Thank you...

Thank you to everyone who read this blog, who got me through trials and tribulations, who listened to me whine, who talked me off the ledge when I needed it. I stopped writing because I felt like I had nothing more to say. I stopped working out. I stopped counting calories. I just stopped. Now here I am 2 1/2 weeks from the wedding... I never reached my final goal, and I can't seem to stay focused long enough to lose the last few pounds. Things I need to remember however is 1) I worked really hard and ultimately lost 25lbs. 2) the dress fits 3) John loves me for who I am, not who I could be, or who I wish I was, or who I strive to be. Me. Just me. And through all this, he always has. And to me that is the most important part of this entire journey. Yes, I am happy with what I was able to accomplish. No, I am not happy that I couldn't make it to my "walk down the aisle weight". But yes, I am so happy and so excited that in a few short weeks, I will be marrying the man I love. Thank you everyone for taking this crazy journey with me!
lots of days down... 17 days to go!

A Different Kind of Blog...

I know I have been absent from writing, but I just feel like I have nothing to say. I am still not doing what I promised, and I can't seem to push myself to finish what I started. Surprise, surprise. I am working steadily on small details so that everything is as perfect as can be for the big day. I have been working a lot on the outside, but today I need to work on the inside. Today's post is very real, very raw, and very much needs to be written so I can truly move forward. Read if you wish, ignore if you would like, judge if you must.

Dear You,
First of all, let me say thank you. Thank you for missing birthdays, and holidays, births, and deaths, and everything in between. Thank you for casting me, and everyone else in your wake aside. Thank you for being everything you said you would be... to everyone else in your life, as long as it wasn't the people who should truly matter. Don't bother trying to step up now, the damage has already been done, and it's way too late for "forgiveness".  We all feel this way so don't bother to try to manipulate others to do your bidding. It won't work. We're all smarter than that, and you really wouldn't have it any other way. Please don't dote on us to strangers, and have pictures of us out in public. I doubt you do, but just in case, don't bother. It's all a lie and everyone can see through your facade. I'm no longer angry, or even hurt. I'm annoyed. I'm annoyed that you couldn't bother. After all this time, you still couldn't bother. You have a new life now. Maybe it's a good one, maybe it's miserable- I have no idea either way. You have shut us all out. I predict that maybe one day, MAYBE you will think back with regret. Maybe you will consider trying to make amends. Maybe you will think that the life you threw away is actually more important, or at least just as important as the life you chose. Again, you won't. That would mean admitting you were wrong. That would mean you would have to stop blaming others, and stop forcing others to feel the need to take the blame. That would mean that your tightly woven web of manipulation would be unraveling. And you will never let anyone see that. Of this I am sure.  I am here to tell you that I am done. I am done taking the blame. I am done feeling backed into a corner. And most importantly, I am done being damaged. That's right. I have moved on.  I am about to marry the man I love, and I will no longer look back on what was before. I am only looking forward, looking ahead to my future. I will no longer be hurt by you. I will no longer be belittled by you. I will no longer feel like I have been tossed aside like yesterday's garbage by you. It's over. I'm done. It's takes two to tango and I am tired of being the one dancing alone. Have a good life, or don't. Either way, you will never be a part of mine again.

Day 109: What a Reject

*Note, this is TECHNICALLY being written on Friday, however it is very much Thursday's blog. I will (possibly) write again today for today's blog.... just go with it....

I'm a reject. It's official. It's not really a NEW realization, but one that hurts just as much as if it was (were?). Today I felt like I was 6 years old again, and my next door neighbor who I THOUGHT was my friend stepped out into the middle of our cul-de-sac while I was riding my bike, and LOUDLY chanted "I'm having a birthday party and you're not inviteeeeeeeeeeed!" It was painful as a 6 year old, and I have to admit, it was just about as painful last night when I realized that I am still not one of the cool kids. Now, it doesn't really matter what the event was, but the fact that I knew about it, was told I would be invited, and I would get more information later, and then never heard a single word about it again until I saw the posts about it reminding me that I was CLEARLY never really invited.... yeah.... that felt good. As I said, I have never been part of the cool kids club. I was never invited to parties in high school, or even college for that matter. I'm always the DD, even now,  because it's always just assumed that I wouldn't be drinking anyway (aka: party pooper). The list goes on, but I don't want to throw myself a pity party (I probably wouldn't be invited to that one anyway.... kidding....). I have normally been ok with not being part of the "in" crowd, because I have always had a small group of really close friends around me. There I was always part of the club, and always (usually) felt wanted. I realized last night that even this group is dwindling. I guess that's my fault too since I "chose to move" (aka: became the evil spawn of satan for wanting a change in my life) I am very grateful for the friends that I have in my life, but I wish that I was closer with some of them... especially the ones who are far. I even decided this morning that I was done blogging. I was done sharing my thoughts and feelings with people who don't really care. I have realized that most of my friends aren't even reading this! Then I decided, who cares!? Let strangers read it! Let people who used to be my friends, that I am pretty damn sure are reading this, read it! Let my family and future family read it! Let my co-workers read it! I have always been an open book, so why should I stop now? My struggle with weight loss has ALWAYS been public, so why not share it with the world?
And what does all this have to do with operation wedding dress? Not a damn thing. Unless you count the rest of the bag of Doritos I finished last night as I moped around the house. Or the full McDonald's breakfast that I scarfed down this morning because I was still in a crappy mood over this stupidity. Yeah, I guess you can count that.....
109 days down...72 to go!
PS- I love you John. Thank you for being my best friend.

Day 107: Who is Will and why does he have so much Power?

