blame but myself. I have an unhealthy obsession with food- and not the good kinds like fruits and veggies and proteins. Oh hell no. I like carbs and fat and deep fried carby fat. Reeeeeally helpful. Today was a LITTLE better than yesterday, but not much. I already know the next 6 days are going to be a disaster food wise. Im bringing THE jeans with me on vacation in hopes that I will still be able to wear them by the time I leave. Im also bringing gym clothes. I WILL use them. I have to. Or I'm going to be in deep doodoo....
We'll see what happens! I'm not making any promises about blogging for the next week either. I will be with family, friends, and my chunky cheek nephew until Sunday. I will do my best to stay focused and not go too overboard..... I hope I can do it.

78 days down...102 to go!

Day 77: good day/ bad day

Good day- spent the day with John
Bad day- 3 errands we tried to run were foiled by places being closed on sundays

Good day- spending time with good friends
Bad day- eating one of everything on the menu. Yeah. That much. Seriously.

Good day- finding a really cool thing for my centerpieces
Bad day- having no idea what to do with the really cool thing for my centerpieces

Good day- artichokes!!!!
Bad day- artichokes are still not quite in season

Good day- finding the croc store in the huge mall
Bad day- not one single pair fit and I REALLY need to exchange the ones I have

Good day- not having to set my alarm for 545 because I'm on SPRING BREAK!!!!
bad day- having early morning errands to run and having to set my alarm anyway

Good day- having THE BEST almost hubby EVER
Bad day- nothing :)

77 days down...103 to go!

Day 76: Cry Baby

So today was yet another roller coaster day. I know the basis of why, but I will spare you the gory details. I finally made it back to the gym and discovered that last week's easy 60 minutes of cardio has again become a painful 20. I guess now I know what happens when you are a SLACKER and don't go for almost a week.... I was meeting my friend at noon, so I decided to come home do the quick ab ripper from p90x (ow by the way. I have HUGE respect for people who can do any/all of the p90x program. It's INSANE) and get going. I started doing the dvd and 30 seconds in I was already struggling. What the hell happened to getting stronger!? I feel like I am getting weaker by the day. Instead of pushing through, I quit. Not only did I quit, but I sat on my floor, in gym clothes, in front of the paused "crunchy frogs" move, and cried. Cried because I couldn't do it. Cried because I feel like I haven't been doing enough. Cried because I feel like I am starting to look better and then I stand next to someone who looks AWESOME and I can't be them, and I don't look like them, and I want to etc. etc. etc. Good. ness. Get a grip. I have ALWAYS been a crier. Always. I feel like it gives me some sort of control in a situation when I don't have control. I know it doesn't help anything. And I damn well know that sitting in front of the paused dvd doesn't count as actually doing it. But at that very moment, that's all I could do. However, when I weighed myself, I was down a 1/2lb from this morning haha (have I mentioned I'm a compulsive weigher inner?), so I guess the crying did SOMETHING. Ok, so probably not.....

Anywho.... I finally got myself together and moved on..... to Sonic where I had tots, and a burger. Oye. I was still in my calories, so I thought I would be ok.... until I had dinner..... and lets not even talk about that shall we?! Don't worry, you don't need to lecture me... my stomach already did plenty of reprimanding of its own! TMI. I know.

OH! And I got my wedding invitations done today! Thank you Melissa!!!!! They are so stinking cute and I can't wait to send them out!!!! 

and totally unrelated, I <3 Back to the Future. It's on right now and I couldn't help but watch the last 20 minutes. And "It's the Libyans" still sounds like "It's the Olympians" to me. Don't judge me.

76 days down...104 to go!

Day 75: and nothing else matters

Soooo I can go on and on about all the ins and outs of the final bl weigh in. I could go on and on about everything I ate today. I could go on and on and ON about how happy I am to be on spring break. But I won't. I will say this only: I list 20.2 lbs on the clothing scale! I didn't win, and really wasn't even close, but my goal was 20lbs by today and I reached it. I also wore THE jeans even though I said I wouldn't, and they weren't as tight as I feared :) all in all, it was a good day! I am SO proud if everyone who played and lost weight. 195.5 lbs lost as a team!!!!! Woohooooo! Today we are ALL losers (in a good way of course!)
75 days down...105 to go!

Day 73.5: Whaddya Want From Me?!

I have that flipping song in my head, and there is really no reason. I didn't even hear it this morning, and for that I am grateful, however, it is still playing in my head. And sadly, I think that has become my new theme song. And really, it's my theme song to myself. I don't feel like anyone is asking anything of me that I can't handle. No one is pressuring me to lose more weight, or criticizing me for not losing enough. It's all about me. Tomorrow is the final BL weigh in at school. We have had 10 days for our final push to do what we can- I gained weight. 11 weigh ins and not ONCE did I have to report a weight gain, until now. According to naked scale, I am down 1/2 lb this morning, putting me at 19.5 which is still higher than last week. According to clothing scale this morning, I am up 1 lb from 10 days ago. Really!? I can sit here and come up with a million excuses as to why this happened, but we all know the truth. I didn't do enough. I hit 20lbs on the naked scale and threw my hands in the air and celebrated. And the weight started creeping back. I said I would be down 20lbs by the time I get on the plane, and that will be on Tuesday. Will I make it? I don't know. Another issue is, I keep moving the goal line. First it was 20lbs. Ok. The only scale I was using was naked scale. I got to 20 there. Then we started weighing in at school and even though that scale is 3-4lbs more than naked scale, I decided my 20lbs should be on THAT scale. I hit 17.3 and started going back up. There is no way that within 24 hours I will be down the pound that I gained, PLUS the difference that I originally needed. I also said I was going to wear THE jeans tomorrow, no matter what they looked like. I was hoping that would be enough to make me work hard enough so that I didn't have to care what they looked like because they would look awesome. Sadly, they look the same as they did on day 30- terrible. I will NOT be wearing them tomorrow A) because I am too embarrassed, and 2) because they STILL don't fit.  I also feel HUGE. i was just starting to feel thin, I was carrying myself differently, had a little spring in my step knowing that my pants were all too big, I bought size 12s (which I haven't tries since I bought them because I don't know if they will fit!) and excited about the fact that people were starting to notice a change. It's amzing how 1 pound can totally derail you. And now I admit defeat. I don't even want to weigh in tomorrow because I feel so crappy about it. And what do I do when I feel crappy? Eat. Awesome. Juuuuuust awesome.

73.5 days down... 106.5 to go because I wrote so early!

Day 73: When I zip, you zip, we zip

I am 99.9% sure that this is the theme song for every pair of pants that I own. Suddenly, they have a mind of their own and no longer want to stay zipped at any point in time. This is not only generally obnoxious, but also frustrating. These are the same pairs of pants that last week were so big that I could put them on and take them off without having to unzip or unbutton them. These are the same pants that were SO tight 2 months ago that they always left a red ring of death. And now, suddenly, after LOSING 20ish lbs, they start unzipping on their own free will!?!?! Then I start to panic... have I been walking around with my pants unzipped for weeks? months? YEARS? and no one mentioned it to me!? I can't imagine that this is so because I'm pretty sure I would notice. I mean lord knows I notice  it now. And its SO ANNOYING. It still leaves me wondering as to why is this happening!? Have I gained 2 lbs back? yes. Am I a little bloated? Yes. Is this cause for my pants to suddenly try to run away from my body!? I don't think so!!!! If anyone has any suggestions or logical rationales for why this is suddenly happening, I am totally open to it... well, at least my pants are anyway.....
73 days down...107 to go!

