Day 50: Back in the saddle

So today is Monday.... and we all know what that means-weigh in day. Yikes. I walked into the weigh in wondering if there was anything else I could possibly do to trim down any further before stepping on the scale. Quick haircut perhaps? Spontaneous  double masectomy? That would have to be worth about 15lbs alone! No? Ok fine.... Off came the keys, shoes, sweater, and even hair rubber band (I wasn't going to take any chances!) I knew that I had a HORRIBLE week food and exercise wise so I was anticipating a huge weight gain. Thankfully I was wrong! I actually lost weight this week! Nothing stellar, only 0.6lbs (0.8 if you count my 2nd weigh in a few hours later after losing a little more "water weight") but at least the numbers went down! I mean, it was no 9 something POUNDS like SOME people I know.... yeah, I'm talking to YOU lady....... but at least I didn't go up. Of course I'm not happy about it, and I see the chance of winning biggest loser slipping further and further away by the minute, but I have to celebrate the fact that I'm down 13lbs, and I still have a chance of being down 20lbs by spring break. Only time will tell....

In other news, I found a secondary trainer today. The good news? I live with him. The bad news? I live with him. Apparently, his high school sports training days have suddenly all come flooding back, and since he can only do some light cardio thanks to a back injury, he is using me for his dirty work instead. Today we (and by WE of course I mean I) did crunches while sitting on the yoga ball and catching and throwing a weighted ball. Think it sounds easy? Go ahead and try it.... I'll wait...... Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah. Let's just say that the first time we did this "game" was on Friday and today my abs were STILL sore. Of course that was no excuse not to do it again apparently..... my actual trainer saw this interaction and encouraged it. Great. Just what I need. A peanut gallery. Now I have 2 trainers and I will never be able to have a slow day at the gym again as long as one of them is there... I haven't decided how I feel about that......

50 days down...130 to go!

Day 49: How 'bout we don't mmmmmk?

And by don't I mean...
1. don't talk about what I have eaten in the last week
2. don't talk about the fact that I haven't logged my food in the last few days because I have NO idea what to even start with
3. don't remind me that I didn't go to the gym AGAIN today
4. don't tell me that muscle weighs more than fat so its ok that I am about to gain a $***ton of weight in tomorrow's weigh in
5. don't tell me I'm going to need an extra panel in my dress
6. don't remind me that I have a wedding dress to fit into so I better slow my roll before #5 happens
7. don't tell me that we all have bad weeks and then proceed to bring up all my indiscretions
8. don't "tsk tsk" me when I'm not happy with tomorrow's weigh in even though I KNOW I have no business losing a single ounce this week but I will still be mad when I don't
9. don't mock me in the gym this week when you see me doing all kinds of stupid looking things that look totally acceptable when working with a trainer, but look absolutely ridiculous when doing them alone
and finally
10. don't give me a disapproving look when I say I want chocolate and actually eat it this week mmmmmmk!? damn you pms.

49 days down...131 to go!

Day 48:.........

We're sorry. The blog you are trying to view is down for maintenance this evening due to the Future Mrs. FINALLY getting to attend a Linkin Park concert which she has been trying to do for YEARS. There will be no discussion about the food consumed or the calorie intake. She is at the concert, bought the tshirt, and is ready to sing her lungs out. Thank you and have a lovely evening. Check back tomorrow for our regularly scheduled blogging.

Day 47: Fatty Fat Fatty

So, until about 7 o'clock, I had a blog in mind already. It was witty, it was snarky, and it was even a little inappropriate. I kept thinking how great the blog would be, and I was going to write as soon as I was done with dinner, and a little tv. Little did I know that this decision would fully derail me from all sanity and logic. All with one little harmless show "Shedding for the Wedding". I thought to myself "awesome! A show about normal people losing weight for the wedding just like we are! This will be great to see how they do it and steal some tricks from them so i can look just as fabulous!" I was already wrong. Now, how bad can it be you ask? Well let me tell you.... The show starts much like every other reality show nowadays- we were introduced to the couples. I immediately found a few that I would be rooting for. One corrected her soon to be husband when he said "me and so and so...." I laughed because I often find myself doing that same thing, so of course I loved them. Not to mention that they are GATORS so what's not to love!? Anywho.... they met their trainers, and did their initial beach session workout. This was already starting to look a BIT like another weight loss show that I won't mention....... Then, they moved into their mansion fully stocked with only the leanest meats, fruits and vegtables, and healthy snacks and were given a nutritionist to teach them how to cook. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaait a minute. This isn't real life at all! No one really lives like this! When I need food, I have to go to the grocery store and walk past all the chips, candy, snack cakes, and other deliciousness just to get to the "healthy" section waaaaaay in the back of the store. It's total crap that these people no longer have to live like that. They have the food brought to them, and there is no way for them to just hop in a car and head to Mickey D's on their way to work- a) because they don't have cars and 2) shedding for the wedding is now their JOB. How are they really marketing these people as "everyday"?! Not ONCE has that been my day.



Anyway, I digress.... so after preparing meals, they head to the gym with their trainers. There are Bob and Jillian... wait that's not right.... i don't remember who the trainers are, but they are there. Kicking ass. Of course there is the biggest girl gagging every 30 seconds which got old fast and I was already praying that they would be the couple to go home this week so I wouldn't have to hear that wretched, wrenching sound every again. (They didn't) ANYWAY. So the weekly weigh in. First they tell us what the combined weight of the couple was initially. The first couple steps up. 460 initial combined weight. DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN I think. That's HUGE. John looks at me. He figures out OUR initial combined weight and I almost gag. We are HOW fat!? Sigh... the weigh in continues. One couple down, 21lbs, 30 lbs, 36lbs etc. In. One. Week. Ummmm what!? Their WEEKLY weight loss is as much as our combined weight loss in SIX weeks. I panic. I throw down my fork immediately, log all the calories I just consumed, and promptly got off the couch to get ready for the gym. Thank you Shedding for the Wedding for making me feel like a complete fatty fat fatty in under 60 seconds.

