Now ya done pissed off mama bear...

I 'm mad.
Scratch that.
I'm downright PISSED OFF.

Yesterday, I attended a march. A rally. My very first vocally supported cause. I wasn't sure I wanted to. I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know if we'd even be safe. But I went. As a friend. As a support. As a teacher. As a human being. And it was AMAZING. 50,000+ people packed into a park over 3,000 miles away from the most recent school shooting. Strangers. Adults. Students. CHILDREN. We rallied together. We marched.

We chanted words of PEACE. We were a unanimous chorus of voices. People stood on the sidelines and cheered us on. Children excited the crowds. (Even Girl Scout cookies were purchased!) And we marched.

Other than 1 (literally 1) lowly "protester" with his "Dont tread on me" flag and "you won't take MY guns" sign who walked about 300 feet behind the last marcher, there was no one there against us. No one yelling words of opposition. "What is there to oppose?" I said to my friends. "Who could be against LIVING?!"

And then I went home...

Once home, I was first met with pictures and videos posted by my friends around the country and the marches they attended. I watched speeches from other rallies and felt a sense of PRIDE. These kids,  some as young as 9 years old were poised, and eloquent, and beautiful in front of these HUGE crowds sharing a message of peace. My eyes welled up with tears when I thought for a moment that this, THIS was the day that would start the change. THIS was the day that would light the fire. THIS was the day that would go down in history as the day that the world started to become a better place for our children, and their children.

And then I kept reading. After all the beauty and the power of the day, I was met by the "keyboard warriors" spouting rhetoric of hate on public pages. So much anger toward children. People screaming in fear about having their guns and gun rights stripped away because some "dumb kids" thought it should happen. When was that brought up exactly? When was it stated that law abiding citizens who obtain weapons legally were going to have teams of people invade their homes and take away all their guns?! The only message that I heard, one that I think was shared throughout the country was stricter laws about obtaining weapons in the future. "Crazy" things like longer waiting periods to purchase weapons to help deter crimes of passion and training on the proper use of these weapons. Laws such as reevaluation of people once they have weapons to ensure that they aren't now that a danger to themselves or others. The opportunity for weapons to be removed IF someone is deemed a danger to themselves or others. Where is the problem!? How is trying to make things SAFER for EVERYONE a problem? And when did it become acceptable for grown adults to mock and threaten children who have an idea?!
Now I was angry.

But it didn't stop there. I figured getting off public forums and returning to the safe haven of my own friends list was a much better place to be. Back to the pictures and videos of peace. But I was wrong. I quickly discovered how many of my "friends" were saying the same types of things that I was reading on the public pages. People I KNOW. People I grew up with. People with CHILDREN. How was it possible that I was reading words of fear and concern for weapons, but not fear and concern for HUMAN LIFE?! Saying things like these students, students who have been through hell, shouldn't be  allowed to speak!? Shouldn't have a say in the matter!? Shouldn't be "spouting the agenda of "snowflakes?!", and being compared to NAZIS!? Children. Children who are sick of burying their friends. Children who would like to feel safe in school. Children who are asking and PLEADING for help from adults. These are the children who are being compared to Nazis. Children Who are getting HITLER mustaches drawn on their pictures. Having their images photoshopped to look like they are tearing documents in half and being called disgusting names. Children. Throwing an entire generation  under a bus for the stupid actions of some.
And now I'm pissed.

This WILL be a time of change. This WILL be the turning point. Because it has to be...

Never Ending Story....

Well.... here I am, back again. You already know what that means. I know I am not the only person in the world who struggles with weight loss, but it is still so discouraging to see how many times I have restarted this blog (and restarted a diet). This time I really have no motivation. And I really should. I mean I REALLY, REALLY should. Here's a little recap of what you have missed in the last year plus since I have written....
1) It's no secret that I am fat. Yes, fat. Not big boned. Not "pleasantly plump". FAT.  No, you don't need to roll your eyes and giggle and say I'm not. I am. I have accepted that description.
2) It's also not really a secret that I want to have a baby. What you may not know is that I had a miscarriage in November. Now, everyone will tell you that it's not your fault, and that there was nothing that you could do, and it was all in God's plan or whatever. In my head, I did this. Somehow. Even if its not true. I am very much aware that being FAT can increase risk of miscarriage. I also know that not doing anything about it, can lead to more complications later on. Yet, here I sit.

Even with all that, I haven't done anything about it. In fact, as heavy as I was in November, I have actually gained weight since. And not just a pound or two. More like, "I have 3 pairs of pants left that fit me, and when I went shopping the other day and the next size up wouldn't zip and I walked out of the store so I didn't cry, but instead I went home and ate <shocker> kind of weight gain". But I digress.