Day 72: Oopsey Daisy!

Sooo I just realized I never blogged last night. I was in a crappy mood and didn't feel like doing much of anything other than sulking so that is probably why this didn't get done. Here is the RERALLY shortened version:
1. I have GAINED 2 lbs since last Monday. Isn't that special? At this rate, not only will I NOT be at -20lbs by the time I get on the plane, but I may be closer to +20lbs. Ok. Probably not. But it sounds much more dramatic that way.
2. I hate the gym. Yes still. I even tried going to a new location yesterday. One that looked BEAUTIFUL. And it sucked. I have never seen such a poor layout in any building. Locker rooms WAAAAAAAY on the other side of the gym so you have to walk in between people groaning and grunting and flinging sweat everywhere. (Although it did allow me to see the guy with the house arrest ankle monitor. That made me chuckle. I mean why would you wear SHORTS if you had an ankle monitor???) The group X room was elevated just enough so that when you walk past the glass wall (of course) you get crotch shots. Ridiculous. I will NOT be going back there any time soon.
3. I need Kettle Brand BAKED Salt & Vinegar chips. NEED THEM. I have been to the 2 places where I used to be able to buy them and they don't have them. I bought white cheddar instead.... I need S & V.
4. I am TERRIFIED that I am going to be a crappy wife. I'm not going to get into it, but I'm terrified.
5. All these things are what put me in a crappy mood. Especially 1 and 4. Hopefully today will be a better day. Hopefully.

72 days down...108 to go!

Day 71: Off the wagon

Or is it on the wagon? Which way is it when I'm doing things I'm not supposed to be doing? That's the one I'm doing. I just cant seem to get myself back into a routine of eating right and working out. Any excuse that I can come up with, I'm using. Today I even drove my gym clothes all the way to work and back, and I STILL didn't work out! WTF? I dunno..... I even weighed myself at work today just to check in, and thankfully, I didn't gain weight after this weekend's binge fest. I mean I was up a few oz from last week, but I had also just downed the equivalent to a Big Gulp. But still. After a week I should be down SOMETHING, but I wasn't. And I was surprised!? Did I think the weight was just going to magically fall off? Did I think the weight loss fairy that has been laying dormant for so long would suddenly wake from it's slumber and make me skinny? Did I think I could just will the fat away? Did I?! DID I!?!?!?! Secretly? Yes..... Of course none of these things happened. And instead of it lighting a fire under my butt to get back to the gym, I came home and ate 3 more pieces of pizza. Because APPARENTLY, my 4am tummy wake up call from last night wasn't enough to deter me..... What is wrong with me?!?!?!

71 days down...109 to go!

Day 70: whoa nelly

So apparently (and by the way, I have learned from many the tale that when a story starts out with "apparently" that no good will come from it....) so apparently.... Once I start eating, I can't stop. Awesome. What a great trait to have. We all know Friday was bad. Then came Saturday, also bad. Today I went to lunch with a friend I haven't seen in a year. Another bad choice. Then it was 8pm and I hadn't eaten dinner yet so we ordered pizza. APPARENTLY, my body thought today was a free for all. I ate 4 count 'em FOUR pieces of pizza and 2 breadsticks. I dont think I have ever eaten that much in my entire life, so might as well do it now while I'm counting calories right?! Crap. My excuse is even though my lunch was high calorie, it was not a large quantity so therefore I was REALLY hungry. Apparently.

I don't want to end this on a sour note, so I will say this- I bought 2 pairs of capris yesterday to wear in fl next week. Both of them are a size......12! Now god willing they actually still fit after today's buffet......
70 days down...110 to go!
Oh! And I am quickly approaching 2000 views of this blog!!!! Woohoo! Thank you for reading!

Day 69: what had happened was...

I'm a lightweight. That's the long and short of it. John an I decided that since I'm such a picky drinker that we needed to try different champagnes to decide what we wanted for our toast at the wedding. We selected a few to try and went on our merry way. I jokingly said "should I blog before or after I drink?". John said it would make more sense if I blogged first but it would be much more entertaining if I blogged after I drank. Gee thanks. Well I wasn't even given an opportunity. As soon as we got home from dinner, John was popping corks. I think he wanted to get me drinking before I changed my mind. His ploy worked. I hated 3 and loved 1. "Why didnt we get more of this brand?" I giggled. "Let's go get some!" John excitedly replied. After 3 sips and a glass I already couldn't drive. So we walked. The small liquor store right by the house didnt have any of the brand we wanted. We made it almost all the way home when I brilliantly remembered there was another liquor store a mile away. We can walk!!!!! I would later regret that. We walked there, bought what we wanted and then headed back. Here's the thing about walking a mile somewhere- you have to walk the mile back! We made it home and again John quickly popped the corks before I could change my mind. Not only did we find a champagne for the toast but I found one that I REALLY liked. And John kept pouring. And I kept liking it. And he kept pouring. Somewhere in there I realized I never blogged, but there was no way I was going to be able to anyway.... And that is the story about how I never blogged yesterday. And how I am the biggest lightweight on the planet. The end.
69 days down...111 to go!

Day 68: Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaterrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I am a big. fat. cheater. No, no, not in the relationship sense, but in my relationship with food. I told myself LAST weekend that THIS week I wasn't going to allow myself a cheat day. I was going to work out hard core and not go over my calories once. And then there was today. Today we received some pretty crappy news at work.... and when you receive crappy news, there are only 2 options: eat or eat & drink. Five of us work girls went out to lunch. Soup, salad, and breadsticks. Sounds harmless enough, but I knew better. I had recently looked at the calorie count for such things and knew that consuming the trifecta would blow my calories for the day, let alone lunch. So I only ordered soup. And I only had one bowl. And one breadstick. And 2 olives. And one more breadstick. And a few more olives. And one more breadstick. And 1 1/2 Andes mints to finish it off. Wooooooooooonderful.......... This left me with around 550 calories left for dinner. Ok, no problem. i could do this. Until it was 8pm and we hadn't eaten dinner yet. We went to Fresh Fish Company, which again sounded harmless enough. They even go as far as to list the calorie count next to some of the healthier options! Yesssss! Except that ALL the food I consumed didn't have calories listed. And you know that when calories aren't listed, much as when prices aren't listed, that it isn't going to be a low number. By this point, I had consumed the ENTIRE loaf of sourdough bread that they brought to the table. Crap. That was at least the 550 I had left and I hadn't even ordered yet. Aaaaaaaaand with that, it was officially a cheat day. We skipped the creme brulee even though it looked fantastic, but somehow (and I wasn't driving or ordering so you can't blame me...............) I ended up with an ice cream cone from McDonalds in my hand 30 minutes later. Well, it would be SUCH a shame to let it go to waste....... There go all my good intentions for the day and possibly for the week. And just when I officially reached 20 lbs on the naked scale. Dammit.
68 days down...112 to go!

