Day 109: What a Reject

*Note, this is TECHNICALLY being written on Friday, however it is very much Thursday's blog. I will (possibly) write again today for today's blog.... just go with it....

I'm a reject. It's official. It's not really a NEW realization, but one that hurts just as much as if it was (were?). Today I felt like I was 6 years old again, and my next door neighbor who I THOUGHT was my friend stepped out into the middle of our cul-de-sac while I was riding my bike, and LOUDLY chanted "I'm having a birthday party and you're not inviteeeeeeeeeeed!" It was painful as a 6 year old, and I have to admit, it was just about as painful last night when I realized that I am still not one of the cool kids. Now, it doesn't really matter what the event was, but the fact that I knew about it, was told I would be invited, and I would get more information later, and then never heard a single word about it again until I saw the posts about it reminding me that I was CLEARLY never really invited.... yeah.... that felt good. As I said, I have never been part of the cool kids club. I was never invited to parties in high school, or even college for that matter. I'm always the DD, even now,  because it's always just assumed that I wouldn't be drinking anyway (aka: party pooper). The list goes on, but I don't want to throw myself a pity party (I probably wouldn't be invited to that one anyway.... kidding....). I have normally been ok with not being part of the "in" crowd, because I have always had a small group of really close friends around me. There I was always part of the club, and always (usually) felt wanted. I realized last night that even this group is dwindling. I guess that's my fault too since I "chose to move" (aka: became the evil spawn of satan for wanting a change in my life) I am very grateful for the friends that I have in my life, but I wish that I was closer with some of them... especially the ones who are far. I even decided this morning that I was done blogging. I was done sharing my thoughts and feelings with people who don't really care. I have realized that most of my friends aren't even reading this! Then I decided, who cares!? Let strangers read it! Let people who used to be my friends, that I am pretty damn sure are reading this, read it! Let my family and future family read it! Let my co-workers read it! I have always been an open book, so why should I stop now? My struggle with weight loss has ALWAYS been public, so why not share it with the world?
And what does all this have to do with operation wedding dress? Not a damn thing. Unless you count the rest of the bag of Doritos I finished last night as I moped around the house. Or the full McDonald's breakfast that I scarfed down this morning because I was still in a crappy mood over this stupidity. Yeah, I guess you can count that.....
109 days down...72 to go!
PS- I love you John. Thank you for being my best friend.

Day 107: Who is Will and why does he have so much Power?

Whoever he is, he is no friend of mine. In fact, I am pretty sure he is the enemy. Let's get down to it shall we? I have no will power. None. Zip. Zero. And why??? I have no idea. I do fine alllllllllllllllllll day long, I even had my Qdoba for dinner, and then? Disaster. Chips and everything else random. This was NOT the week to start calorie count again, but I am trying. I will do better. I will lose the last few pounds. I WILL. I was thinking today about my "goal". I thought, well, if I can be 159, then I can be 155.... and well, I can be 150 and....... ok, I need to just stop. First of all, I will NEVER be skinny. I never have been skinny. I am just not built that way. I have never been thin or slight or small boned. I'm a big girl, and it is what it is. Will I reach my goal of walking down the aisle at 159? Absolutely. Will I keep losing weight and get back to my lowest of 137? No. It's not realistic. I can't maintain that weight, and I don't want to end up looking back on wedding pictures with regrets of "oh why can't I be that small again" etc etc. I need to reach my goal and be happy with it. I need to remember that John loves me for who I am, not the unrealistic numbers that i can't really reach. I WILL reach my goal and that is that. The end. And thanks for nothing Will........
It's official. Will. i. Am Power(less). Sigh.
107 days down...73 to go!

Day 106: It's Monday. THE Monday.