I decided that other day that maybe I am approaching this all wrong. I'm a teacher. I know how to get kids to do things that they don't necessarily want to do. I know how to motivate. I bribe them. That's right. Bribe. And ask any teacher in the world and they will agree. Now, don't go thinking I am some evil entity. I'm all for intrinsic motivation, but I'm also a realist. When I want the kids to pick up the trillion pieces of scrap paper on the floor, I have "mystery trash" and whoever finds it gets a classroom dollar. When I want to make sure that they are on their best behavior in public, I have a competition about who can be the quietest in line. Don't judge me. Point being, if I can use that tactic with 8 year olds, then maybe I can bribe myself. Maybe I can set levels for myself and earn "prizes" for reaching them so the overall task doesn't seem so daunting. Maybe I can actually motivate myself to get up, work out, and do something about what I have become. Then again, maybe I will just eat a chocolate donut and try again tomorrow. We shall see....
Thanks for reading, and welcome back to The Never Ending Story....

yum and more yum!

So, today I tried not one, but TWO amazing low calorie recipe, and I MUST share them with you IMMEDIATELY. Trust me, if you like cheese and/or dessert, you should read on. If not, then you aren't human anyway. So here are the super simple recipes for two amazing LOW CALORIE foods that you must make NOW!!!!!

One more preface.... one is stolen in part from Hungry Girl, so I will link her recipe too, (although I didn't enjoy it nearly as much as my modified recipe) I will also say that she kind of annoys me for some reason, so I am always damn determined to make her recipes better and/or lower calorie. Success.
Recipe #1: Mac & Cheese
Ingredients: 
2 oz Ronzoni Smart Taste penne pasta (if you haven't already discovered this pasta, you should! 170 calories for real non whole wheaty tasting pasta vs 210 for other pasta)
1 wedge of Laughing Cow cheese (choose your flavor- I used tomato & basil because it's what I had)
1 slice of 2% Kraft American or Cheddar cheese
1 tbsp low fat sour cream 
1/8 cup panko breadcrumbs (I use Kikoman because it has the lowest amount of calories) 
Directions: Microwave cheese for 30 seconds. Stir. Microwave for another 30 seconds. Pour on cooked pasta. (Yeah its that easy) To fancy it up, top the mac & cheese with panko and toast for 10 minutes in the oven. (totally worth it) Add some crumbled turkey bacon for a little extra.
total calories (without bacon): 268
HG recipe: http://www.hungry-girl.com/show/edible-idols-bacon-and-peanut-butter-blt-rific-mac-n-cheese-recipe

...and now for the BEST. recipe. ever.
Recipe #2: Chocolate cupcakes with chocolate frosting
Ingredients:
Pillsbury sugar free Devil's Food cake mix 
4 egg whites 
1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce
1 1/4 cup water (according to box directions) 
1 can Pillsbury whipped chocolate frosting
Directions:
(I can't stress this part enough) Put the applesauce in a blender or other blending device until it no longer looks like applesauce, but has more of an oil consistency. (aka: puree it).  Mix cake mix, pureed applesauce, and egg whites together. Bake for 20 minutes. Makes 24 cupcakes. 65 calories each. Seriously.
Top with 1 tbsp of frosting for an added 45 calories (again, totally worth it.)
total calories: 110. Seriously. And DELICIOUS. Not "diety" or sugar-free tasting, or applesaucey AT ALL.

So when I say go do it people, I mean it. You will thank me later!

week 5 in all it's "gory"

So here we are... week 5 weigh in. The mid-point of the Biggest Loser games. I thought I would be down AT LEAST 10lbs by now, but thanks to 2 weeks of increase, and baaaaaaaaasically eating whatever I wanted on date day on Saturday, I'm not.

The week itself was a continued struggle as always, but if I thought I was ready for anything, I was sadly mistaken. Enter "the trainer". John had 2 personal training sessions included with his new gym membership. It was recommend that he should meet with "the best". The "guy who is poised to take over soon" etc. It showed. He had him doing things that he probably hadn't done since high school. He came home exhausted, but excited. I couldn't wait for my turn. Ok, so I COULD wait. I was terrified that he was going to leave me as a whimpering puddle of pain in the middle of the gym floor. Finally, Friday arrived. I was told to eat extra calories to prepare myself for the awesome hell that was before me. The trainer said we would start with "a few" questions, and then he would show me some examples of what the sessions would look like if I chose to purchase training (for the low, low price of $1600 mind you................). I painfully answered what my weight was but was very proud to announce that I "already lost 9 pounds!" I realize in hindsight that my words probably sounded very similar to Ralph Wiggam's "I'm a unitard!" and I felt like my 4th graders telling a random fact in the middle of reading group. He looked at me pathetically. He tested me body fat, and his eyes widened. Yes. Widened. He then proceeded to tell me that A) I am obese. B) my body fat is 20% higher than "ideal" for my height  C) I need to lose 35lbs MORE beyond the (whopping) 9 that I have already done. and finally, D) That "normally" it should take about 30 weeks to do that, but in "my case" it will probably take about 50.....Well nothing makes a girl want to run out into traffic faster. He decided that it might be better instead of actually working out, that he should determine my fitness level instead. He also (oh so delicately.....) informed me that EVERYTHING I am currently doing is wrong. That the kickboxing class that I was SO proud of completing is "way beyond me". That the machines that the gym is FULL OF "do nothing". That the reason I always gain my weight back is because I focus too much on cardio, and of course, not the correct kind, or amount of it. EVERYTHING. From that point on, he treated me like I was a 99 year old woman. Pitying looks. Sad little "you can do its" and "oh don't worry about its" throughout the rest of the session. I'm pretty sure he even gave John a sideways "I'm so sorry that you have to deal with THIS every day of your life man" look. But that could be my imagination. Although I don't think so.