Day 67: TGFJJ

Seriously. So today was a loooooooooooooong day. After teaching all day, we had conferences from 3:30-7. Around 1030 I realized that not only did I forget to bring the rest of my lunch other than grapes, but I also forgot to bring something for dinner. It's ok. PTA always provides dinner for us on these days so I figured I would just eat that. Until we got an email saying that PTA would not be providing dinner. Crap. So now what!? I can't survive on 1 hashbrown and a cup of grapes I'm pretty sure. And then I got the savior email. Jimmy Johns who does not usually deliver to our school (because we are 1 traffic light past their delivery zone..................................) would deliver for us today! Score! Not only was I going to get food, but I was also going to stay within my calorie count! I even splurged for the mayo! All in all, it was a victorious day. I was too tired to go to the gym when I got home, so I decided to walk my stairs. Especially since I had just watched Shedding for the Wedding and the challenge was a stair climber (and the Gator team was sent home! Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!) Yeah.... about those stairs.... I walked them for 5 minutes until there was a burning in my chest and back. And then the coughing fit started. And then I was done. And then I ate a cookie. Sigh. Some habits will never die.....
67 days down...113 to go!

Day 66: Nondenominational Guilt

Today is my off day from the gym. I know I need it. My body is telling me I need it. My brain is saying I need it. Kinda. My brain also told me to choose french fries instead of steamed herb potatoes at dinner. It also told me that one kind of cake batter frozen yogurt wasn't enough, I needed 2. And now my brain is telling me to feel guilty about enjoying a good dinner and dessert without earning it. Now one could argue (and I am one) that I damn well earned it during my suspension training yesterday. Somewhere between swinging from my ankles and standing pushups MUST have earned me some Yogurtland right!? Yet, here I am, wracked with guilt. I really don't know why. I absolutely stayed within my calorie count today. I only ate 5 1/2 oz of yogurt when I can EASILY eat double or sometimes even TRIPLE that amount (don't judge me...... It's good stuff.......Oh shut up.) Maybe it's the fact that I'm up almost 2lbs from Monday's weigh in. (yes, I'm back to weighing myself everyday. Ok, who are we kidding... I never stopped weighing myself everyday. Don't judge me...... Oh shut up.) Maybe because I am putting a TON of pressure on myself that I MUST lose 20lbs on the fully clothed scale before I get on that plane 2 weeks from yesterday and 19.5lbs just won't cut it. Maybe I'm panicking because I have a date set to visit and <gasp> try on my dress! Maybe because even though I am pushing myself way harder than I ever have before, I feel like everyone is doing more, and I'm still not doing enough. Maybe it's because even though my clothes are big, I feel like its not all that noticeable that I've been busting my butt. Whatever it is, I feel guilty. Good news is that I will probably be over it by tomorrow. I'm also a nondenominational Libra after all.
66 days down...114 to go!

Day 65: The day after Manic Monday

must be Torture Tuesday. That's right, another kick my ass trainer session at the gym. Today was one of those hidden gem workouts where it didn't feel SO bad while I was doing it, but I have already been told that I will be cursing her in the morning. I already started. Today's workout was unlike any other I have EVER experienced. Today she brings out these bright yellow harnesses. What the HELL is that!? I asked her politely..... they looked like mountain climbing ropes or a sex toy from a bad movie or wait.... a TORTURE DEVICE. It's for your workout! She bubbly replied. Greeeeeeeeeeeeeat. The long and the short of it is that I was doing suspension training. I was hanging and leaning and standing in all sorts of gravity defying ways doing exercise after exercise that looked completely unnatural. I had to use my own body weight (and thank goodness there is less of it now!) to do standing pushups, leg work, back work, arm work, and even ab work. Thats right. She suspended my legs in the torture loops and had me hold planks for 30 seconds. The longest 30 seconds of my life. Don't know what a plank is? Picture it- Lying on your belly, arms at angles so that only your forearms are on the floor, on your toes holding your weight up so that your back is straight and your butt is high. Think it's easy? Doing this on the floor is bad enough, but then to suspend my legs and not let them go swinging through the air while still doing all the rest. Insane. But I did it. All of it. I didn't cop out a single time. There were no "I can'ts" or "no mores". There were a few "you're insanes" and "do WHATs!? " but at the end of the day, I did it all. And love it. God. help. me.

65 days down...115 to go!

Day 64: I need some tunes!

So.... I'm currently at the gym... I left my headphones at home and my water bottle in the car... CLEARLY it's going to be a productive workout.... I figured I might as well get my daily blogging in to make the time pass. If there are any random spellings or typos, please excuse me because I'm blogging on my phone while doing cardio!
So today is monday in case you didnt know... And for those of you who have forgotten, that means it's weigh in day. Now I don't remember if i posted my weight loss the other day, but even I I did, it was a sham after not really eating much for a day since I felt like crap. But today is Monday. The real weigh in day. The day where I have to throw caution to the wind and just let whatever will happen, happen. I stripped down and weighed in at home first of course. Dear lord of size 12 jeans and creator of all weighing devices- please PLEASE let me have lost weight this week..... And I did! Naked scale grand total so far: -19.5 lbs ( oh how I would have killed for an even 20!!!! Gift horse gift horse I know....) and fully clothed scale total so far: -17.3! Wooooohooo! I even managed to win this week's weigh in for highest percentage and moved into a distant 3rd place overall. Final weigh in for the game is next FRIDAY right before spring break. I'm hoping to hit fully clothed scale -20. Only time will tell!
64 days down...116 to go!

Day 63: Busy Bee

Today John and I decided to do "just a few" things. You know just as well as I do that that translates into "you don't even have time to shower, but get in the car and prepare not to see the light of day anymore".  I should have realized that ahead of time, but I foolishly thought that a "quick trip to get a watch battery" really would be a "quick trip to get a watch battery". Amateur. After a low cal lunch of Jimmy John's I was fueled and ready for the day. After a quick stop for a pedicure (I NEEDED it. Trust me.) we headed back to the mall to pick up the watch. Of course, we meandered through the mall in case there was anything else we NEEDED. Did I mention that I finally bought a new pair of jeans yesterday? And a sundress in a LARGE, not an EXTRA large, AND if my "girls" weren't so damn big I could have bought the MEDIUM?! Did I!? DID I?!?!?!? I really don't remember......
But that was yesterday... and today I looked longingly at American Eagle. I looked longingly at the boyfriend fit jeans that I used to wear with ease. I told John that I would really start to feel better about all this calorie counting stuff if I could JUST fit into American Eagle jeans again. He brought me into the store. I again looked longingly at the jeans. He finally convinced me to try a pair on. The biggest size they have is 14 (which is American Eagle world is APPALLING that anyone would EVER need jeans that big.) so I picked them up and slunk off to the dressing room sure I would still not be able to wear them. Afterall, I haven't been able to wear them in YEARS. So I closed the door and said a prayer.... and put them on with ease. And there was ROOM!!!!!!!! WHAT!? I now danced my way out of the dressing room to tell John. He tells me to buy them. I tell him no. I tell him I want to wait until I can wear a 12 before I buy them. He tells me to try on a 12. Crap. So I do.... I say another prayer. And again, they button and zip! A 12?!?!?!?!?!? Now, not ready to wear out of the house quite yet, but by the time these jeans go on sale again, I WILL buy them and I WILL wear them. And any of you who are in the single digits and thinking you are "so fat" and "if I was a 12 I would kill myself" you can suck it. For the rest of you who know my pain and my joy of finally being able to close a size 12, celebrate with me won't you!? A 12!!!!!!!!!!!