Great. Now, do I KNOW that this is not logical? Yup. Do I understand that all these people do all day is work out and eat prepared meals? Sure do. Did I panic anyway and realize that I have been half assing this week, consumed WAY more calories than I should have, and need to get to the gym NOW. You bet your ass. So I did. I am also UP 2.5lbs which is not helping my mental stability this week. Thank you so much nature for doing your part to ensure that I will feel like a complete and utter failure for the rest of this week, and all of next. Not that I have really been helping the cause anyway..... Sigh......

47 days down...133 to go!

Day 46: Fat girls always have the best crumbs in their cleavage

I would know. Sad, but true. That's when you know you have reached a low point in your life.... when you are eating cookies and the crumbs just collect. I'm sure if I really looked, there would be fried chicken crumbs too. Lovely. Suddenly, I have turned into my overly chesty grandmother who used to ALWAYS have crumbs on her "shelf". We would always tell her to wipe them off and she would joke and say it was a snack for later. Today, I became that person. Awesome. Just awesome. That apathy led to yet another day without the gym. Is this starting to sound familiar? What happened to the girl who wasn't satisfied with less than 6 days in the gym!? I shut her up with cookies, THAT'S what happened to her. She remembers how delicious garlic knots and meatballs are and never EVER wants to sweat again. Of course, I can't have that fat girl walking down the aisle in a few months, so i will have to get back in the groove of things quickly.... of course, since there will be cake at the wedding, I might be able to convince the fat girl inside me to put in some work now to reap the rewards later. Maybe.

Seriously though, I will get back into it. I broke my cardinal rule today and didn't pack my gym stuff before I left the house this morning. I convinced myself that I would come home, change, and head right to the gym. Instead, I came home, did nothing, and headed right to KFC. Practically the same parking lot, does that count? I did stay within my calorie count however because, who are we kidding, I'm OBSESSED with that part, especially after last night's dinner.... Hopefully tomorrow I will be motivated to work out when I get home from work. And even if I'm not, I will go anyway. I promise.

46 days down...134 days to go!

Day 45: How many cheat days is too many?

Hmmmmm I'm thinking 1 is probably too many, and this week I will have at least 3. Sigh. Tonight John and I went out to dinner to somewhat celebrate the one year since our engagement :) It was nice to go out to eat and have whatever I wanted and not count it all out. Of course, now I feel nothing but guilt about it, but it was good while it lasted. Granted, I still didn't eat what I normally do at this place, but I'm pretty sure the 6 garlic knots that I consumed did NOT fit into my calorie count.... nor did the 3 thin mints that I just ate, because hey, why not? Sigh. I was mentally celebrating today when I put on a pair of pants that were actually BIG. Not just a little lose, but BIG to the point that I really should use a belt. And then I had dinner.... I know 1 day wont totally derail me... but 3 days just might. Tonight was also my day off from the gym which is NOT helping my cause. Saturday is a brewery tour with John and then BD's with friends. Then Sunday morning is brunch at the wedding caterer, and then dinner for a friend's birthday. Watch out scale... wide load coming through....

1 year since engagement! 45 days down...135 to go!

Day 44: No pain, no gain

But does it count if the pain happens before any of the work!? Yeah, I didn't think so.... It all started today when I went to the gym. I had my first real training session at 6, but I got to the gym a bit early so I could get some cardio in beforehand. Well, that was easier said than done! The gym was PACKED. I've seen it busy before, but my goodness. I finally ended up on the bike for about 20 minutes. After an emergency "break" I tried to find any cardio machine that I could use for the last 10 minutes before my training. There was literally not one machine available. So I decided to sit in the sauna for a few minutes to make sure my muscles were nice and warmed up. When my time was up, I hopped down from the 2nd step and OW. Something in my thigh popped. REALLY!? Sigh. I assumed it was just a pulled muscle or a little charlie horse, so I tried to walk it out..... that didn't help either. I went to my training session sure that the muscle would relax itself and I would carry on. Wrong. After 2 squats I was in pain. Not just "hey my muscles are sore" pain, but "ow, dont make me do that again" pain. I told my trainer. She suggested that somehow I pulled my hip flexor muscle (which is odd, because the pain is in the middle of my thigh). I stretched in the ways she told me to, but even that wouldn't loosen things up. I finished my workout with some modified routines (it was NOT half-assed by any means!) and survived. Now here I sit with an ice pack on my thigh as suggested, and my legs elevated like an old lady with poor circulation. Sigh. Even when I am trying to do something good I end up mucking it up! Tomorrow is a rest day anyway so I'm hoping that that helps! 

Oh! I lost 2.5lbs this week which brings my grand total to 12.7lbs in 6 weeks! Slow and steady, slow and steady.....I'm now in 4th place overall in the competition, but I have to remind myself what MY real goal is... although an extra $400 wouldn't hurt.... :)

44 days down...136 to go!

Day 43: Half empty? or Half full?