The moral of the story is, I went home and cried. And sulked. And ate. I'm pretty sure we can cross him off the list for motivational speaker of the year.....

Water for Elephant

So here we are, week 4. I've decided that I'm not going to update you on the daily ins and outs of my life because A) who cares? and 2) my day to day is pretty much the same always. Instead, I will write once a week at least, more if something thrilling and exciting happens....but don't count on it.

So, good news since I last wrote.... I am FINALLY down a little bit! Hallelujah! I was beginning to think that maybe it wasn't ME that was the problem, but the scale that was for some reason stuck. Yeah,that must have been the problem. Don't remind me how illogical that is since my husband was weighing in and HIS weight was not the same as mine, and was changing. I like my story, so I'm sticking to it! Anyway, now that the scale is fixed, it's finally giving me different results. I think I finally figured out the secret. Water. Yup, the Colorado "Windex" if you will. The cure all for all that ails 'ya strikes again. I knew that I probably wasn't drinking enough in the first place, so I decided (with a SMALL amount of suggestion from my husband...............) that I should increase my daily water intake. Wouldn't you know it, he was right. (don't get used to it baby ;) ) Since I upped my ounces, the weight is starting to come off again. Combine that with the 200+ crunches a day, and varying my workouts, not to mention 15 trips to the bathroom a day, and I think I am really on to something!!!!

Now I am left with the theory that its ONLY water weight that I'm losing, and not real weight. Does this mean that if I decrease my water, I will start gaining again? Am I really just an overgrown water balloon with a small pin-hole leak? I would like to think it's more than that. I am currently 1lb from my first goal- 10 lbs, and I am hoping its really not 10lbs of water. It doesn't seem like much, especially in 5 weeks time, but its a start. My next is 20lbs by Vegas. I have 5 more weeks for that to happen. We shall see......

Keep the comments, encouragements, and suggestions coming! I love reading what you guys have to say!

Oh, and Dana M, and Denise W... you guys are my heroes!

week 3 and the tale of why I've been so quiet

It's hard to sit down every day and be witty and funny (at least that's what I try to do) when you feel like crap. No, crap doesn't really describe it; more like an old deflated balloon. I feel like no matter what I do this time I can't seem to lose weight. I mean, I could literaly copy and paste my blog from last week and that would sum up my week again. Still counting calories. Still weighing my food. Still working out, and changing my workouts (just like I was told) a few times a week. And still gaining weight. It just doesn't make any sense. Thankfully it's not a huge amount of weight, but when all you want to see is the numbers go down, the last thing you want to see week after freaking week is the numbers slowly creeping up.

Yesterday I actually felt pretty good. It was the first day all week the scale finally broke my plateau number. My pants even felt baggy! I just KNEW that when I got on the scale this morning for the official weigh in that I would be ok..... until I got on the scale this morning and not only was I back up a whole pound from yesterday, but I am another 0.2lbs up from last week's weigh in (those of you keeping score... this is 2 weeks in a row of being up 0.2lbs from the week before.) I just don't get it. My poor husband is getting the worst of it. Every morning I jump out of bed just SURE that today will be a good weigh in. And every morning I crawl back into bed with tears streaming down my face about what a loser (and not in a good way...) I am. I'm sick of the cycle. Of course, I know I should do something about it. So this morning I did. I ate McDonalds. Now I know that isn't going to help matters what-so-ever. And I'm sure that when I get on the scale tomorrow morning I'm going to feel even worse about my decision. In fact, what I thought would heal my wounded heart this morning (since food makes everything oh so much better.........) is making me feel worse now. Let's just hope that this ridiculous amount of calories at 7 in the morning will actually jump start my metabolism.................. or something...............

Sigh. Anyone else feel this way??? Or am I the only one thinking of chopping off a limb just to see a lower number on the scale?!?!?! Yeah... I feared as much........