63 days down...117 to go!

Day 62: Back in the Saddle

So after 794234 hours of sleep, I was finally feeling better this morning. Good thing because I was meeting a friend for her wedding tasting today. That's right, another cheat day..... Now, this is the SAME person who threatened me with needing an extra panel in my dress if I didn't stop the cheat days, so I called her out on it just to make sure she wasn't trying to fatten me up like a Christmas goose. She swore her intentions were pure, so I opted to go. I went into the day knowing it was going to be a bad one. I held out on eating until we got there, and then proceeded to eat everything that wasn't nailed down. Except for the duck confit because really? Ew. But everything else I could consume, I did. Even the stuff that in title seemed healthy was cooking and sitting in butter, or had some sort of sauce or dressing. There was no way in the world to be good. So I didn't bother. That carried over throughout the day and I ended up having tater tots for dinner. That's right tater tots. I ate so many that I couldn't make it to real food. I washed them down with real Mountain Dew because why not throw a few hundred extra more calories into the mix just for fun? I just finished my night with 3 thin mints. Let's see, + 400 carry the 5, multiply by 2.... that's about 4000 calories MORE than I was allotted for the day. Super. As of this morning, BEFORE food fest 2011, I was officially down 20lbs according to my at home naked scale. I don't think I even want to know what it's going to say by Monday when all this catches up to me!

62 days down...118 to go!

Day 61: sick as a dog

Sorry for the late bloggage of day 61, but yesterday I was sick a a dog. I powered through work, made it home by 4:15 and was asleep by 4:30. John came home, told me to take a 20 minute nap.... 3 hours later we both woke up. I ate some soup which is more than I managed all day and was back in bed by 930. Here's hoping today is better!
61 days down...119 to go!

Day 60: Just One of Those Days

Come on. We all have them. Days where you really don't know WHAT your problem is, but you know you have one, and then suddenly, every little thing, no matter how big or how small pisses you off? Yup. That's my day. I didn't feel like this most of the day thankfully, although I did have bursts of annoyance. I mean who wouldn't after hours of proctoring CSAP and watching your class refuse to follow directions and still ask questions after you have said over and over and OVER "I can't answer any questions once the test starts", yet still questions arise. "Do we have to do this one?" "Is this a 5 cent or a penny?" "Do we go one when there is a go on arrow on the bottom of the page?". Ok, so maybe I was in a crappy mood all day after all! If that didn't do it, perhaps it's the fact that my stomach has been in knots since 3pm? Or the fact that even though all my clothes are HUGE on me, smaller sizes don't fit me. I spent hours bouncing from store to store trying to find a sundress. How difficult is this!? They all either make me look pregnant, look like I'm smuggling a beach ball in my pants, or make me look like a porn star. None of which are the look I am going for. Perhaps THAT'S what put me in a crappy mood. Or maybe it was slinking into the gym at 8pm only to only do 40 half-assed minutes of cardio because I just wasn't into it. Perhaps it was the "happy" meal that I ate at 4:30 because I was STARVING (and it was 4 nuggets AND I threw away 1/2 the fries before I ever left the drive-thru just to cut some calories!) Whatever it is, I'm pissy. And writing all this and reading it back just pisses me off more. Oh, and here we are on day 60- the day I said to check back about wearing THE jeans out the door. I still can't. Great. Just one more thing to piss me off today.....

60 days down...120 to go!

Day 59: Holy Macaroni!

Macaroni. What a silly word. I feel like my family is the only one in the world to call macaroni, "macaroni" when referring to a pasta in tomato sauce. I feel like the rest of the world only uses the word "macaroni" when followed by "and cheese". So yes. Macaroni. And meatballs. Homemade meatballs. Yum. AND, not made by John! That's right- I cooked dinner! It's a miracle! Anyway, John has been craving spaghetti and meatballs since he got home, so I promised him I would make them this week. I made sure to eat like a bird all day, and even turn my nose up to the most delicious looking cupcakes I have EVER seen with a huge dollop of chocolate fudge icing.... droooooool...... uh, where was I? Oh right. I ate like a bird today because I knew what dinner plans were. I also planned on hitting the gym, but we were both hungry when I got home from work, and once we consumed the carb overload, breathing became a workout in itself. Clearly, the gym didn't happen.

So back to the cupcakes because now that's all I can think about. They looked AMAZING. They must have been from a real bakery, and not just a grocery store bakery. Those I can pass up. But these.... wow. Yellow cake and chocolate frosting. My FAVORITE. I stared at them longingly all day trying to figure out how in the world I could eat one without having to go to bed at 5pm because I was out of calories. I couldn't. :( When the clocked ticked down to cupcake time, I was growing weaker. Instead of allowing myself to eat what I really wanted, I  ate a banana. And I HATE bananas. And my class cheered. Yes, CHEERED. The girl who started it was actually the one who brought the cupcakes, and being the clever 10 year old that she is, realized exactly what I was doing. "She ate a banana instead!" she proudly announced as my class was working. A few kids knew exactly what that meant and immediately started clapping. Others looked around very confused. Another girl quickly clarified the situation in 3 simple words: "wedding dress. DUH" Some days, I love my class. And that is the story how 10 year olds became my own personal Jimminy Cricket conscience and gave me the strength to enjoy macaroni and meatballs for dinner, instead of water and air.

59 days down...121 days (4 months today!) to go!

Day 58: Half-assing

That should be my new motto. Instead of going to the gym today and working out with my trainer, I came home from work, bottled beer for the wedding, and sat my happy ass on the couch with a heat back. I'm not 100% sure what I did, but I have a funny feeling it had something to do with Saturday's intense workout. Whatever the cause, the effect is that my entire lower back hurts. A lot. To the point that I don't even want to bend over to pick something up off the floor. Of course, this makes me mad. I'm sure I should just power through and stretch it out and go to the gym anyway, but I am instead opting to half-ass my day and do nothing. "Recovery" is the technical term I'm told. Whatever it is, I need to get better NOW so I can keep up the hard work and not GAIN weight.

I've officially given up on the BL game because there is no way to ever catch up. I still have a goal of 20lbs by the time I get on the plane for spring break. That way when I do gain a few pounds thanks to delicious foods such as Dunkin Donuts, Publix subs, and Wings Plus (because who are we kidding... I only get that stuff a few times a year, and I WILL be eating it!) I will only need to get back down those few pounds and then the 10 more to reach my wedding goal. We shall see. Think strong back thoughts for me! I need it!

58 days down... 122 to go!