All day today I felt like I was running on at least half empty. I had a whole bonus weekend day ahead of me and I did NOTHING. I never got to the mounds of laundry in the bedroom, and I never even unloaded the dishwasher. It was a pure lazy day. I did go to the gym, but my workout was at the same intensity as the rest of my day. I just didn't feel motivated to keep up with the beat in the song or to push through the leg pain of the higher intensity. I just felt blah. I made it through the 60 minutes... begrudgingly.... I wasn't even remotely in the mood to work out today, but I figured if I was going to take the rest of the day off, that I should at least work out. Even if it was at a half-assed rate. I spoke to my trainer last week about 60 minutes on one piece of equipment vs. 20 minutes on 3 pieces of equipment. She basically said as long as I keep moving it doesn't really matter. The goal is to be successful, and if I know that I will get too bored doing the same thing for 60 minutes, then switching it up every 20 minutes is fine. Even with that knowledge today, I felt like I was dragging. The first 20 minutes on the elliptical felt like 2 hours. It was a Christmas miracle that I even finished. Eh. I don't know how much today's workout will really count, so just in case, I stayed within a 1200 calorie count today- it helps when you don't get out of bed until 11! I guess we will see tomorrow morning how the numbers pan out.... and if by some miracle I do just as well or heaven forbid BETTER than a normal week.... well, let's just say I'm going to have a very difficult time trying to convince myself to go back to 6 days a week in the gym! Think thin thoughts!

43 days down...137 to go!

Day 42: C is for cookie...

and cookie is for me! Yup. 2. whole. days. That's how long I made it before tearing into the Girl Scout cookies. Girl Scout crack. That's what I called them today. It's a very similar crack to the one that Disney has patented and used in such products as "Disney crack corn" and "Disney crack funnel cake" and the ever popular 'Disney crack Mickey ears ice cream". But no matter how strong my passion is for any of those items, none is as strong as my need for Girl Scout crack. I wish I could say well, at least I went to the gym today.... but I didn't. And I wish I could say, well, at least I was good for the rest of the day....but I wasn't. The only thing I can say is, well, I didn't eat the whole box. In fact, I didn't even eat the whole sleeve. Yaaaaaaay! Oh well, tomorrow is another day- and thanks to President's Day, I get a day of reprieve before I have to weigh in this week. Thankfully.

42 days down...138 to go!

Day 41: Is it a crime to watch a movie without popcorn?

Yes. Yes it is. But today, for what I can assume is the first time ever, I did it. Let me state for the record that I was planning all day to enjoy popcorn with my movie... I budgeted what I thought would be plenty of calories and ate accordingly. Then I looked up the true numbers. Almost 1000 calories. Over 70 grams of fat. Over 100% of the daily recommended total fat, and over 200% of the daily saturated fat. WHAT!? No matter how much I originally wanted it, I could not justify eating that much as a "snack". Not to mention that in a few days is another BL weigh in..... could you IMAGINE the tale I would have to tell when I gained weight? "well you see.... I ate my weight in pure fatty oil and salt" Lovely. I'm sure that would go over well. So I didn't eat it. I did however get junior mints. 16 whopping mints for 170 calories. I estimated I could eat 1 every 10 minutes of the movie. How sad. I ate 6. What a life I am now leading.

I also decided at some point today that I was done. I was done counting calories. I was done measuring and counting and wheeling and dealing and I just wanted to freaking eat. I didn't. John of course talked me down off the ledge with more words of encouragement and reminders of the fact that I AM losing weight, no matter how much I am resisting admitting it.

AND who the hell designed gyms!? Clear glass EVERYWHERE. Is is necessary that as people are driving by that they need to see me walk along the edge of the pool in my bathing suit? Is it not humiliating enough that I am IN a bathing suit? IN PUBLIC? But not only is the glass on the OUTSIDE but there is glass everywhere you look INSIDE. Today, as I was on the bike, I had a front row seat to every little perky girl, and every single muscular man just preening their way up the stairs to the weights area. Do I need to see the perky little bimbo SKIP down the stairs and then RUN them 2 at a time back up!? I GET IT. You are thin and the whoooooole world needs to know! I wish I was you and now thank you so much for making me feel totally inadequate. And as soon as I get THAT image out of my head and I am finally able to resist the urge to throw a stick in her way mid-step, I see the 300 lb man on his first day in the gym since his high school football days in 1981 wearing the same shorts that he was wearing in 1981. Still not with me? I have just 2 words for you.... DAISY. DUKES. True story.   Welcome to my nightmare....

41 days down...139 to go!

Day 40: The most disasterous thing has happened.....

...it's Girl Scout cookie time.................................. and not only is it cookie time, but I preordered some from my flower girl and I now have 4 boxes IN MY KITCHEN. Are you kidding me!? I was so close to eating my last 800 calories in cookies for dinner. But I didn't. So now here I am, desperately trying to make it through the day on my measly 1400 calories and here in the kitchen, next to the cheez its and teddy grahms, are Thin Mints and Tagalongs..... Sadly, they have WAY more power than the snacks that are readily available all year long. My plan to not eat them is two-fold. 1) Dont put them in the freezer. If you dont know, I LOVE stuff in the freezer. Muffins, cookies, candy bars, etc. I figure if I keep them room temperature, I will be less likely to eat the whole box in one sitting. 2) DONT OPEN THE BOX. After dinner, I was hoping I would have enough calories left for a serving of cookies (which sadly is only 2 for an insane amount of calories). I only had enough for one. Well that's just not worth it. Not to mention, IMPOSSIBLE. I have zero will power, and if I opened the box for one, I might just eat one....box.... so I left them closed. I dont know how long my plan of action is going to work, but it kept from going over my calories for one day. Tomorrow is another day though, and I DO need to eat before I go to the gym... the peanut butter center in the Tagalongs count as protein right? RIGHT!?

40 days down...140 to go!