Operation: W.T.F

That's right... WTF? Those of you who know me, or at least followed this blog last year know that I may whine and complain and bitch... and complain.... and bellyache....about working out and/or dieting. And you also probably aready know that it takes me FOREVER to get motivated, but once I do, I'm like a bullet train, full steam ahead (yes, I KNOW bullet trains don't use steam... at least I don't think so.... but it's an analogy people... work with me!) and nothing will stop me. I start weighing out food, working out religiously, and start steadily dropping pounds. This time? Not-so-much........

After my kick-ass first week weigh in, I was feeling pretty damn proud of myself. I was in 1st place in one game, 2nd in another, and we won the couple challenge. I continued what I had been doing- counting calories, weighing food, and even started back up at the gym. The day after the weigh in, I was UP 1.5lbs. What?! Ok.... deep breathing...... I "dealt" with it. But don't ask my husband about it.... he will deny any "dealing with it"of any sort...... the weight slowly crept back down. Week 2 weigh in..... UP 0.2lbs from week 1. Ok..... BREATHE. I went back and read my blog from week 2 last year. I weighed in at 0.00% difference in week 2. I can handle this.... since then (Tuesday), I was UP another 0.2lbs Wednesday and ANOTHER 0.2lbs Today. W.T.F.

I haven't had a single cheat day, even though I thought at like 2 or 3 times I surely would.... I have worked out every other day (even adding a bonus Biggest Loser ass kicking last night (and yes Melissa, as promised, my ass HURTS!)) and yet, still, UP 0.6lbs since the week 1. Doesn't my body understand that continuing to do this is going to QUICKLY end my motivation!? Doesn't it realize that cash and prizes only goes so far, and if I keep this up, everyone will continue whizzing by me and there will be nothing I can do about it!? Isn't it in cohoots with my pants, when they are squeezing the life out of it, trying to hold the button steady until I can get to the privacy of my own home and take a deep breath again!? DOESN'T IT GET IT!? Apparently not. WTF.

Day 1 and 2ish

It makes me sick to know that I am back at day 1 again. How did I let this happen?! How did I not stop this?! Of course I can give you a million excuses and reasons, but you know what they say about excuses... At the end of the day, the reason is me (as much as I would love to blame someone or something else).

Day 1 came and went without too much excitement. I did my initial weigh in for 2 games, and emailed a picture to the group from my old school. Ten proceeded to want to run into traffic. What a number. I know that I officially lost 25lbs last year... And gained back 26. How freaking depressing. I also found out that a few of the girls at my new school (girls that I would KILL to like any day of the week!!!) are doing some extreme dieting tactics. I pass no judgement on their choices, but I feel like I have already lost the game. I mean really. How in the hell can I compete with regimented programs, pills, drops, and 500 calories a day?! I know, I know, I should care about the weight loss. I know, I freaking KNOW that I shouldn't compare myself with others and do this for me, and not worry about winning and all that bull, but really, if I could do that, I wouldn't be in this position in the first flipping place!!! So here I am, feeling like I have already lost before I even start.

To make matters worse, we figured out today that the scale at school is off. By a lot. Like 5-20 lbs off according to some people.... That means waiting ANOTHER day to start, when I already started. Sigh. The terrible drive this morning should have given me the indication that this was going to turn out to be a crappy day... But the real realization wasn't until mid morning when I saw my underwear was on inside out and I didn't even notice.... I officially have too much junk in this trunk.

What's My Motivation?

Does anyone remember those commercials from a while back where the prima donna actor can’t say his lines correctly, and everyone is on his back about it, and finally he says “what’s my motivation?” No? Well trust me, that’s how it went, and that’s how I feel. I know what I need to do, and I even know what it should look like, but really, what’s my motivation?

Since I don’t have a wedding dress to fit into in 7 months (unless I just awkwardly and randomly wearing it for daily events,,, food shopping? Wedding dress. Getting gas? Wedding dress. Ok probably not…) I needed something else to get me off the couch. What I’ve learned this week is, when I’m not motivated by a wedding dress, I’m motivated by cash and prizes. (and I don’t want the “thanks for playing, and as a lovely parting gift you get the home version of the game”)  I’m not only participating in one or even two Biggest Loser games, but THREE.  If that thought of losing to EVERYONE doesn’t get me up, than nothing will…. I was able to convince 5 or 6 girls at work to participate, so that’s at least  $50 on the line. Then, a few girls who I worked with last year suggested that I should play with them again long distance. What that means is that I will have to weigh in weekly at home and take pictures of the  numbers on the scale and send them…… knowing that all those people will see the specific numbers makes me want to vomit. Which may help the numbers on the scale actually…. Hmmmmmm. Kidding kidding, I will NEVER go that far. Anyway, I don’t know how many people are playing there, but that will be another good chunk of change on the line. The THIRD game, is between my friends and us. We are playing for something Vegasy since we are all going for spring break in March. We are still debating if it will be couple vs couple, boys vs girls, or every man for themselves. Either way, game on. My aunt actually (jokingly?) texted me this morning saying we should do a cross country version too… but I think 4 games might just be pushing it….  

