Now ya done pissed off mama bear...

I 'm mad.
Scratch that.
I'm downright PISSED OFF.

Yesterday, I attended a march. A rally. My very first vocally supported cause. I wasn't sure I wanted to. I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know if we'd even be safe. But I went. As a friend. As a support. As a teacher. As a human being. And it was AMAZING. 50,000+ people packed into a park over 3,000 miles away from the most recent school shooting. Strangers. Adults. Students. CHILDREN. We rallied together. We marched.

We chanted words of PEACE. We were a unanimous chorus of voices. People stood on the sidelines and cheered us on. Children excited the crowds. (Even Girl Scout cookies were purchased!) And we marched.

Other than 1 (literally 1) lowly "protester" with his "Dont tread on me" flag and "you won't take MY guns" sign who walked about 300 feet behind the last marcher, there was no one there against us. No one yelling words of opposition. "What is there to oppose?" I said to my friends. "Who could be against LIVING?!"

And then I went home...

Once home, I was first met with pictures and videos posted by my friends around the country and the marches they attended. I watched speeches from other rallies and felt a sense of PRIDE. These kids,  some as young as 9 years old were poised, and eloquent, and beautiful in front of these HUGE crowds sharing a message of peace. My eyes welled up with tears when I thought for a moment that this, THIS was the day that would start the change. THIS was the day that would light the fire. THIS was the day that would go down in history as the day that the world started to become a better place for our children, and their children.

And then I kept reading. After all the beauty and the power of the day, I was met by the "keyboard warriors" spouting rhetoric of hate on public pages. So much anger toward children. People screaming in fear about having their guns and gun rights stripped away because some "dumb kids" thought it should happen. When was that brought up exactly? When was it stated that law abiding citizens who obtain weapons legally were going to have teams of people invade their homes and take away all their guns?! The only message that I heard, one that I think was shared throughout the country was stricter laws about obtaining weapons in the future. "Crazy" things like longer waiting periods to purchase weapons to help deter crimes of passion and training on the proper use of these weapons. Laws such as reevaluation of people once they have weapons to ensure that they aren't now that a danger to themselves or others. The opportunity for weapons to be removed IF someone is deemed a danger to themselves or others. Where is the problem!? How is trying to make things SAFER for EVERYONE a problem? And when did it become acceptable for grown adults to mock and threaten children who have an idea?!
Now I was angry.

But it didn't stop there. I figured getting off public forums and returning to the safe haven of my own friends list was a much better place to be. Back to the pictures and videos of peace. But I was wrong. I quickly discovered how many of my "friends" were saying the same types of things that I was reading on the public pages. People I KNOW. People I grew up with. People with CHILDREN. How was it possible that I was reading words of fear and concern for weapons, but not fear and concern for HUMAN LIFE?! Saying things like these students, students who have been through hell, shouldn't be  allowed to speak!? Shouldn't have a say in the matter!? Shouldn't be "spouting the agenda of "snowflakes?!", and being compared to NAZIS!? Children. Children who are sick of burying their friends. Children who would like to feel safe in school. Children who are asking and PLEADING for help from adults. These are the children who are being compared to Nazis. Children Who are getting HITLER mustaches drawn on their pictures. Having their images photoshopped to look like they are tearing documents in half and being called disgusting names. Children. Throwing an entire generation  under a bus for the stupid actions of some.
And now I'm pissed.

This WILL be a time of change. This WILL be the turning point. Because it has to be...

Never Ending Story....

Well.... here I am, back again. You already know what that means. I know I am not the only person in the world who struggles with weight loss, but it is still so discouraging to see how many times I have restarted this blog (and restarted a diet). This time I really have no motivation. And I really should. I mean I REALLY, REALLY should. Here's a little recap of what you have missed in the last year plus since I have written....
1) It's no secret that I am fat. Yes, fat. Not big boned. Not "pleasantly plump". FAT.  No, you don't need to roll your eyes and giggle and say I'm not. I am. I have accepted that description.
2) It's also not really a secret that I want to have a baby. What you may not know is that I had a miscarriage in November. Now, everyone will tell you that it's not your fault, and that there was nothing that you could do, and it was all in God's plan or whatever. In my head, I did this. Somehow. Even if its not true. I am very much aware that being FAT can increase risk of miscarriage. I also know that not doing anything about it, can lead to more complications later on. Yet, here I sit.

Even with all that, I haven't done anything about it. In fact, as heavy as I was in November, I have actually gained weight since. And not just a pound or two. More like, "I have 3 pairs of pants left that fit me, and when I went shopping the other day and the next size up wouldn't zip and I walked out of the store so I didn't cry, but instead I went home and ate <shocker> kind of weight gain". But I digress.

I decided that other day that maybe I am approaching this all wrong. I'm a teacher. I know how to get kids to do things that they don't necessarily want to do. I know how to motivate. I bribe them. That's right. Bribe. And ask any teacher in the world and they will agree. Now, don't go thinking I am some evil entity. I'm all for intrinsic motivation, but I'm also a realist. When I want the kids to pick up the trillion pieces of scrap paper on the floor, I have "mystery trash" and whoever finds it gets a classroom dollar. When I want to make sure that they are on their best behavior in public, I have a competition about who can be the quietest in line. Don't judge me. Point being, if I can use that tactic with 8 year olds, then maybe I can bribe myself. Maybe I can set levels for myself and earn "prizes" for reaching them so the overall task doesn't seem so daunting. Maybe I can actually motivate myself to get up, work out, and do something about what I have become. Then again, maybe I will just eat a chocolate donut and try again tomorrow. We shall see....
Thanks for reading, and welcome back to The Never Ending Story....

yum and more yum!