Day 57: No pain no i in team flock together

I have heard my fair share of feel good sentiments lately. In the beginning, I was happy to take them on as my own mantra. Happy to walk around boasting that "slow and steady wins the race!" or "remember the story of the tortoise and the hare" or my personal favorite "no pain, no gain".  Now, please don't be offended if you are one of the people that has been giving me the words of wisdom. I've been giving myself these little pep talks too. And until now, they have mostly been working. And then came today. Something just snapped and I was done with it. I'm tired of falling further and further behind in the Biggest Loser game. I'm tired of being tired and achy with only seeing minimal results. I'm tired of diminishing calories every week, and having to measure, count, and weigh. Blah. Obviously, as you can tell, my weigh in today didn't go exactly as planned. According to my scale at home, I gained 3.5lbs since Saturday. Thank you water retention in my sore muscles. That means that I only lost a pound this week at school. So much for my goal of 2+ lbs a week.Why can't I just be happy that I lost SOMETHING? Why must I "look a gift horse in the mouth"? I don't know. It's just never enough for me I guess. The good news? "The sun will come out tomorrow". Ugh.

57 days down...123 to go!

Day 56: Lisa's pants are falling down....

falling down, falling down! Lisa's pants are falling down! My fair lady! Today, I was able to remove my 2nd pair of jeans without having to unbutton or unzip them! These are the same pants that 2 months ago were leaving or close to leaving the red ring of death around my midsection. In fact, one of these pairs of pants, I haven't even bothered to try to wear in a couple of months because there was no way possible I was going to be able to put them on, let alone take them off without unbuttoning and unzipping. This phenomenon excites me, and upsets me. It excites me because, come on, who doesn't want their pants to be big!? It upsets me because in not so many more pounds, I am going to start losing clothes from my wardrobe.... of course, I will gain some other things, so we will have to see where everything pans out. I tried on a pair of gray capris today that in no way shape or form have I even been able to THINK about trying to wear in months. Possibly years. And today? Up. Zipped. Buttoned. YES. The TRIFECTA! Now, they are not ready to wear out of the house, but since it snowed today and for the next couple of days, I don't need to be worried about wearing the capris out of the house just yet. Hopefully, by the time it warms up, I will be able to wear them for real again. I also tried on a pair of jeans yesterday at the store that were the exact same jeans as the ones I was wearing, but one size down. Again, they were up. zipped. and buttoned. But they also came with a bonus..... MUFFIN TOP! Not. Cute. Oh well. I guess I am what they call "in between sizes". Let's just hope that there isn't a big gust of wind while I'm wearing the pants I have for now..... and if there is, just don't stand behind me, or you might see my pants get pantsed! Yikes.

56 days down...124 to go!

Day 55: Hungover

Now before you say "what!? But Lisa, you never drink! How could you POSSIBLY be hungover?!" let me explain.... I'm not hungover in the traditional way. This morning, John informed me that I am now officially a gym addict..... I told him I knew this was true because I woke up this morning with a hangover... a workout hangover. Now, from the few times that I have had a real hangover, I know that you wake up feeling like crap, achy, wondering what the hell you did the day before. Today, I woke up feeling like crap, achy, and wondering what the hell did I do the day before. Yup. Sounds like a hangover to me. I had my 3rd personal training session yesterday morning. If I thought the previous sessions were hard, I had no idea what I was in for. Instead of 2 sets of 12 reps, yesterday was all about time. Sixty second intervals to do as many of the exercise as I could. And there were 8 different things. Back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back. Was that 8? It sucked. I did a few things that I had done before, but it was mostly new stuff. Damn you muscle confusion theory. All I know is, as soon as she lined up all the weights I would be using, I was ready to go home. You want me to lift what!? You want me to swing how much weight? You want me to do how many pushups into a T? You want me to do HOW MANY SQUATS!? Kill me. I did everything I could last night to help ensure that I wouldn't be in pain today. I drank tons of water, used the arnica gel, and had my legs elevated. All to no avail. Today I feel like I have been hit by a mac truck. And to top it all off, thanks to the very late, very fattening dinner I had last night, plus the fact that I am retaining water thanks to the super sore muscles, I am now 2lbs heavier than I was yesterday. Awesome. Glad to see the hard work is paying off.................
55 days down...125 to go!

Day 54: Part 2. Liars

So here is a more in depth version of my points from last night.

Mirrors. Who in their right mind decided to put these damn fun house mirrors in the gym!? I can put clothes on think I look ok, drive the mile to the gym look in those mirrors and want to die. Wouldn't you think that it would be a good idea to make people look BETTER at the gym so we feel like that all this work is for SOMETHING and not just to look worse? I guess the other school of thought is that if I look terrible, I will keep coming back. But still. Throw us a bone here. And I'm not the only one who feels this way. I have seen other girls in the locker room looking at themselves from all angles. I can almost hear them saying "wtf. Did I look like this when I walked out the door today? I didn't think so.....". Agreed. It's ridiculous. And that leads me to my next point- scales. Another liar. I wish that I could get on any scale in the world and weigh the same amount. As of this morning, there is a 7lb spread depending on the scale as to what my weight it. That's a big difference! Of course, the only scale that counts is that one at school. And that one OF COURSE is showing almost the smallest amount of weight loss- except for  the scale in the gym. Again. Whats the deal!? Shouldn't the gym be ENCOURAGING me?! Shouldn't the numbers be going down week after week? They are on every other scale, at least a little, other than the one at the gym. It's a conspiracy. I can see the leaders of the gym world sitting around and deciding how to make us feel WORSE about ourselves. Like its not enough that I have to see myself while working out, but then I get to go into the locker room and feel even more defeated. Thanks al ot gym. thanks a lot.

54 days down... 126 to go!

Day 53: Oops I Did It Again

sooooooooo here we are at 10:15pm.... I'm in the middle of laundry, kitchen cleaning, and obsessively looking at ancestry.com. If you've never been on the site- don't judge me. It's AWESOME. If you have been on the site- then you understand completely why and how I have completely lost track of time. Again. Of course none of this has anything to do with weight loss, so I will get straight to the point and give you the reader's digest condensed version of what I was planning to blog about... ready?
1. mirrors lie. Especially ones in the gym. Or possibly those are the only ones that tell the truth, and THAT my friends is frightening.
2. scales lie. Especially ones in the gym. Or possibly those are the only ones that tell the truth, and THAT my friends is frightening.
And that about sums up my day in a nutshell. How was yours?

53 days down...127 to go!

Day 52: Cruel and Unusual Punishment

Let's do some math just for fun....  CSAP week(s) + PMS + counting calories = cranky hungry girl. I think it should be ILLEGAL to have to diet or exercise when you feel like you are a giant water balloon being shoved into work pants. I think I should be able to eat an entire box of girl scout cookies and call it dinner without any judgment when my daily task includes pacing around the classroom and watching my kids test. Wait! Does that count as exercise? I hope so, because I never made it to the gym today even though I promised myself I would go. Realistically, I was mad and annoyed as I drove home from work. Too much pressure, both with CSAP and within my own body- so I decided to shop instead. (more exercise perhaps!?) Now you KNOW its a bad day when I was too indecisive to buy ANYTHING! And then I debated... quick snack, then workout, then dinner? or dinner then workout? I chose C. Dinner, then sitting on the couch thinking about the fact that I didn't go to the gym and the piles and piles of laundry are still piles. Crap. What an unproductive night. So now I sit here, still wishing that I had eaten the cookies for dinner instead of the spinach pasta and tomatoes, still annoyed, still PMSy, still not wanting to endure 2 hours of watching my kids test tomorrow. Wow. What progress I have made....... .