I swore that TODAY, I would get back on calories. TODAY I would stop giving excuses. TODAY I would get back on the damn horse and just lose the last few pounds I need to to reach my goal. And then came today. What. a. freaking. day. Let's just say, if I had known what kind of day I was going to have, there is NO WAY I would have pinky swore that today I would start counting again. I'm not going to get into all the nitty gritty that has nothing to do with what this blog about, but I will say this: remember when I said I never remember if you feed a cold and starve a fever or the other way around so I just feed an everything? Well, the number 1 thing I feed is PISSED OFF. My class is getting summer fever which is NOT GOOD. because we have a looooooooooooooong way to go before we are done. But they are making me CrAzY which makes me want to eat. So I did. Thankfully, I didn't have much at school to eat. I even brought last night's dessert and put it in the staff lounge so I wouldn't be tempted to eat 18 mini cakes and 2 lbs of strawberries and a bowl full of chocolate sauce by myself. Because I could. Bet me. I counted out my pretzels and cream cheese, some strawberries (with a TINY drizzle of chocolate. TINY.) and at my yogurt later. That + "breakfast" = 650 calories left for dinner. No problem. I would run my errands and then get Qdoba while I was out. I ended up being totally derailed by my errands and I left a store SO pissed off. Now I had to eat. Qdoba. I stayed focused. I went to Qdoba. They didn't have plain rice (I HATE cilantro. barf). Ooooooooook. So much for that. I head back toward my house. Noodles? Nah. BBQ? Nope. Now the anger and annoyance is building. food. now. Fine. KFC. Ugh. I pull into the parking lot, carefully figure out what I can eat and order. Pull up to the window. "we're out of biscuits. Dinner roll?" NO! No I don't want a freaking DINNER ROLL. Ugh. "No thank you!" I get home. Extra crispy fried chicken. Yup, exactly what I ordered..................................not. fkjsfggfFHFGGFG!!!!!! That's it. I give up. I ate most of it. I was left with 130 calories. I ate dessert. Sugar free dessert shell with strawberries and whipped cream. I went over my calories. by 30. Perfect. In fact, screw it. I just ate 5 Doritos.  I'll try again tomorrow. Sorry Sana Millee!
106 days down... 74 days to go!

Day 103: today's the day

So, ps, I'm still sick. I was in be by 8 last night (hence no blog) and 6am was still an insane struggle. I've been coughing every few minutes and my throat and lungs are so raw from it. I'm just a barrel of cute right now....
Anyway, today I assume is the day that I really break that 1/2pm barrier. I started the day with a sausage biscuit. Yes, I know I swore them off. Yes, I know it made me sick last time. Truthfully, I was banking on that again... As gross at it sounds. Then I ate a breaded fish filet at lunch. Why? I have no idea. Then red robin for dinner with cheese sticks and mayo on my burger because I forgot to say no mayo....idiot.... So yeah, I can assume today is the day that I have officially f'ed up enough to make me gain weight. Sigh. Although I haven't been counting calories and I'm CLEARLY not working out, I still feel extreme guilt for gorging. Monday. Monday HAS to be the day that I get back to it. I need to get to my walk down te aisle weight and THEN i can maintain. Monday. Yes, Monday. Who's with me?!
103 days down...77 to go!

Day 101: Stiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiill Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick

I'm sick of being sick. I'm sick of having a "colb". Now its turned into this lovely hacking cough that sounds distinctly like ebola. I have no idea if that's true. But I am coughing. And it's obnoxious. I never remember the correct statement- "feed a cold, starve a fever"? "feed a fever, starve a cold"? Whatev. I like my method: "feed a cold, feed a fever, feed a cough, feed a headache, feed a charlie horse, feed a muscle cramp, feed a pimple". It's pretty much a rule to live by I think. So of course, that's what I'm doing. Naturally. (and really, was there ever any doubt?) I think I have officially reached my breaking point however. I weighed myself a few minutes ago, and I am up 4.5lbs from this morning. Yes, I KNOW this isn't a true weight, but I also know what my bedtime weight usually is (and yes I KNOW I'm obsessive... and ridiculous...) and I think tomorrow will be the day that I officially gain weight. Which means HOPEFULLY, tomorrow will be the day that I really buckle down, and stop screwing around, and lose the last pounds. (I'm almost a poet and didn't know it). We shall see... For now, I am going to get to bed early and try to fight off this Swine Flu. Just kidding. I don't have swine flu. or bird flu. Don't call the cdc. Seriously.
101 days down...79 to go!