Today we did the first diet grocery shopping. That is something I didn’t miss. Reading every single label. Debating between 2/3 cup of small pasta vs ¾ cup of larger pasta. Ridiculous. I’m already dreading what lies ahead for me… days of being hungry…counting every single morsel of food I put in my mouth...seeing what 150 calories of snack mix REALLY looks like... working out again and feeling the familiar burn when trying to walk. Or go up stairs. Or God forbid, sit. Goodbye chunky butt- hello burning thighs…..

The Great Meltdown of 2012....

Well, it's happened... I made it 6 days into the new year before I FREAKED OUT. I did the absolute worst thing a person who doesn't feel well, who is PMSing, who is tired, who is already VERY aware that clothes are not fitting can do.... I weighed myself. <dun, dun, dunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn> I found that not only have I gained every. last. everloving. pound. back, but I am actually above where I was a year ago at this time. Awesome. I took a deep breath and dealt with that, and continued getting ready for the day- the "baggy" sweater that is notsomuch baggy..... the unjean jeans which have been getting increasingly tighter since I bought them (weird....) and boots. Boots. Innocent boots. Until I put them on. I couldn't zip them up. WHAT!? Who can't zip up BOOTS!??!!? Me. That's who.
Well, thats it. The freaking boots pushed me over the edge. The tears started flowing. The hyperventilation began. The hysterics insued. Please keep in mind that this was at 7:30 in the morning and I was trying to leave to get to work! It is NOT cute when your husband has to zip up your boots for you, while you stand in all kinds of awkward positions trying to make your calves look skinny. There isn't a magic "suck it in" for your legs.........The worst part was after all that, I realized that I had nothing to take for lunch other than a yogurt and a 100 calorie pack, and I had NOTHING in the house for breakfast, so I ended up at McDonald's anyway! What I sight I must have been with my fat rolls, tight pants, boots partly zipped up, and tears streaming down my face.............a hot mess.
As soon as I got to school, I emailed the staff telling them that I am starting Biggest Loser... then I proceeded to give daggers at the backs of all my skinny coworkers as they walked down the hallway. Bitches. Skinny bitches. (ok that was harsh I know..... they aren't bitches at all. Just skinny. So I hate them today.) Sadly, the only person to respond to my invitation so far is a very sweet pregant girl who said that while this is a great idea, she won't be able to participate this year. Ha. We'll see what kind of response I get.... so far, I am going to be the Bigger Loser even if I gain 10lbs......

Is a Cheetah print Snuggie a fashion statement?

So..... I woke up this morning with a renewed sense of energy, will, heart, and readiness to start back on calories, and head back to the gym.... and a cold. A gross, everything hurts, don't look at me sideways cold. Not that that is any excuse really, but I'm making it an excuse. I dragged my stuffy self to my closet knowing that thankfully my no muss, no fuss, no ironing required EVER, stretchy work pants would be a perfect choice for today since I was already running behind, and not quite ready to face the first day back with kids. Well. the pants that I'm pretty damn sure fit me fine before break are now tight. Tight?! STRETCHY PANTS!? I have officially sunk to a new low.... Where does one go from stretchy pants?! I mean, I have long since put away the new cute skirts, and pants that I was wearing in May... the next size up came back out from the "fat closet" around September.... and were put back away by November when I  had to buy pants in the "I'm never going to be that size again so I'm going to get rid of ALL this grotesque clothes" size and THAT didn't stop me. But now, stretchy pants!? HOW DOTH THOU FORSAKE ME!? Thankfully, to shake the terrible feeling, I wallowed in greasy, salty, fatty, foods all day and night. I even suggested dessert, and my friends and I had to make a special stop for it! Even now, as I write this, I am shoveling animal crackers into my pie hole like a 3 year old trying to erase the feeling of the stretchy pants stretching until the last stretchy fiber could almost bear it no more... What will the future hold for me at this point? Moomoos? Tents? Car covers? All sound so terribly intriguing and exciting.... I guess we shall wait and see, but if anyone sees a sickly fat lady in the aisles of Walmart wearing seemingly nothing more than a cheetah print Snuggie, it's probably me....

Guess Who's Back... Back Again...

FATTY'S BACK! Tell a friend!

Just about a year ago, I started this blog chronicling my journey about losing weight, and the daily struggle of (wo)man vs. food. Ultimately, at the end of that journey, I won... sort of... Let's recap: It took about 6 months, but I lost 25lbs. I never quite got down to my goal number, but the wedding dress fit and I looked awesome (if I do say so myself! HA!). The wedding was amazing despite the monsoon, and people getting lost, and most of our picture spots getting closed down due to the weather. Then, about ooooooooh an hour into the wedding reception I started eating everything on the Italian buffet... then the all inclusive food and drinks on the honeymoon.... and then everything from Cancun to Denver and every suburb in between that wasn't nailed down. We bought a house, both started new jobs, had a Halloween party, and hosted our first Christmas Day family dinner. Combine that with stress, stress, and oh yeah STRESS, and that brings us to today. A year after the journey began, and about 6 months since the wedding. And right back to where I started and maybe even HEAVIER then I was in January 2011. Well isn't that special.....