Day 39: Friday EVE

Otherwise known as Thursday- although if you ask me, "Friday Eve" sounds a lot more glass half full don't you think? The only real problem with a Friday Eve (other than the fact that it ISN'T Friday) is when you THINK for several hours that it IS Friday. How depressing. Nothing like looking forward to the weekend and then realize there is still another whole day to go before you get there. Sigh. Welcome to my day! Since it IS only Thursday, it makes sense that I am still so sore that I held up an entire line of elementary students trying to get out to car line today. Haha. I somehow morphed into my grandmother thanks to a 30 minute intro session. That does NOT bode well for what lies ahead. Since it was a physical strain to go up or down stairs, bend to pick anything up, or heaven forbid do anything that involves a squatting motion, I clearly did not work out today. That's 2 "recovery" days. Sigh. I don't feel like I have the luxury to take 2 days off in a row like this. I can deal with 1, but 2 makes me feel like the weight is going to creep back on before my very eyes. I was however under my calories today, thanks to a delicious dinner prepared carefully by John. Tomorrow, no matter how much I look like I am channeling an old lady, I WILL go to the gym. Probably. "Quitting is forever. Pain is temporary". Thank you random man on the History channel for those words of wisdom as I was writing this and needed some inspiration. As long as I don't quit I will be ok. Even if I don't win the game, I will win MY war!

39 days down...141 to go!

Day 38: These boots may have been made for walkin...

...But these thighs were NOT made for squattin'. Wow. So here we are. The day after the "intro" personal trainer session. True to her word, I would hate her tomorrow. And I do. Yowza. I was planning on taking the today off from the gym anyway because as I have been told, "the recovery is just as important and the work". Well, you don't have to tell me twice! I did feel a LITTLE guilty today when I came home and plopped myself down on the couch, but even if I wanted to, there was no way I was going to be able to do anything meaningful today. I guess this throbbing in every muscle, front and back, from hip to knee is my "reward" for working hard yesterday. I keep telling myself that it will all be worth it, but as I sit here with my legs elevated and heat pads on them I have second thoughts. I'm all for the "no pain, no gain" BS even though I rarely follow it, but one day of hard work followed by several days of not being able to do anything seems a bit counterproductive don't you think!? Next week when I really start training (oh God help me....) I'm going to talk to her about ways to ease this muscle cramping and pain. It's obvious that I am WAY more out of shape then I even realized, hence the 3-4 days of being crippled after 30 minutes of strength training, but there have to be something else I can do so that I can work hard like every one else!

In other news, my pants are continuing to get bigger. They are not BIG by any means, but breathing is no longer just a luxury, and I no longer come home with the red ring of death around my midsection.... you know what I'm talking about.... some of you anyway! I am really hoping that I can lose another 10lbs within the next 5 weeks so my the time I go home in the last week of March, I will be down 20lbs. But we'll see. If the 2ISH pound loss a week continues, I should be able to do it. But we will have to see what my body thinks of that idea..... Right now, its too been enjoying it's chubby status.....

38 days down...142 to go!

Day 37: You want me to do WHAT!?

So today was day "1" with my trainer. I say that because it wasn't an official training session, it was more like a "meet and greet" for my thighs.... Basically, she had me do a few random things to see what I COULD do and then she took me through a MINI workout. Well, before the muscle atrophy kicked in, I signed up for 3 real sessions, once a week, beginning next Tuesday. I also discovered why the gym has an elevator. No, no. Not for handicapped people, or those who come in the gym hobbling with a cast and on crutches (yes, I have seen it. And I'm PRETTY sure that broken bones are an excuse NOT TO WORK OUT) but for those who are doing personal training upstairs that equals squats, squats with a yoga ball, squats with weights, and squats with the tube. By the time I was done walking down the TWO flights of stairs without tumbling down and landing on my face, I felt like I deserved and award. Or at least cake or something as an award! Now, a few hours after our "quick session", my thighs are still like jello jigglers and I'm PRETTY sure I will be crawling up the stairs tomorrow.  Damn. I REALLY regret working and living on the 2nd floor..... I can't say I wasn't warned. She flat out told me "your front half will hate me tonight" <check!> "and your back half will hate me tomorrow!" Awesome. I like a little honesty in a trainer. I am starting to realize that John was right... this might just actually help. Well, at least it will keep me on track if nothing else! As of right now, I'm actually excited to start working with her- at least for a few weeks to give me ideas of what else I can do when I'm at the gym by myself. At least that's how I feel now. Check with me tomorrow when my "glutes" are pissed. Again.

37 days down...143 to go!