Day 100: Nyquil Blogging

Let me apologize AGAIN for being awol... John was home this weekend and instead of being SO distracted by having him home and all the fun we would be having and all the places we would go, I I was sick. all. freaking. weekend. long. I made it to the mall on Saturday afternoon and then promptly had to take a nap. I was up for a few hours, and then had to take a nap. I sat on the couch and watched John eat dinner.... and then had to take a nap. Sunday was more of the same. Bed, couch, couch, bed. Goodnight. Monday I desperate tried to call in sick and not go to work, but APPARENTLY putting in for a sub at 615am wasn't early enough, so I dragged myself in. Today, I am feeling less achy, (and THANKFULLY the really crappy feeling was gone by Monday) but I am still so congested that my "D's" sound like "B's" and I still clearly have a colb......... and about 20 minutes ago, I took Nyquil..... so please forgive me if my words startslurringandblendingfornoparticularreason.......................................
So that's my excuse as to where I have been. Truthfully, nothing has changed. I haven't worked out. I haven't gone back on calories no matter how many times I have said I was going to. I even had pizza and bread sticks (and let me state that I just typed "cread sticks" and looked at it for 30 seconds trying to figure out why the red squiggle was under the word... nyquil people... NYQUIL) so obviously there is no pressing need (except yes there is!) to go back on calories......I KNOW I KNOW! Where is your leader!? Where is the calorie warrior!? Hungry. That's where she is. Hungry and sweating. And I really REALLY like feeding her...... 6lbs. I need 6 (or 8....) more pounds and then I can be in the freaking 150s for the first time in FOREVER and I can happily main THAT instead of THIS. Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelp!
100 freaking days down! 100 days!!!! 80 days to go! (WHAT!?!?!?!)
nyquil.....ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzjfhsdFJGF;KGUHghsdkjvghkgjhsv................................

Day 95: When does your butt hanging out...

....stop being cute? Sadly, a looooooooooooooong time ago I fear..... I was having this very discussion with some of the girls at work today. We were discussing our childhood/teenage activities. I thought back on my days as a "gymnast" (classes offered at the local high school on the cheap for kids) and of course as a "dancer" (one year at Mrs. P's and I had just about enough of Surfin' USA thank you very much!). I don't know exactly when I took up couch surfing as my personal form of exercise, but I would imagine somewhere around the time that my fat rolls were the same size as my butt. And who are we kidding, jiggle isn't cute at any age.... past about 12 months old.... and I have very much passed that..... a few times.....So yes, that was the end of my "career". Nothing like being the chunky girl in the leg warmers when you are 4. Of course none of this has to do with ANYTHING  except that I am still the chunky girl (and why the HELL are leg warmers coming BACK?!) and my ass is still hanging out of clothes, as I was oh so delicately reminded today in the dressing room. It's ok though, I shut up my sorrow... with a Big Mac. Yes seriously. Yes I'm demented. Yes it was delicious. Yes I feel guilty. Yes I will do it again.....

95 days down...85 to go!

Day 94: Everything's better with cheese and chocolate

Melting Pot. Yes please. Delicious. Not helping the wedding dress situation at ALL, but it was mighty delicious. I went with my friend and had a girls' night, and every bite was totally worth it. It's fun to go sometimes without the boys (and yes John, I PROMISE we will go eventually!) because Melissa and I 9/10 times agree on what we want to eat. This goes for not only fondue choices, but just about any time we go out to eat. Usually she will order and I will just say "me too". Or "what are we havig tonight?". So fondue is no exception. We got everything we knew our signifcant others would HATE, and we loved every. single. bite.
Have I mentioned that I really, REALLY need to start eating better and working out again? Like now? yeah... I thought so..... sigh......
94 days down...86 to go!