Yup. Welcome to Groundhog's Day.
Yup. Welcome to Groundhog's Day.... wait.....

Last week, my husband suggested (ever so gently) that WE need to return to the gym, and WE need to get back on calories, and then WE (I) had a meltdown. Yes, very similar to the great trainer breakdown of '11. Since then, I have done nothing but wallow in self-pity, self-doubt, chocolate, fried foods, random snackage, and fat jeans. As I write this, the first wave of 100 calorie packs have emerged in the kitchen.... I know where things are going from here. I know where things need to go from here. I don't wanna. You can't make me. Ok, probably not true.

I don't know what this blog will truly be about- weight loss? weight gain? teaching life? married life? the fact that my husband indeed got jalapeno juice in his eye and had to wash it out with milk? probably all of the above. Stay tuned ladies and gentleman- its going to be a fLabulous and bumpy ride!

Thank you...

Thank you to everyone who read this blog, who got me through trials and tribulations, who listened to me whine, who talked me off the ledge when I needed it. I stopped writing because I felt like I had nothing more to say. I stopped working out. I stopped counting calories. I just stopped. Now here I am 2 1/2 weeks from the wedding... I never reached my final goal, and I can't seem to stay focused long enough to lose the last few pounds. Things I need to remember however is 1) I worked really hard and ultimately lost 25lbs. 2) the dress fits 3) John loves me for who I am, not who I could be, or who I wish I was, or who I strive to be. Me. Just me. And through all this, he always has. And to me that is the most important part of this entire journey. Yes, I am happy with what I was able to accomplish. No, I am not happy that I couldn't make it to my "walk down the aisle weight". But yes, I am so happy and so excited that in a few short weeks, I will be marrying the man I love. Thank you everyone for taking this crazy journey with me!
lots of days down... 17 days to go!

A Different Kind of Blog...

I know I have been absent from writing, but I just feel like I have nothing to say. I am still not doing what I promised, and I can't seem to push myself to finish what I started. Surprise, surprise. I am working steadily on small details so that everything is as perfect as can be for the big day. I have been working a lot on the outside, but today I need to work on the inside. Today's post is very real, very raw, and very much needs to be written so I can truly move forward. Read if you wish, ignore if you would like, judge if you must.

Dear You,
First of all, let me say thank you. Thank you for missing birthdays, and holidays, births, and deaths, and everything in between. Thank you for casting me, and everyone else in your wake aside. Thank you for being everything you said you would be... to everyone else in your life, as long as it wasn't the people who should truly matter. Don't bother trying to step up now, the damage has already been done, and it's way too late for "forgiveness".  We all feel this way so don't bother to try to manipulate others to do your bidding. It won't work. We're all smarter than that, and you really wouldn't have it any other way. Please don't dote on us to strangers, and have pictures of us out in public. I doubt you do, but just in case, don't bother. It's all a lie and everyone can see through your facade. I'm no longer angry, or even hurt. I'm annoyed. I'm annoyed that you couldn't bother. After all this time, you still couldn't bother. You have a new life now. Maybe it's a good one, maybe it's miserable- I have no idea either way. You have shut us all out. I predict that maybe one day, MAYBE you will think back with regret. Maybe you will consider trying to make amends. Maybe you will think that the life you threw away is actually more important, or at least just as important as the life you chose. Again, you won't. That would mean admitting you were wrong. That would mean you would have to stop blaming others, and stop forcing others to feel the need to take the blame. That would mean that your tightly woven web of manipulation would be unraveling. And you will never let anyone see that. Of this I am sure.  I am here to tell you that I am done. I am done taking the blame. I am done feeling backed into a corner. And most importantly, I am done being damaged. That's right. I have moved on.  I am about to marry the man I love, and I will no longer look back on what was before. I am only looking forward, looking ahead to my future. I will no longer be hurt by you. I will no longer be belittled by you. I will no longer feel like I have been tossed aside like yesterday's garbage by you. It's over. I'm done. It's takes two to tango and I am tired of being the one dancing alone. Have a good life, or don't. Either way, you will never be a part of mine again.

Day 109: What a Reject

*Note, this is TECHNICALLY being written on Friday, however it is very much Thursday's blog. I will (possibly) write again today for today's blog.... just go with it....