Day 36: Roller coaster of a day

Join me won't you as I recap my roller coaster of a day....ready? Hold on. I'm warning you.....
I wake up and I am FINALLY allowed to open my Valentine's Day card that John left for me several days earlier. It was so sweet that not only did he remember Valentine's Day, but he had the forethought to get me a card ahead of time so that I had it for this morning was super sweet! I get to work, ready for my weigh in..... 2 more pounds down! WOO! A few hours later, I head to the office, and I'm told that the beautiful daisies (wedding flowers!) are for me! Awww I have the best fiance ever!!!!! My day is still heading in the right direction. I decided at that point that since John is away, I am going to surprise him with dinner when he gets back to his hotel. I figure out where he is staying, and order a heart-shaped pizza (I'm a nerd, I know), wings, and dessert and set it to have it delivered when he should be arriving back at his hotel. I giggle at my ingenious. I make it through most of the day, and finally it's time for our party. The volunteer parents start showing up and putting out the food. Lots. of. sugar. and. chocolate. And I want it. ALL. And I ignore it. ALL. I pretended to be happy with my cucumbers, broccoli, and mini tomatoes. Wahoo.... party......My students are getting more and more obnoxious thanks to a situation that I am not at liberty to discuss on the internet..... but it pisses me off. A lot. After being SO good during the party, I scarf down 2 pieces of chocolate. Dammit. 150 calories because I was annoyed. Shortly after, I finish tallying the results of the BL game. At the midpoint, I am in 3rd place out of 21! YAY! Of course that means I win NOTHING, but we still have 5 more weeks so we'll see what happens...... Anyway, as I'm heading home from work, John calls me to tell me they are done with work and are heading to the hotel early. Crap. I call the pizza place and beg them to change the time. They said they will. Then John tells me they are going out to dinner. CRAP. I'm torn. Do I tell him about the dinner surprise? Or do I try to stall him and hope the pizza beats him out the door? I opt for option 2. I was wrong. He leaves for dinner not knowing that he has dinner on its way. Through texts, I eventually tell him what's going on. I was SO upset that my plan backfired, that I was literally on the bike at the gym, crying. What an ass I must have looked like. After 60 minutes of cardio, because realistically, I was pissed, I talked to a personal trainer. I start tomorrow! I finally headed out for dinner of my own and went to Qdoba (secret diet food!) On my way home, I decided that working out wasn't enough to get rid of my anger so I went to McDonald's for some dessert for me and my valentine-my puppy Molly. Of course, since ice cream melts, I just HAD to eat it first. I mean afterall, dessert is the most important meal of the day right? RIGHT? <crickets>........

And that my friends was my day. Feel free to barf from the crazy ride at any time.Oh, and PS- Happy Valentine's Day!

36 days down...144 to go!

Day 35: Down with the sickness

No, thankfully not literally. I'm sure that's coming soon though, but for right now I am avoiding any illness like the plague. I'm avoiding that too. I'm talking about the calorie count sickness... and I have it bad. I have the fever (and yes, the only cure is more cowbell.......). Let me explain. I'm counting calories. Duh. I'm just over a month into this time, but I have done this before. I have also had this sickness before too. The sickness is mentally calculating calories for others as I watch them eat. Now, I don't do this all the time, so don't panic if you have recently eaten with me. But I found myself doing this today while watching Grey's Anatomy. There is poor Lexi Grey, pouring her heart out and scarfing down Reese's PB Cups.... and all I could think about was "don't you know that each one of those is around 75 calories!!!!????!!!!!" Granted, this girl could afford to eat a bag or two of them, but that is not the point. Part of me was SO jealous that she was eating them without care (yes. I DO realize its a tv show, and she is probably spitting them out, or puking them up off camera, but again, NOT THE POINT) and the other part of me wanted to just scream "YOU JUST ATE 600 CALORIES IN THAT ONE SENTENCE!" Yes. I have the sickness. Thankfully, I kept my comments to myself because A) I'm not totally insane and 2) I do NOT need to become my grandmother already and yell at the screen while watching tv. At least I don't do it all the time yet.....

Other than my insanity, not much else has changed. I was able to pretty much stay within my lower calorie count today to try to make up from last night's dinner. I have no idea what the scale will say tomorrow during the weigh in.... hopefully it's at least what it was on Tuesday, but again, since I weighed in a day late as long as my numbers don't increase tomorrow I should be ok. At least that's what I'm telling myself.....

35 days down...145 to go!

Day 34: Stretchy pants... not just for granny's anymore!

Now, before you get concerned about the fact that I am writing this so early, I have to say that Io am going OUT tonight. At 10pm. I know I know... its like you dont even know me anymore! In order to make it until 10 o'clock however, I have to leave my house at 7:30 and eat dinner ahead of time. haha. Small steps! Anyway, as I was starting the LONG process of trying to figure out what to wear, I stared at the small jeans pile. Lord. There are TONS of pairs of pants there. All different sizes, shapes, colors. I tried on THE pants again, and they are still way too tight. At the bottom of the pile was a pair of stretchy jeans. No, not JEGGINGS, because those are just frightening. Actual denim material with some give. Except that lately, even the give wasn't enough to let me walk out the door. I haven't worn these pants in several months, but I thought that maybe, just maybe, 8lbs would be enough to close the button again..... and it is! That's right, I'm in a pair of jeans from the skinnier pile! Granted, they have elastic in them in every possible way, but I'm in them, and I haven't been able to say that for a while. And as I am cheering about my weight loss, I am looking at the menu for where I am having dinner tonight. Not only does it not fit in my remaining 600ish calories that I have left for the day, but I think even if I add in the 300ish calories I have remaining for the WEEK that I will still be over budget. Sigh. I wasn't planning on having a cheat day this week, because I am quickly realizing that my body can't handle that and still lose weight... .but it is what it is. Now I just need to deal with it and move on instead of letting it destroy me mentally on Monday when I weigh in. At least I had a decent work out today, and I WILL work out tomorrow. Maybe I will even sign up for that personal trainer.... dun. dun, dun......

34 days down...146 to go!

Day 33: If I Could Turn Back Tiiioooome......