In other news, I wanted to wear a skirt to work today. It was just warm enough that a skirt with light leggings would have worked perfectly. For those of you who work with me, you may have noticed (but probably not because who are we kidding?) that I indeed did NOT have a skirt on today. For those of you who don't work with me, I indeed did NOT have a skirt on today. There, that's better. Now we are all on the same page. So the skirt. I even steamed it this morning. I put it on aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand it was HUGE. There was a tremendous gap from where the skirt ended and I started. This was an AWESOME feeling until I realized I now had nothing to wear for work today. Crap. I guess I should have listened to John last night when he told me to PLEASE pick out my clothes before going to bed so I didn't have to deal with it in the morning... but shhhh.... don't tell him I said that ;) I also managed to avoid ALL the food during the breakfast party in my classroom today. This included cinnamon rolls, panckaes, bacon, and donuts. Thankfully I have my own set of mini personal trainers in there who reminded me that I was not allowed to eat anything (but I could SMELL it.... gee thanks.......) and that "it would all be worth it for the dress". When did 10 year olds get so smart!?

Now, about those cookies.....
52 days down... 128 to go!

Edit: Thank you to those of you who submitted your gift codes to our project! We were able to put $210 towards our project, and only have $166 to go!!!!! Sadly (and amazingly!) we have reached our allotment of this promotion's codes. If I find out about another one, I will let you know! Thanks again!!!!! Keep track of our progress by visiting: http://www.donorschoose.org/lpantano to see our project live. Thanks for your help!!!!!! 

Day 51: Body Oddities

The body is a crazy thing isn't it!? Walk with me if you will..... our body is 70(?)% water (or is that the amount of water on earth? hm.) Uh, our body contains LOTS of water. Yet, we need water to survive. And when we drink water, we expel water. Logical right? I know, I know. It's scientific. And somehow related to the water cycle or the food chain or something. But I still think it's odd.

It also still boggles my mind that even though our bodies have many "pairs" (hands, ears, feet.... you get it....) that they are not the same size! Case in point- today I was wearing shoes. Clearly. The left, flopped off my foot for most of the day. The right, rubbed so hard that I was covered in bandaids by the time I left work. Of course, one could attribute this phenomenon to the fact that I bought cheap crappy shoes, and they may not even be the same size.... but I digress....

I also think it's odd that I worked really hard at the gym yesterday, felt great when I went to bed, felt fine all day long, and now that I am sitting here doing absolutely nothing, I feel my arm muscles starting to ache, and my abs throwing a hissy fit every time I breathe. In my head, I tell myself that its ok that I didn't work out today because muscle pain means muscle work which means calories burning which means weight loss. Or something. It's logical though right? Kinda? No? Damn. Whatever. My TRAINER said that the rest days are as important as the work days, so that is what today is. That and we had dinner at the caterer and got things pretty much set for the wedding. And let's face it.... meatballs trump treadmills ANY day. Always.

51 days down...129 to go!

Oh! And a special "hello!!!!" to my blog readers in Canada, Denmark, Guatemala, and Malaysia! Yes! People in all those places are reading my blog! Crazy isn't it!? And of course, hello  and PLEASE KEEP READING SO I WILL KEEP WRITING AND NOT FALL TOO FAR OFF THE WAGON to my US readers! :)
UPDATE: And hello Russia and Iran!

Day 50: Back in the saddle

So today is Monday.... and we all know what that means-weigh in day. Yikes. I walked into the weigh in wondering if there was anything else I could possibly do to trim down any further before stepping on the scale. Quick haircut perhaps? Spontaneous  double masectomy? That would have to be worth about 15lbs alone! No? Ok fine.... Off came the keys, shoes, sweater, and even hair rubber band (I wasn't going to take any chances!) I knew that I had a HORRIBLE week food and exercise wise so I was anticipating a huge weight gain. Thankfully I was wrong! I actually lost weight this week! Nothing stellar, only 0.6lbs (0.8 if you count my 2nd weigh in a few hours later after losing a little more "water weight") but at least the numbers went down! I mean, it was no 9 something POUNDS like SOME people I know.... yeah, I'm talking to YOU lady....... but at least I didn't go up. Of course I'm not happy about it, and I see the chance of winning biggest loser slipping further and further away by the minute, but I have to celebrate the fact that I'm down 13lbs, and I still have a chance of being down 20lbs by spring break. Only time will tell....

In other news, I found a secondary trainer today. The good news? I live with him. The bad news? I live with him. Apparently, his high school sports training days have suddenly all come flooding back, and since he can only do some light cardio thanks to a back injury, he is using me for his dirty work instead. Today we (and by WE of course I mean I) did crunches while sitting on the yoga ball and catching and throwing a weighted ball. Think it sounds easy? Go ahead and try it.... I'll wait...... Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah. Let's just say that the first time we did this "game" was on Friday and today my abs were STILL sore. Of course that was no excuse not to do it again apparently..... my actual trainer saw this interaction and encouraged it. Great. Just what I need. A peanut gallery. Now I have 2 trainers and I will never be able to have a slow day at the gym again as long as one of them is there... I haven't decided how I feel about that......

50 days down...130 to go!

Day 49: How 'bout we don't mmmmmk?

And by don't I mean...
1. don't talk about what I have eaten in the last week
2. don't talk about the fact that I haven't logged my food in the last few days because I have NO idea what to even start with
3. don't remind me that I didn't go to the gym AGAIN today
4. don't tell me that muscle weighs more than fat so its ok that I am about to gain a $***ton of weight in tomorrow's weigh in
5. don't tell me I'm going to need an extra panel in my dress
6. don't remind me that I have a wedding dress to fit into so I better slow my roll before #5 happens
7. don't tell me that we all have bad weeks and then proceed to bring up all my indiscretions
8. don't "tsk tsk" me when I'm not happy with tomorrow's weigh in even though I KNOW I have no business losing a single ounce this week but I will still be mad when I don't
9. don't mock me in the gym this week when you see me doing all kinds of stupid looking things that look totally acceptable when working with a trainer, but look absolutely ridiculous when doing them alone
and finally
10. don't give me a disapproving look when I say I want chocolate and actually eat it this week mmmmmmk!? damn you pms.

49 days down...131 to go!

Day 48:.........

We're sorry. The blog you are trying to view is down for maintenance this evening due to the Future Mrs. FINALLY getting to attend a Linkin Park concert which she has been trying to do for YEARS. There will be no discussion about the food consumed or the calorie intake. She is at the concert, bought the tshirt, and is ready to sing her lungs out. Thank you and have a lovely evening. Check back tomorrow for our regularly scheduled blogging.