I'm a reject. It's official. It's not really a NEW realization, but one that hurts just as much as if it was (were?). Today I felt like I was 6 years old again, and my next door neighbor who I THOUGHT was my friend stepped out into the middle of our cul-de-sac while I was riding my bike, and LOUDLY chanted "I'm having a birthday party and you're not inviteeeeeeeeeeed!" It was painful as a 6 year old, and I have to admit, it was just about as painful last night when I realized that I am still not one of the cool kids. Now, it doesn't really matter what the event was, but the fact that I knew about it, was told I would be invited, and I would get more information later, and then never heard a single word about it again until I saw the posts about it reminding me that I was CLEARLY never really invited.... yeah.... that felt good. As I said, I have never been part of the cool kids club. I was never invited to parties in high school, or even college for that matter. I'm always the DD, even now,  because it's always just assumed that I wouldn't be drinking anyway (aka: party pooper). The list goes on, but I don't want to throw myself a pity party (I probably wouldn't be invited to that one anyway.... kidding....). I have normally been ok with not being part of the "in" crowd, because I have always had a small group of really close friends around me. There I was always part of the club, and always (usually) felt wanted. I realized last night that even this group is dwindling. I guess that's my fault too since I "chose to move" (aka: became the evil spawn of satan for wanting a change in my life) I am very grateful for the friends that I have in my life, but I wish that I was closer with some of them... especially the ones who are far. I even decided this morning that I was done blogging. I was done sharing my thoughts and feelings with people who don't really care. I have realized that most of my friends aren't even reading this! Then I decided, who cares!? Let strangers read it! Let people who used to be my friends, that I am pretty damn sure are reading this, read it! Let my family and future family read it! Let my co-workers read it! I have always been an open book, so why should I stop now? My struggle with weight loss has ALWAYS been public, so why not share it with the world?
And what does all this have to do with operation wedding dress? Not a damn thing. Unless you count the rest of the bag of Doritos I finished last night as I moped around the house. Or the full McDonald's breakfast that I scarfed down this morning because I was still in a crappy mood over this stupidity. Yeah, I guess you can count that.....
109 days down...72 to go!
PS- I love you John. Thank you for being my best friend.

Day 107: Who is Will and why does he have so much Power?

Whoever he is, he is no friend of mine. In fact, I am pretty sure he is the enemy. Let's get down to it shall we? I have no will power. None. Zip. Zero. And why??? I have no idea. I do fine alllllllllllllllllll day long, I even had my Qdoba for dinner, and then? Disaster. Chips and everything else random. This was NOT the week to start calorie count again, but I am trying. I will do better. I will lose the last few pounds. I WILL. I was thinking today about my "goal". I thought, well, if I can be 159, then I can be 155.... and well, I can be 150 and....... ok, I need to just stop. First of all, I will NEVER be skinny. I never have been skinny. I am just not built that way. I have never been thin or slight or small boned. I'm a big girl, and it is what it is. Will I reach my goal of walking down the aisle at 159? Absolutely. Will I keep losing weight and get back to my lowest of 137? No. It's not realistic. I can't maintain that weight, and I don't want to end up looking back on wedding pictures with regrets of "oh why can't I be that small again" etc etc. I need to reach my goal and be happy with it. I need to remember that John loves me for who I am, not the unrealistic numbers that i can't really reach. I WILL reach my goal and that is that. The end. And thanks for nothing Will........
It's official. Will. i. Am Power(less). Sigh.
107 days down...73 to go!

Day 106: It's Monday. THE Monday.

I swore that TODAY, I would get back on calories. TODAY I would stop giving excuses. TODAY I would get back on the damn horse and just lose the last few pounds I need to to reach my goal. And then came today. What. a. freaking. day. Let's just say, if I had known what kind of day I was going to have, there is NO WAY I would have pinky swore that today I would start counting again. I'm not going to get into all the nitty gritty that has nothing to do with what this blog about, but I will say this: remember when I said I never remember if you feed a cold and starve a fever or the other way around so I just feed an everything? Well, the number 1 thing I feed is PISSED OFF. My class is getting summer fever which is NOT GOOD. because we have a looooooooooooooong way to go before we are done. But they are making me CrAzY which makes me want to eat. So I did. Thankfully, I didn't have much at school to eat. I even brought last night's dessert and put it in the staff lounge so I wouldn't be tempted to eat 18 mini cakes and 2 lbs of strawberries and a bowl full of chocolate sauce by myself. Because I could. Bet me. I counted out my pretzels and cream cheese, some strawberries (with a TINY drizzle of chocolate. TINY.) and at my yogurt later. That + "breakfast" = 650 calories left for dinner. No problem. I would run my errands and then get Qdoba while I was out. I ended up being totally derailed by my errands and I left a store SO pissed off. Now I had to eat. Qdoba. I stayed focused. I went to Qdoba. They didn't have plain rice (I HATE cilantro. barf). Ooooooooook. So much for that. I head back toward my house. Noodles? Nah. BBQ? Nope. Now the anger and annoyance is building. food. now. Fine. KFC. Ugh. I pull into the parking lot, carefully figure out what I can eat and order. Pull up to the window. "we're out of biscuits. Dinner roll?" NO! No I don't want a freaking DINNER ROLL. Ugh. "No thank you!" I get home. Extra crispy fried chicken. Yup, exactly what I ordered..................................not. fkjsfggfFHFGGFG!!!!!! That's it. I give up. I ate most of it. I was left with 130 calories. I ate dessert. Sugar free dessert shell with strawberries and whipped cream. I went over my calories. by 30. Perfect. In fact, screw it. I just ate 5 Doritos.  I'll try again tomorrow. Sorry Sana Millee!
106 days down... 74 days to go!