Day 93: Who Needs Jimminy Cricket...

...as a conscience when you have my oh so reliable stomach? It goes like this: I go to dinner (yes, even though i KNOW I shouldn't. I am spending way too much money AND way too many calories....). I think long and hard about what I want to eat vs what I SHOULD eat. Want wins. I hear Jimminy.... "psst... PSST..... AHEM. PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSST! You really shouldn't be ordering that. You know you are going to regret it. You KNOW what's going to happen. You might want to trust me on this.... No? Ok then. Suit yourself.... idiot....." I brush off that pesky little Jimminy and I eat. And eat. And eat. And eat dessert. Lots. of. dessert. "HA!" I think to myself. What does my dumb conscience know anyway!? I might gain a pound, but I know I can lose it. I'm a big girl and I can do what I...... oh crap. My stomach has just gotten word of everything that I have eaten. And it's PISSED. Apparently, my stomach and my conscience are in cahoots about what I should and should not be eating. I should have known. This is not the first time my stomach has taught me a lesson (and sadly I doubt it will be the last). MaybeI should learn that if I KNOW it's not a good idea for me to eat something that my stomach will soon agree. Someday....

93 days down...87 to go!

Day 92: 6 of 1, 1/2 dozen of the other....

6 lbs. I have 6 lbs to lose to reach my goal. 6. flipping. pounds. And I have done absolutely nothing about it. I KNOW I can do it, that's not the issue anymore, but I really, REALLY like food. Real food. Food that doesn't have to be counted, measured, weighed, or written down. I think part of my issue is that I'm NOT gaining any weight. I know. Why the HELL am I complaining!? I'm not, TRUST me. I'm simply stating. I have been up and down the same 1/2lb for over a week. Day after day. And I think I am mentally trying to push the envelope to see just how far I can go before the scale makes a jump. I know, I'm sick. I KNOW I need to count calories. I KNOW. I just hate it. And I really REALLY love food. Dammit.

92 days down...88 to go!

Day 91: Cleaning out my closet

Today I went shopping for new clothes! The best part was, all the clothes were FREE, and the location was within walking distance! It's a little place I like to call "the second bedroom". (you have to admit, that's a pretty good name for a clothing store since MOST women I know have a 2nd bedroom (or closet, garage, basement, etc) of alternate wardrobes...) So yes, the second bedroom. I went in there to get random stuff to bring to Goodwill. I started with the closet, looking in boxes, and bags that I haven't looked in in a year. I found a few things to get rid of, so I moved on. Next was the dresser. I had no idea what I was going to find in there, but something told me to check the drawers for clothes to get rid of. Well! It was like Christmas morning!!!!!! Work pants GALORE. In sizes that actually NEED to be buttoned and zipped, but better yet, CAN be buttoned and zipped! I was SO relieved to find this stuff because a) I am sick and tired of having to safety pin my pants everyday and 2) because the pants are 2 sizes smaller than the ones I have been safety pinning!!!!!!

Now I have 2 completely empty drawers just waiting to be filled...... :) Sadly, I will be filling them with all the pants I have been currently wearing... I KNOW I should get rid of them so I can "never be that size again" but realistically...................... anyway...... that's what will go in those drawers. But tomorrow, I wear the NEW old pants to work! And Friday? My NEW NEW American Eagle size freaking 12 (I found AE 14's in the drawer too... HA!) jeans!

91 days down...89 to go! (I'm on the 2nd half!)

Day 90: 3 more months!