Day 47: Fatty Fat Fatty

So, until about 7 o'clock, I had a blog in mind already. It was witty, it was snarky, and it was even a little inappropriate. I kept thinking how great the blog would be, and I was going to write as soon as I was done with dinner, and a little tv. Little did I know that this decision would fully derail me from all sanity and logic. All with one little harmless show "Shedding for the Wedding". I thought to myself "awesome! A show about normal people losing weight for the wedding just like we are! This will be great to see how they do it and steal some tricks from them so i can look just as fabulous!" I was already wrong. Now, how bad can it be you ask? Well let me tell you.... The show starts much like every other reality show nowadays- we were introduced to the couples. I immediately found a few that I would be rooting for. One corrected her soon to be husband when he said "me and so and so...." I laughed because I often find myself doing that same thing, so of course I loved them. Not to mention that they are GATORS so what's not to love!? Anywho.... they met their trainers, and did their initial beach session workout. This was already starting to look a BIT like another weight loss show that I won't mention....... Then, they moved into their mansion fully stocked with only the leanest meats, fruits and vegtables, and healthy snacks and were given a nutritionist to teach them how to cook. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaait a minute. This isn't real life at all! No one really lives like this! When I need food, I have to go to the grocery store and walk past all the chips, candy, snack cakes, and other deliciousness just to get to the "healthy" section waaaaaay in the back of the store. It's total crap that these people no longer have to live like that. They have the food brought to them, and there is no way for them to just hop in a car and head to Mickey D's on their way to work- a) because they don't have cars and 2) shedding for the wedding is now their JOB. How are they really marketing these people as "everyday"?! Not ONCE has that been my day.



Anyway, I digress.... so after preparing meals, they head to the gym with their trainers. There are Bob and Jillian... wait that's not right.... i don't remember who the trainers are, but they are there. Kicking ass. Of course there is the biggest girl gagging every 30 seconds which got old fast and I was already praying that they would be the couple to go home this week so I wouldn't have to hear that wretched, wrenching sound every again. (They didn't) ANYWAY. So the weekly weigh in. First they tell us what the combined weight of the couple was initially. The first couple steps up. 460 initial combined weight. DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN I think. That's HUGE. John looks at me. He figures out OUR initial combined weight and I almost gag. We are HOW fat!? Sigh... the weigh in continues. One couple down, 21lbs, 30 lbs, 36lbs etc. In. One. Week. Ummmm what!? Their WEEKLY weight loss is as much as our combined weight loss in SIX weeks. I panic. I throw down my fork immediately, log all the calories I just consumed, and promptly got off the couch to get ready for the gym. Thank you Shedding for the Wedding for making me feel like a complete fatty fat fatty in under 60 seconds.

Great. Now, do I KNOW that this is not logical? Yup. Do I understand that all these people do all day is work out and eat prepared meals? Sure do. Did I panic anyway and realize that I have been half assing this week, consumed WAY more calories than I should have, and need to get to the gym NOW. You bet your ass. So I did. I am also UP 2.5lbs which is not helping my mental stability this week. Thank you so much nature for doing your part to ensure that I will feel like a complete and utter failure for the rest of this week, and all of next. Not that I have really been helping the cause anyway..... Sigh......

47 days down...133 to go!

Day 46: Fat girls always have the best crumbs in their cleavage

I would know. Sad, but true. That's when you know you have reached a low point in your life.... when you are eating cookies and the crumbs just collect. I'm sure if I really looked, there would be fried chicken crumbs too. Lovely. Suddenly, I have turned into my overly chesty grandmother who used to ALWAYS have crumbs on her "shelf". We would always tell her to wipe them off and she would joke and say it was a snack for later. Today, I became that person. Awesome. Just awesome. That apathy led to yet another day without the gym. Is this starting to sound familiar? What happened to the girl who wasn't satisfied with less than 6 days in the gym!? I shut her up with cookies, THAT'S what happened to her. She remembers how delicious garlic knots and meatballs are and never EVER wants to sweat again. Of course, I can't have that fat girl walking down the aisle in a few months, so i will have to get back in the groove of things quickly.... of course, since there will be cake at the wedding, I might be able to convince the fat girl inside me to put in some work now to reap the rewards later. Maybe.

Seriously though, I will get back into it. I broke my cardinal rule today and didn't pack my gym stuff before I left the house this morning. I convinced myself that I would come home, change, and head right to the gym. Instead, I came home, did nothing, and headed right to KFC. Practically the same parking lot, does that count? I did stay within my calorie count however because, who are we kidding, I'm OBSESSED with that part, especially after last night's dinner.... Hopefully tomorrow I will be motivated to work out when I get home from work. And even if I'm not, I will go anyway. I promise.

46 days down...134 days to go!

Day 45: How many cheat days is too many?

Hmmmmm I'm thinking 1 is probably too many, and this week I will have at least 3. Sigh. Tonight John and I went out to dinner to somewhat celebrate the one year since our engagement :) It was nice to go out to eat and have whatever I wanted and not count it all out. Of course, now I feel nothing but guilt about it, but it was good while it lasted. Granted, I still didn't eat what I normally do at this place, but I'm pretty sure the 6 garlic knots that I consumed did NOT fit into my calorie count.... nor did the 3 thin mints that I just ate, because hey, why not? Sigh. I was mentally celebrating today when I put on a pair of pants that were actually BIG. Not just a little lose, but BIG to the point that I really should use a belt. And then I had dinner.... I know 1 day wont totally derail me... but 3 days just might. Tonight was also my day off from the gym which is NOT helping my cause. Saturday is a brewery tour with John and then BD's with friends. Then Sunday morning is brunch at the wedding caterer, and then dinner for a friend's birthday. Watch out scale... wide load coming through....

1 year since engagement! 45 days down...135 to go!

Day 44: No pain, no gain

But does it count if the pain happens before any of the work!? Yeah, I didn't think so.... It all started today when I went to the gym. I had my first real training session at 6, but I got to the gym a bit early so I could get some cardio in beforehand. Well, that was easier said than done! The gym was PACKED. I've seen it busy before, but my goodness. I finally ended up on the bike for about 20 minutes. After an emergency "break" I tried to find any cardio machine that I could use for the last 10 minutes before my training. There was literally not one machine available. So I decided to sit in the sauna for a few minutes to make sure my muscles were nice and warmed up. When my time was up, I hopped down from the 2nd step and OW. Something in my thigh popped. REALLY!? Sigh. I assumed it was just a pulled muscle or a little charlie horse, so I tried to walk it out..... that didn't help either. I went to my training session sure that the muscle would relax itself and I would carry on. Wrong. After 2 squats I was in pain. Not just "hey my muscles are sore" pain, but "ow, dont make me do that again" pain. I told my trainer. She suggested that somehow I pulled my hip flexor muscle (which is odd, because the pain is in the middle of my thigh). I stretched in the ways she told me to, but even that wouldn't loosen things up. I finished my workout with some modified routines (it was NOT half-assed by any means!) and survived. Now here I sit with an ice pack on my thigh as suggested, and my legs elevated like an old lady with poor circulation. Sigh. Even when I am trying to do something good I end up mucking it up! Tomorrow is a rest day anyway so I'm hoping that that helps! 

Oh! I lost 2.5lbs this week which brings my grand total to 12.7lbs in 6 weeks! Slow and steady, slow and steady.....I'm now in 4th place overall in the competition, but I have to remind myself what MY real goal is... although an extra $400 wouldn't hurt.... :)

44 days down...136 to go!

Day 43: Half empty? or Half full?