Day 103: today's the day

So, ps, I'm still sick. I was in be by 8 last night (hence no blog) and 6am was still an insane struggle. I've been coughing every few minutes and my throat and lungs are so raw from it. I'm just a barrel of cute right now....
Anyway, today I assume is the day that I really break that 1/2pm barrier. I started the day with a sausage biscuit. Yes, I know I swore them off. Yes, I know it made me sick last time. Truthfully, I was banking on that again... As gross at it sounds. Then I ate a breaded fish filet at lunch. Why? I have no idea. Then red robin for dinner with cheese sticks and mayo on my burger because I forgot to say no mayo....idiot.... So yeah, I can assume today is the day that I have officially f'ed up enough to make me gain weight. Sigh. Although I haven't been counting calories and I'm CLEARLY not working out, I still feel extreme guilt for gorging. Monday. Monday HAS to be the day that I get back to it. I need to get to my walk down te aisle weight and THEN i can maintain. Monday. Yes, Monday. Who's with me?!
103 days down...77 to go!

Day 101: Stiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiill Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick

I'm sick of being sick. I'm sick of having a "colb". Now its turned into this lovely hacking cough that sounds distinctly like ebola. I have no idea if that's true. But I am coughing. And it's obnoxious. I never remember the correct statement- "feed a cold, starve a fever"? "feed a fever, starve a cold"? Whatev. I like my method: "feed a cold, feed a fever, feed a cough, feed a headache, feed a charlie horse, feed a muscle cramp, feed a pimple". It's pretty much a rule to live by I think. So of course, that's what I'm doing. Naturally. (and really, was there ever any doubt?) I think I have officially reached my breaking point however. I weighed myself a few minutes ago, and I am up 4.5lbs from this morning. Yes, I KNOW this isn't a true weight, but I also know what my bedtime weight usually is (and yes I KNOW I'm obsessive... and ridiculous...) and I think tomorrow will be the day that I officially gain weight. Which means HOPEFULLY, tomorrow will be the day that I really buckle down, and stop screwing around, and lose the last pounds. (I'm almost a poet and didn't know it). We shall see... For now, I am going to get to bed early and try to fight off this Swine Flu. Just kidding. I don't have swine flu. or bird flu. Don't call the cdc. Seriously.
101 days down...79 to go!

Day 100: Nyquil Blogging

Let me apologize AGAIN for being awol... John was home this weekend and instead of being SO distracted by having him home and all the fun we would be having and all the places we would go, I I was sick. all. freaking. weekend. long. I made it to the mall on Saturday afternoon and then promptly had to take a nap. I was up for a few hours, and then had to take a nap. I sat on the couch and watched John eat dinner.... and then had to take a nap. Sunday was more of the same. Bed, couch, couch, bed. Goodnight. Monday I desperate tried to call in sick and not go to work, but APPARENTLY putting in for a sub at 615am wasn't early enough, so I dragged myself in. Today, I am feeling less achy, (and THANKFULLY the really crappy feeling was gone by Monday) but I am still so congested that my "D's" sound like "B's" and I still clearly have a colb......... and about 20 minutes ago, I took Nyquil..... so please forgive me if my words startslurringandblendingfornoparticularreason.......................................
So that's my excuse as to where I have been. Truthfully, nothing has changed. I haven't worked out. I haven't gone back on calories no matter how many times I have said I was going to. I even had pizza and bread sticks (and let me state that I just typed "cread sticks" and looked at it for 30 seconds trying to figure out why the red squiggle was under the word... nyquil people... NYQUIL) so obviously there is no pressing need (except yes there is!) to go back on calories......I KNOW I KNOW! Where is your leader!? Where is the calorie warrior!? Hungry. That's where she is. Hungry and sweating. And I really REALLY like feeding her...... 6lbs. I need 6 (or 8....) more pounds and then I can be in the freaking 150s for the first time in FOREVER and I can happily main THAT instead of THIS. Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelp!
100 freaking days down! 100 days!!!! 80 days to go! (WHAT!?!?!?!)
nyquil.....ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzjfhsdFJGF;KGUHghsdkjvghkgjhsv................................