I can't even believe that in 3 months from today I will be walking down the aisle, and by this time, I will be a MRS!!!!!! I know I know... everyone said the engagement would go by fast. I thought they were all liars. They weren't. And now here we are 3 months until be the big day and i still have a shit ton to do! Is anyone a wedding planner? Personal consultant? Personal trainer? Want to work for free? Didn't think so..... 3 months!!!!!!
Ok, ok, I'm beating around the bush... anyone who reads my blog regularly, or at least read it last night knows that today is the day that I tried on my wedding dress. Before I tell you how the fitting went, (and those of you who are my friends on FB, don't ruin it!)let me again recap how it went in September..... picture it...... the end of my engagement party..... me, upstairs with family, future family, and friends. "ooooooo! Let's see the dress! OOOOOOOOOOO! Put it on!!!!!!!" (me~ struggle, struggle, grunt, sweat, grunt, squeeze, suck it in, no breathing) "Oh. um. nice. or something. um. I don't QUITE remember it doing THAT when you bought it. Hm. Let me just adjust.... uh never mind. Let's loosen it a bit shall we? Oh. Iit IS loosened. Great. Well. Then. Um. Maybe if we just..... no? Ok. Well. Hm. Don't freak out or anything, but perhaps, and this is just a SUGGESTION of course, um, but PERHAPS you need to start eating just yogurt again for lunch and counting calories again.... liiiiiike yesterday. Perhaps. Or something....................." So yeah. That's pretty much how it went. Not a pretty memory. Today, standing in the same room as I had been in September, but this time 22lbs lighter, I held my breath. The dress emerged from the closet. It looked a looooooot smaller than I remembered. Just me and my future aunt this time. 30 seconds later (after finding my way through the maze of crinoline) I emerged unscathed through the neck hole. "Go ahead and tighten it!" I happily called. "I already did!!!!!!" was the reply! WOOOHOOOOO! We cheered. And screamed. And hugged. And screamed some more. Poor John was downstairs wondering if these were screams of joy or screams of agony. We assured him that all was well. After more hugging, a bit of twirling, and a few pictures, I said goodbye to my beauty. I haven't stopped smiling since.

I won't get into everything that I ate today.... but let's just say that I think I found my horse.... and it may have inadvertantly gotten deep fried somewhere along the way...... I think I need a new one. Monday. It's happening. Despite my victory today, I know I still have 8 lbs to go (probably more like 11-12 after today.....) and I need to tighten my abs and tone my arms. I may be 1/2 way done, but I still have a ways to go!!!!!

90 days down.... 90 days to go!!!!!!!

Day 89: Like I'm going to the chair....

Yup. That's what I've been eating like. It's my last few hours on earth, and soon I will be heading to the chair. Good. ness. As I said yesterday, I don't really know what my issue is. Maybe its the fact that I THINK I am skinnier now than I was when I bought my dress? Maybe because I'm so happy I'm wearing 12s? I dunno.... whatever it is, I'm out of control. Tomorrow is the day I try on my dress for the first time since Sept. September when I was "politely" told that perhaps I should go back to having yogurt for lunch. And perhaps I needed to start working out again. It still wasn't until January (after gaining MORE weight that I finally decided that it was time to do something about it..... and now after months of hard work, after losing 22.5lbs (according to naked scale of course), after getting in to pants I haven't worn in YEARS, I can't stop eating real food. I'm TERRIFIED about putting on my dress tomorrow...... I KNOW it will fit me better than Sept... and I THINK I weigh less now than last June when I bought it.... but I'm still worried. Perhaps I need it to be tight so i will go back to counting calories and working out. But damn that's going to really suck if I still look like 20lbs of shit in a 10lb bag..... I'm shooting for only 13.5.....
89 days down...91 to go!
aaaaaaaaaaaaaand holy crap.... I just realized that I'm trying on my dress tomorrow which will be 90 days down, 90 days to go! The 1/2 way point! AND it will be the 9th!!!!!!!! Which means exactly 3 months to go!!!!!  Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand now I'm even more stressed out!