That's "time" for those of you who don't speak Cher. Not that I am proficient in the language, but that one I do know. ANYWAY. Yes yes so it's true, I finally forgot to blog a day! In my defense (why do I have to defend myself so much with you people!? Get off my back already! :) ) I opened my computer to blog last night and it informed me that I needed an update and a restart.... apparently in the time it took to do that, I fell asleep. Oops. So here is what I SHOULD have written last night, and then tonight I will write again for today and be back on track. Forgive me? Awesome. So here goes:

Day 33: I miss food. Real food. Food that doesn't require measuring and counting and weighing. Food that can be ordered off any menu at any time and not blow my diet so far off course that I can't even see the shore anymore. I know this is not the time to be weak. I'm only a month into this, and I still have a looooooooooooooong way to go, but this is my blog, and I'll whine if I want to! Yesterday was a perfect example. It was an early release day for kids. Now that means that the teachers and staff scatter in every which direction to try to grab lunch and be back to the library in 45 minutes. That also means that most people don't have time to eat before the meeting, and so we all sit there with our various greasy spoon sacks and supersized drinks. As I looked around the room (after consuming my Subway 6in turkey sub with no cheese, no oil, and light mayo silently in my room) I saw all the other possibilities. Burgers, burritos, pasta, sandwiches, etc. All I could do was miss the food that I used to eat without care. I KNOW it's unhealthy. I KNOW its partly the reason why I have to do this diet now and panic 5 months before my wedding. But it's HARD. Its hard to like food as much as I do, and now feel limited to eat off the "you want to fit into your dress DONT YOU? menu everywhere I go. I saw a commercial for Olive Garden when i got home from he gym last night (yes, I'm back on track with the gym) so I looked up the caloire count. All I can say is holy. shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. It's just as bad, IF NOT WORSE than Chili's! The fettuccine alfredo (which DUH of course I knew it was bad, but not THIS bad) has a whopping insane amount of calories. That's after scarfing down the oily bread sticks and salad with yummy dressing. And all the while that I was hyperventilating about how many of these meals I have consumed in my life, I missed it. Here I was, angel on one shoulder, devil on the other. One day I hope to be strong enough to tell the devil to "f- off" but for now, I will settle with being able to tell him to shut up on most days, and forage on with what I need to do. Here's hopin'!

33 days down... 147 to go!

Day 32: It's my party and I'll cry if I want to!

And I did. I knew it was only a matter of time before I had a full fleged melt down, and it finally happened today. Today, after leaving the gym, John told me that for Valentine's Day, he was planning on getting me personal training sessions because he is seeing how much I am struggling with weight loss and staying confident. Instead of getting really excited about having a huge push in the right direction, I cried. A lot. Logical right? Of course he felt defeated. I had to quickly explain to him that the REASON I was so upset is because I feel like I should be able to do this all on my own. I shouldn't have to deal with these gym hardbodies every day just to make progress. Even though it's becoming very obvious that I need help. I don't know what I'm doing. I am pushing myself so hard that I am passing the fat burn mode and working in the "max heart rate" area. I know all this. But the thought of having someone tell me everything I was doing wrong and reminding me that I can't do this on my own makes me mad. I have always been a very independent person and I have a VERY hard time accepting help. Ugh. I'm still not sure how I feel about it, but it seems like the training is going to be purchased for me either way, so I guess I better get on board! CHOOCHOO!
32 days down...148 to go!

Day 31: "Take with food"...

...is not just a mere suggestion! Yuck., I definitely learned THAT lesson this morning. I have been very diligent about taking all my vitamins (and yes, they are VITAMINS, not diet pills) daily. It's a whole "woman's variety pack" from GNC, and it is highly suggested that the morning set should be taken with food. Not a problem. I have been taking them every day for a few weeks, and never had a problem, other than a but of jitteriness from the Burn 60 in the first few days. today, was a different story. I popped my pack at around 630 and off I went on my way to work. About 20 minutes later, I thought to myself "hmmm I really should have eaten something". Ten minutes later I was just praying that I wouldn't throw up. (I didn't by the way). (Oh, and to answer your next question, NO, I'm NOT pregnant. Did you get that!?) Out of desperation, I pulled into the McDonald's drive thru because I needed to eat SOMETHING and waiting was no longer an option. I got my (former) traditional breakfast sandwich but opted to skip the hash browns. I took one bite. Gag. Me. The vitamins had officially destroyed my morning. By the time I got to work I was in full blown stomach flu feeling. Thankfully, a lot of water and some saltine crackers later, and I was feeling MUCH better. I was even able to eat the rest of my breakfast sandwich. Which was now cold. What a waste of calories.

The rest of my day was pretty much a wash. I stayed within my allotment, but I didn't work out, even though I didn't work out yesterday. Oops. I just wasn't in the mood today. When I am being a cranky pants, there is nothing that will force me to get to the gym. Tomorrow, I will bring my gym clothes with me to work again and make sure I never make it up the stairs to my front door without burning a few hundred calories first. Now I am off to bed feeling guilty x 2 reasons... and still cranky. Ugh.

31 days down... 149 days (5 months exactly as of today!) to go!

Day 30: I don't think you're ready for this jelly....

So here we are... 1 month in. I can't believe how fast the time is flying! Of course, on a daily basis when I am so hungry and it's only 3pm I feel like time is at a standstill... but that is something I'm learning to deal with.... I guess.... Today was weigh in #5... I think. Well, initial and then 4 more. I think. whatever. Today I weighed in... despite the fact that I promised I wouldn't weigh myself obsessively at home, I have been... and at the gym... and what I have learned is that my scale is so freaking unreliable. Yes yes... I KNOW we already have covered this.... But it is REALLY unreliable. To the point that John was ready to throw it away and buy a new scale.....until we stepped on the new one at the store and it said we were both 12lbs heavier than the scale at home. Yeah..... that's when we decided that unreliable was WAY better than HUGE. Nothing like feeling like a big FAT failure in the middle of Bed Bath and Beyond. I wonder how many other pre-brides they have had having a small nervous breakdown in the section somewhere between bath and beyond.... I would assume that if all the scales add on a healthy 12lbs, than I am not the only one! Meanwhile, the weigh in. Now, I weighed in 1 day later than everyone else, which is great for THIS week, because it gave me an extra day to lose, but will SUCK for next week when I have a day less! Ooops. Anyway, I did lose another 2 lbs :). Better than last week's 1.5, but as I just stated, I had an extra day.... Either way, I am now down 8.something lbs from 30 days ago. I guess when I look at it that way, I can't really complain about my progress (although I WILL... and we all already know that so just jump on that train now....). Would I LOVE to be losing weight faster? Duh. Would I LOVE to not stress every week about what the scale will say? Duh. But this is not my fate. I figured that even if I don't win the game (which I am not even in the running for right now!) as long as I can fit into my dress, I will be a happy girl! First step- wearing the skinnier jeans in public..... uh.... check back on day 60!