All day today I felt like I was running on at least half empty. I had a whole bonus weekend day ahead of me and I did NOTHING. I never got to the mounds of laundry in the bedroom, and I never even unloaded the dishwasher. It was a pure lazy day. I did go to the gym, but my workout was at the same intensity as the rest of my day. I just didn't feel motivated to keep up with the beat in the song or to push through the leg pain of the higher intensity. I just felt blah. I made it through the 60 minutes... begrudgingly.... I wasn't even remotely in the mood to work out today, but I figured if I was going to take the rest of the day off, that I should at least work out. Even if it was at a half-assed rate. I spoke to my trainer last week about 60 minutes on one piece of equipment vs. 20 minutes on 3 pieces of equipment. She basically said as long as I keep moving it doesn't really matter. The goal is to be successful, and if I know that I will get too bored doing the same thing for 60 minutes, then switching it up every 20 minutes is fine. Even with that knowledge today, I felt like I was dragging. The first 20 minutes on the elliptical felt like 2 hours. It was a Christmas miracle that I even finished. Eh. I don't know how much today's workout will really count, so just in case, I stayed within a 1200 calorie count today- it helps when you don't get out of bed until 11! I guess we will see tomorrow morning how the numbers pan out.... and if by some miracle I do just as well or heaven forbid BETTER than a normal week.... well, let's just say I'm going to have a very difficult time trying to convince myself to go back to 6 days a week in the gym! Think thin thoughts!

43 days down...137 to go!

Day 42: C is for cookie...

and cookie is for me! Yup. 2. whole. days. That's how long I made it before tearing into the Girl Scout cookies. Girl Scout crack. That's what I called them today. It's a very similar crack to the one that Disney has patented and used in such products as "Disney crack corn" and "Disney crack funnel cake" and the ever popular 'Disney crack Mickey ears ice cream". But no matter how strong my passion is for any of those items, none is as strong as my need for Girl Scout crack. I wish I could say well, at least I went to the gym today.... but I didn't. And I wish I could say, well, at least I was good for the rest of the day....but I wasn't. The only thing I can say is, well, I didn't eat the whole box. In fact, I didn't even eat the whole sleeve. Yaaaaaaay! Oh well, tomorrow is another day- and thanks to President's Day, I get a day of reprieve before I have to weigh in this week. Thankfully.

42 days down...138 to go!

Day 41: Is it a crime to watch a movie without popcorn?

Yes. Yes it is. But today, for what I can assume is the first time ever, I did it. Let me state for the record that I was planning all day to enjoy popcorn with my movie... I budgeted what I thought would be plenty of calories and ate accordingly. Then I looked up the true numbers. Almost 1000 calories. Over 70 grams of fat. Over 100% of the daily recommended total fat, and over 200% of the daily saturated fat. WHAT!? No matter how much I originally wanted it, I could not justify eating that much as a "snack". Not to mention that in a few days is another BL weigh in..... could you IMAGINE the tale I would have to tell when I gained weight? "well you see.... I ate my weight in pure fatty oil and salt" Lovely. I'm sure that would go over well. So I didn't eat it. I did however get junior mints. 16 whopping mints for 170 calories. I estimated I could eat 1 every 10 minutes of the movie. How sad. I ate 6. What a life I am now leading.

I also decided at some point today that I was done. I was done counting calories. I was done measuring and counting and wheeling and dealing and I just wanted to freaking eat. I didn't. John of course talked me down off the ledge with more words of encouragement and reminders of the fact that I AM losing weight, no matter how much I am resisting admitting it.

AND who the hell designed gyms!? Clear glass EVERYWHERE. Is is necessary that as people are driving by that they need to see me walk along the edge of the pool in my bathing suit? Is it not humiliating enough that I am IN a bathing suit? IN PUBLIC? But not only is the glass on the OUTSIDE but there is glass everywhere you look INSIDE. Today, as I was on the bike, I had a front row seat to every little perky girl, and every single muscular man just preening their way up the stairs to the weights area. Do I need to see the perky little bimbo SKIP down the stairs and then RUN them 2 at a time back up!? I GET IT. You are thin and the whoooooole world needs to know! I wish I was you and now thank you so much for making me feel totally inadequate. And as soon as I get THAT image out of my head and I am finally able to resist the urge to throw a stick in her way mid-step, I see the 300 lb man on his first day in the gym since his high school football days in 1981 wearing the same shorts that he was wearing in 1981. Still not with me? I have just 2 words for you.... DAISY. DUKES. True story.   Welcome to my nightmare....

41 days down...139 to go!

Day 40: The most disasterous thing has happened.....

...it's Girl Scout cookie time.................................. and not only is it cookie time, but I preordered some from my flower girl and I now have 4 boxes IN MY KITCHEN. Are you kidding me!? I was so close to eating my last 800 calories in cookies for dinner. But I didn't. So now here I am, desperately trying to make it through the day on my measly 1400 calories and here in the kitchen, next to the cheez its and teddy grahms, are Thin Mints and Tagalongs..... Sadly, they have WAY more power than the snacks that are readily available all year long. My plan to not eat them is two-fold. 1) Dont put them in the freezer. If you dont know, I LOVE stuff in the freezer. Muffins, cookies, candy bars, etc. I figure if I keep them room temperature, I will be less likely to eat the whole box in one sitting. 2) DONT OPEN THE BOX. After dinner, I was hoping I would have enough calories left for a serving of cookies (which sadly is only 2 for an insane amount of calories). I only had enough for one. Well that's just not worth it. Not to mention, IMPOSSIBLE. I have zero will power, and if I opened the box for one, I might just eat one....box.... so I left them closed. I dont know how long my plan of action is going to work, but it kept from going over my calories for one day. Tomorrow is another day though, and I DO need to eat before I go to the gym... the peanut butter center in the Tagalongs count as protein right? RIGHT!?

40 days down...140 to go!

Day 39: Friday EVE

Otherwise known as Thursday- although if you ask me, "Friday Eve" sounds a lot more glass half full don't you think? The only real problem with a Friday Eve (other than the fact that it ISN'T Friday) is when you THINK for several hours that it IS Friday. How depressing. Nothing like looking forward to the weekend and then realize there is still another whole day to go before you get there. Sigh. Welcome to my day! Since it IS only Thursday, it makes sense that I am still so sore that I held up an entire line of elementary students trying to get out to car line today. Haha. I somehow morphed into my grandmother thanks to a 30 minute intro session. That does NOT bode well for what lies ahead. Since it was a physical strain to go up or down stairs, bend to pick anything up, or heaven forbid do anything that involves a squatting motion, I clearly did not work out today. That's 2 "recovery" days. Sigh. I don't feel like I have the luxury to take 2 days off in a row like this. I can deal with 1, but 2 makes me feel like the weight is going to creep back on before my very eyes. I was however under my calories today, thanks to a delicious dinner prepared carefully by John. Tomorrow, no matter how much I look like I am channeling an old lady, I WILL go to the gym. Probably. "Quitting is forever. Pain is temporary". Thank you random man on the History channel for those words of wisdom as I was writing this and needed some inspiration. As long as I don't quit I will be ok. Even if I don't win the game, I will win MY war!

39 days down...141 to go!