Day 88: I'm too sexy for my pants

Have you ever noticed how often I discuss my pants? They are either leaving a red ring of death (which thankfully hasn't happened in a while!), able to pulled off without unzipping or unbuttoning, zippers falling, or new ones entering my closet. Today, I experienced 3 of the 4. Thankfully the good 3. Today I went back to American Eagle to see if the pants I ultimately wanted were on sale yet. They were!!!! YAY! And then the guy said they are being clearanced out! NOOO! But then he reminded me that they were were cheaper AND I could use my coupon! YAY! But then they didn't have my size! NOOO!  But I am wearing a 12!!!! A 12!!!!!!!!! YAY! But I still needed a regular length and all they had was long or short! NOOO! But then I realized that I am shorter than I thought and the "short" length would work fine as long as I don't put them in the dryer! YAY!
So all in all it was a good trip. I actually bought 2 pairs of the same size (12! A FREAKING 12!!!) and style so I have a backup pair. That may have been a little unnecessary, but I have to take precautions in case the jeans really don't come back as "new and improved" in August like I was promised. PROMISED. You know what that means.... it surely wont happen. Ever. SO now I have a backup pair. As long as I stay the same size. God willing. They are still a BIT snug, but I know that going up a size will only lead to "doody (doodie?) butt" within an hour of wearing them, and well, that isn't cute at any age. Especially not this one.

Saturday is the day I try on my wedding dress for the first time since Sept. I'm scared. Part of my issue is that I know I weigh less now than I did when I bought it (yay!) but I don't know if I have done enough. And part of my (ok all of me) really likes eating real food, and right now it is SO easy to say "oh well I weigh less now than I did when I bought it so I can stop doing calories." The other part of me just KNOWS that 20lbs isn't enough, and I have to get to 30..................... Ugh. I wonder which side will win? Angel food cake? or Devil's food cake? Wait.... I mean, ANGEL or DEVIL. dammit.....

88 days down... 92 to go!

Day I have no idea (87 I figured out): Excuses are like @$$holes....

Everyone has them, and they all STINK. Here is a list of excuses as to why  I haven't blogged:
1. I was in Florida
2. I was staying up WAY too late when I was in Florida
3. I was having too much fun with my nephew in Florida to care about blogging
4. I was oddly ill the day I came home from Florida to the point that I didn't think I would be able to get on the plane.... but I made it.
5. When I got home from Florida on Sunday, I slept. Almost the entire day.
6. Monday I was lazy. And still on EC time.  Yup, that's it.
7. Tuesday I was INSANELY busy as my (awesome!) kids choir at school sang the national anthem at a Rockies game!

And here we finally are today. Since my last blog many many days ago, I have eaten approximately everything. And no I don't think I'm exaggerating. Although I wish I was. Today for example, I went to dinner with John and my soon-to-be father in law. We went to a local brew pub with local brew pup fare. After scouring the menu, I found what seemed to be the PERFECT Lisa meal- grilled cheese AND a blt... TOGETHER. ON. ONE. SANDWICH. Other than the fact that I knew that this monstrosity would be approximately 48658756438 calories, nothing prepared me for what was brought out of the kitchen. In fact, when it was placed before me, I didn't even recognize what it was as compared to the description on the menu. It was in fact grilled cheese and a blt together.... however, it was an entire grilled cheese sandwich and then placed gingerly on top was an entire slab of bacon. Not. kidding. I wish I had the forethought to take a picture of it before dismantling it to attempt to eat it. Never in my entire life have I EVER seen so much bacon in one place. Unless you count the grocery store. Or a petting zoo. Which I don't. And the best part? I ate it all! I'm totally kidding. Yes, I am. I have proof of 1/2 the bohemith in my fridge. Not to mention the 70% of bacon that I put on John's plate. Because CLEARLY he's not counting calories this week either. It is seriously time for me to get back on the horse.... if I could just find the damn horse.........
87 days down...93 days to go!