30 days down...150 to go! 

Day 29: Who needs skinny jeans....

...when you have a whole closet full of skinniER jeans!? Today, I did something I haven't done in a while- I attempted to put on jeans that I KNOW are too small. I did this not because I am a masochist, but because I needed to know if my body really was changing despite not seeing huge results on the scale. Rumor has it, that 12lbs = 1 pant size. I needed to know if this was true.(dont get excited... I havent lost 12lbs...I just needed to see if I was making ANY progress at all....)  Of course, I picked jeans that are the same "size" as the ones I fit comfortably into, but because they are an entirely different brand, they are at least a size or so smaller than what the label says. At the beginning of all this, I wasn't able to even pull these pants of death over my thunder thighs.... today, not only did I surmount the thighs, but I was able to climb Mt. Hugeass and actually button them! Now, they weren't even close to looking ok, and I will NOT be wearing them out of the house for a very long time, but I pulled them up. And let's face it, that is way more than half the battle! Either way, tomorrow is another day, and I will hopefully be one step closer to the end goal. I am taking a day off from the gym tomorrow A) because the roads are going to be so horrible that I will burn plenty of calories just from having my heart pump out of my chest during the drive to and from work and 2) because my legs officially feel like jello. I think that is a sign that I need a day off!Yup. Immabe thinkin'.......

29 days down...151 to go!

Day 28: Cheeseheads vs. Theives

Or something like that right? Now, I DO like football. I actually watch it and understand it and cheer and yell and get stressed out about the outcome.... when it's a team I care about. Today? I watched for the commercials and what I *assumed* would be an entertaining half time show. I won't even get into my feelings about the "singing" of any of tonight's performances (I mean who forgets, changes, and skips lines in the Star Spangled Banner!? Not MY choir I will tell you THAT much.....) but since that is not the point of this blog, I won't bother to go there. Today I will continue my daily chronicle and struggle with losing weight vs. all the delicious foods in my wake. Superbowl is synonymous with eating. Lots. Football pig out  high calorie yumminess. Today was no exception. Kind of. I have one food that I always eat for as football food. Super Pretzels and cheese. I was not going to let counting calories stop me, even despite the partridge in a pear tree that I consumed yesterday. My plan was as follows: A) work out (check! That makes 6/7 days this week!) B) Make the cheese as low cal as possible. And I did. I used 2% velveta and "light" alfredo sauce. Granted, it wasn't the healthiest choice possible, but for me, counting calories is not about giving up every single food that I love, but about making them accessible. At least for now. So that was my day. I still feel guilty from yesterday's food fest 2011 and today's subsequent round 2 today, but at least I did work out so that offsets SOME of it. Well, that and celery of course. haha.

28 days down...152 to go!

Day 27: 4 pieces of cake, 3 chicken wings, 2 rounds of fries...

AAAAnd one de-ep fried Twinkie!!!!!!!!!! And there you have it. My cheat day. In my "defense" the cake slices are TINY. As in, 16 slices per 8 inch round cake. But I still ate 4. At least. And loved every single delicious bite! Until later when my body said "ummmmmm what the hell did you just do!?" and made me feel violently ill for the remainder of the day. Oops. I guess I just can't hold my cake like I used to! I will also say that I did not eat a whole deep fried Twinkie. In fact, I don't think I ate ANY of the Twinkie. Don't cheer. I ate 1/2 a deep fried Oreo (did you even know Oreos could BE deep fried!? Me either....) and a bite or 2 of a funnel cake. After eating chicken wings with ranch and fries for dinner. Kill. Me. I did however eat 5 pieces of celery. That has to negate SOMETHING right!? Yeah I didn't think so.................

The ONLY good news is that I went to the gym this morning and burned around 500 calories. And I have gone every day this week except Tuesday. AND right now I feel so guilty about my day of splurging that I stared longingly at every 24 Hour Fitness we passed on the drive home and thought about going back and buring another 500 calories. Or 1000. Or 1500. Sigh. But I won't. The fact that I even care is proving to me that I am growing (and I don't just mean my pants size from today's indiscretions.) Oh yeah, and 1/2 a chocolate caramel from Rocky Mountain Chocolate. Forgot about that. Oh boy....... Tomorrow is Sunday. I better start praying. BL members.... stop. cheering. NOW.

27 days down....1 cake ordered.....153 to go!