Whoever he is, he is no friend of mine. In fact, I am pretty sure he is the enemy. Let's get down to it shall we? I have no will power. None. Zip. Zero. And why??? I have no idea. I do fine alllllllllllllllllll day long, I even had my Qdoba for dinner, and then? Disaster. Chips and everything else random. This was NOT the week to start calorie count again, but I am trying. I will do better. I will lose the last few pounds. I WILL. I was thinking today about my "goal". I thought, well, if I can be 159, then I can be 155.... and well, I can be 150 and....... ok, I need to just stop. First of all, I will NEVER be skinny. I never have been skinny. I am just not built that way. I have never been thin or slight or small boned. I'm a big girl, and it is what it is. Will I reach my goal of walking down the aisle at 159? Absolutely. Will I keep losing weight and get back to my lowest of 137? No. It's not realistic. I can't maintain that weight, and I don't want to end up looking back on wedding pictures with regrets of "oh why can't I be that small again" etc etc. I need to reach my goal and be happy with it. I need to remember that John loves me for who I am, not the unrealistic numbers that i can't really reach. I WILL reach my goal and that is that. The end. And thanks for nothing Will........
It's official. Will. i. Am Power(less). Sigh.
107 days down...73 to go!

Day 106: It's Monday. THE Monday.

I swore that TODAY, I would get back on calories. TODAY I would stop giving excuses. TODAY I would get back on the damn horse and just lose the last few pounds I need to to reach my goal. And then came today. What. a. freaking. day. Let's just say, if I had known what kind of day I was going to have, there is NO WAY I would have pinky swore that today I would start counting again. I'm not going to get into all the nitty gritty that has nothing to do with what this blog about, but I will say this: remember when I said I never remember if you feed a cold and starve a fever or the other way around so I just feed an everything? Well, the number 1 thing I feed is PISSED OFF. My class is getting summer fever which is NOT GOOD. because we have a looooooooooooooong way to go before we are done. But they are making me CrAzY which makes me want to eat. So I did. Thankfully, I didn't have much at school to eat. I even brought last night's dessert and put it in the staff lounge so I wouldn't be tempted to eat 18 mini cakes and 2 lbs of strawberries and a bowl full of chocolate sauce by myself. Because I could. Bet me. I counted out my pretzels and cream cheese, some strawberries (with a TINY drizzle of chocolate. TINY.) and at my yogurt later. That + "breakfast" = 650 calories left for dinner. No problem. I would run my errands and then get Qdoba while I was out. I ended up being totally derailed by my errands and I left a store SO pissed off. Now I had to eat. Qdoba. I stayed focused. I went to Qdoba. They didn't have plain rice (I HATE cilantro. barf). Ooooooooook. So much for that. I head back toward my house. Noodles? Nah. BBQ? Nope. Now the anger and annoyance is building. food. now. Fine. KFC. Ugh. I pull into the parking lot, carefully figure out what I can eat and order. Pull up to the window. "we're out of biscuits. Dinner roll?" NO! No I don't want a freaking DINNER ROLL. Ugh. "No thank you!" I get home. Extra crispy fried chicken. Yup, exactly what I ordered..................................not. fkjsfggfFHFGGFG!!!!!! That's it. I give up. I ate most of it. I was left with 130 calories. I ate dessert. Sugar free dessert shell with strawberries and whipped cream. I went over my calories. by 30. Perfect. In fact, screw it. I just ate 5 Doritos.  I'll try again tomorrow. Sorry Sana Millee!
106 days down... 74 days to go!

Day 103: today's the day

So, ps, I'm still sick. I was in be by 8 last night (hence no blog) and 6am was still an insane struggle. I've been coughing every few minutes and my throat and lungs are so raw from it. I'm just a barrel of cute right now....
Anyway, today I assume is the day that I really break that 1/2pm barrier. I started the day with a sausage biscuit. Yes, I know I swore them off. Yes, I know it made me sick last time. Truthfully, I was banking on that again... As gross at it sounds. Then I ate a breaded fish filet at lunch. Why? I have no idea. Then red robin for dinner with cheese sticks and mayo on my burger because I forgot to say no mayo....idiot.... So yeah, I can assume today is the day that I have officially f'ed up enough to make me gain weight. Sigh. Although I haven't been counting calories and I'm CLEARLY not working out, I still feel extreme guilt for gorging. Monday. Monday HAS to be the day that I get back to it. I need to get to my walk down te aisle weight and THEN i can maintain. Monday. Yes, Monday. Who's with me?!
103 days down...77 to go!

Day 101: Stiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiill Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick

I'm sick of being sick. I'm sick of having a "colb". Now its turned into this lovely hacking cough that sounds distinctly like ebola. I have no idea if that's true. But I am coughing. And it's obnoxious. I never remember the correct statement- "feed a cold, starve a fever"? "feed a fever, starve a cold"? Whatev. I like my method: "feed a cold, feed a fever, feed a cough, feed a headache, feed a charlie horse, feed a muscle cramp, feed a pimple". It's pretty much a rule to live by I think. So of course, that's what I'm doing. Naturally. (and really, was there ever any doubt?) I think I have officially reached my breaking point however. I weighed myself a few minutes ago, and I am up 4.5lbs from this morning. Yes, I KNOW this isn't a true weight, but I also know what my bedtime weight usually is (and yes I KNOW I'm obsessive... and ridiculous...) and I think tomorrow will be the day that I officially gain weight. Which means HOPEFULLY, tomorrow will be the day that I really buckle down, and stop screwing around, and lose the last pounds. (I'm almost a poet and didn't know it). We shall see... For now, I am going to get to bed early and try to fight off this Swine Flu. Just kidding. I don't have swine flu. or bird flu. Don't call the cdc. Seriously.
101 days down...79 to go!