Day 26: Rated PG-13 for brief discussions of nudity

I realized today that beyond the obvious short term goal of wanting to look amazing in my wedding dress, I have a long term goal as well... one that might seem odd (and it is)...but one that is totally honest. I want to be able to go to the gym and change in the locker room. That's it. Odd right? Let me explain. I do NOT want to be one of those woman that proudly strut around with nothing more than the stale air as their clothing. I do NOT want to be the woman who undresses completely and THEN starts slowly doing the combination to the locker.... on the bottom  while practicing her squats of course. I do NOT want to be the woman who gladly shows her cash and prizes to everyone walking in the room while continuing to have a conversation with her equally naked friend. I also do NOT want to be in the naked welcoming committee in the first row of lockers, pausing every few seconds to say hello to the naked (and non naked) newcomers to the room. Yes, these are all things that I experience daily at the gym. These things, to be frank, gross me out. I do not understand how or why these people parade around like that! What I would like to be able to do however is change quietly in the back row of lockers, far away from the front door, from work clothes to gym clothes, WITHOUT displaying all that I have to offer and more. Is this really so difficult?! Yes. Every day I think to myself, "TODAY is the day I will do it". And every day, "today" comes.... and goes.... and I run right into a stall to change in the privacy, and intimacy (read: teeny tiny) instead of out in the open with everyone else. I have never seen ANYONE else do what I do. Everyone else, big or small, young or old, has no issue stripping down in front of God and everyone to change and go about their business. And then there is me. Hiding. I guess it really shouldn't come as a huge surprise since I don't want to look at myself while changing, so i really can't imagine anyone else wanting to suffer the fate of having to see me do it! I'll end this now before you get too much of a mental picture.... Sadly, I dont need a mental picture.... I have a mirror. Barf.

26 days down...154 to go!

Day 25: Redemtion

So after last night's dinner fiasco, I knew that I would not only need to make a meal that was decent, but one that redeemed the utter crap from last night AND be delicious and non "diety" tasting for John. He has been craving a cheeseburger, so I decided thats what I would make tonight. Sounds simple enough.. until you remember that both people eating only have 800 calories left for the day. I found the lowest fat beef I could, weighed my options of cheese, chose a yummy non low cal bread, and picked up the toppings that John likes. The good news? I TOTALLY redeemed myself! The burgers tasted like real burgers, not dry scary bits of beef like I was fearing. In fact, had John not been concerned with his calorie count for the day, he wouldn't have even known they were totally within our budget! In fact, we were even able to eat fries (18 of them) and still have calories left over! WAAAAHOOOOO! Redemption!

I hate to cut this short, but thanks to my 2 hour commute home, my whole night has been pushed back and it is now late and time for bed. Stay tuned my dear readers. Saturday is going to be a whole day of eating really really REALLY horrible food (and eating/ordering wedding cake!) and loving every morsel. Fingers crossed I don't blow all my hard work in one day.... we'll see............ :)

25 days down... 155 to go!

Day 24: The road to hell....

is paved with whatever I just produced for dinner.... YUCK. Now, let me say that I CAN cook. I don't do it often, but when I do cook, it is edible 99% of the time. Today? The 1%. I had around 700ish calories left for dinner so I decided to make myself some fried shrimp using panko breadcrumbs. I've made this before. Lots of times. I know how to do this. I SWEAR. I measured out my breadcrumbs and counted out my shrimp. I even had enough calories for some french fries so I carefully counted those out as well. Thankfully, the fries I was able to handle. I mean how difficult is it to put frozen fries in a toaster oven? The shrimp however was another story. Everything was going along as planned until the shrimp hit the pan. And then? Ew. Plastic burning and melting. WHY does my dinner smell like plastic burning and melting!? I panicked. I pulled the pan from the stove just waiting to see a plastic massacre.... but there was nothing. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooook. Maybe my hunger was making me smell things? So I continued cooking. And the smell continued as well. I tried to ignore it, and wait until dinner was ready to make any rash decisions about what this peculiar smell was from..... I took the food off the stove and took a bite...... and spit it out into the sink. It was HORRIBLE. The taste was worse than the smell. I don't know what in the world happened, but something went terribly TERRIBLY wrong. In my defense, I did not burn dinner, and I did not do anything differently. I'm beginning to think the culprit may have been oil. Can oil go bad?! If so, that's the answer. All I know is A) I will not be eating shrimp anytime soon and B) I should stick to cheez-its and teddy grahams!

24 days down...156 to go!

Day 23: "Snow Day". Neither snow, nor just one day. Discuss.

Today I had the priviledge of having my very first snow day... without any additional snow! AND just in case I wasn't able to get it right today, I get to practice again tomorrow! Wahoo!!!!!!! Being in the house all day does have it's downfalls however.... and today I realized I was not the only one feeling this way. In fact, a facebook friend of mine posted this earlier, "Dear West Coast Friends- I hate you and your perfectly normal weather and environment. Think of me gaining 123432334 pounds due to being stuck in my house for days while you are out at "beaches" and "beer gardens" and "running daily errands." And the only witty comment I could think of for this was, "agreed". 

I have been pacing the house all day (in my pjs thank you very much!) from the kitchen to the couch and back again. True, I did take a detour once or twice, but for the most part, my only exercising has been the 3.4 steps it takes to walk from one to the other and back again. Wait! I also stretched a few times by reaching for food on top of the fridge or on a high shelf in the pantry. Whew. What a workout! I'm sure that burned a whole calorie! Combined! Now, as I said yesterday, I will no longer be counting my workouts as negative calories, so don't worry, you wont see that whole one calorie show up as my exercise for the day! But I digress. I have done my very best not to eat my weight in cheez-its and teddy grahams today. These things are great when I can count them out, put them in a ziplock bag, and head off to school. There is no way to over eat or consume the whole box and call it "lunch". But today.... today when the high was -2 and there was no way I was leaving my house, I SWEAR I heard those teddy grahams whispering and laughing and taunting me.... which should shy me away from the box altogether... but you know what I mean! The good news about being in the house all day is that I was unable to drive to the local delicious drive thru. Although the I think pizza place number is starting to conspire with the "grahams" and "its"..........SHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

23 days down...157 to go! (and 1 more day of being in the house with the whispering snack foods!)