So, today I tried not one, but TWO amazing low calorie recipe, and I MUST share them with you IMMEDIATELY. Trust me, if you like cheese and/or dessert, you should read on. If not, then you aren't human anyway. So here are the super simple recipes for two amazing LOW CALORIE foods that you must make NOW!!!!!

One more preface.... one is stolen in part from Hungry Girl, so I will link her recipe too, (although I didn't enjoy it nearly as much as my modified recipe) I will also say that she kind of annoys me for some reason, so I am always damn determined to make her recipes better and/or lower calorie. Success.
Recipe #1: Mac & Cheese
Ingredients: 
2 oz Ronzoni Smart Taste penne pasta (if you haven't already discovered this pasta, you should! 170 calories for real non whole wheaty tasting pasta vs 210 for other pasta)
1 wedge of Laughing Cow cheese (choose your flavor- I used tomato & basil because it's what I had)
1 slice of 2% Kraft American or Cheddar cheese
1 tbsp low fat sour cream 
1/8 cup panko breadcrumbs (I use Kikoman because it has the lowest amount of calories) 
Directions: Microwave cheese for 30 seconds. Stir. Microwave for another 30 seconds. Pour on cooked pasta. (Yeah its that easy) To fancy it up, top the mac & cheese with panko and toast for 10 minutes in the oven. (totally worth it) Add some crumbled turkey bacon for a little extra.
total calories (without bacon): 268
HG recipe: http://www.hungry-girl.com/show/edible-idols-bacon-and-peanut-butter-blt-rific-mac-n-cheese-recipe

...and now for the BEST. recipe. ever.
Recipe #2: Chocolate cupcakes with chocolate frosting
Ingredients:
Pillsbury sugar free Devil's Food cake mix 
4 egg whites 
1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce
1 1/4 cup water (according to box directions) 
1 can Pillsbury whipped chocolate frosting
Directions:
(I can't stress this part enough) Put the applesauce in a blender or other blending device until it no longer looks like applesauce, but has more of an oil consistency. (aka: puree it).  Mix cake mix, pureed applesauce, and egg whites together. Bake for 20 minutes. Makes 24 cupcakes. 65 calories each. Seriously.
Top with 1 tbsp of frosting for an added 45 calories (again, totally worth it.)
total calories: 110. Seriously. And DELICIOUS. Not "diety" or sugar-free tasting, or applesaucey AT ALL.

So when I say go do it people, I mean it. You will thank me later!

week 5 in all it's "gory"

So here we are... week 5 weigh in. The mid-point of the Biggest Loser games. I thought I would be down AT LEAST 10lbs by now, but thanks to 2 weeks of increase, and baaaaaaaaasically eating whatever I wanted on date day on Saturday, I'm not.

The week itself was a continued struggle as always, but if I thought I was ready for anything, I was sadly mistaken. Enter "the trainer". John had 2 personal training sessions included with his new gym membership. It was recommend that he should meet with "the best". The "guy who is poised to take over soon" etc. It showed. He had him doing things that he probably hadn't done since high school. He came home exhausted, but excited. I couldn't wait for my turn. Ok, so I COULD wait. I was terrified that he was going to leave me as a whimpering puddle of pain in the middle of the gym floor. Finally, Friday arrived. I was told to eat extra calories to prepare myself for the awesome hell that was before me. The trainer said we would start with "a few" questions, and then he would show me some examples of what the sessions would look like if I chose to purchase training (for the low, low price of $1600 mind you................). I painfully answered what my weight was but was very proud to announce that I "already lost 9 pounds!" I realize in hindsight that my words probably sounded very similar to Ralph Wiggam's "I'm a unitard!" and I felt like my 4th graders telling a random fact in the middle of reading group. He looked at me pathetically. He tested me body fat, and his eyes widened. Yes. Widened. He then proceeded to tell me that A) I am obese. B) my body fat is 20% higher than "ideal" for my height  C) I need to lose 35lbs MORE beyond the (whopping) 9 that I have already done. and finally, D) That "normally" it should take about 30 weeks to do that, but in "my case" it will probably take about 50.....Well nothing makes a girl want to run out into traffic faster. He decided that it might be better instead of actually working out, that he should determine my fitness level instead. He also (oh so delicately.....) informed me that EVERYTHING I am currently doing is wrong. That the kickboxing class that I was SO proud of completing is "way beyond me". That the machines that the gym is FULL OF "do nothing". That the reason I always gain my weight back is because I focus too much on cardio, and of course, not the correct kind, or amount of it. EVERYTHING. From that point on, he treated me like I was a 99 year old woman. Pitying looks. Sad little "you can do its" and "oh don't worry about its" throughout the rest of the session. I'm pretty sure he even gave John a sideways "I'm so sorry that you have to deal with THIS every day of your life man" look. But that could be my imagination. Although I don't think so.

The moral of the story is, I went home and cried. And sulked. And ate. I'm pretty sure we can cross him off the list for motivational speaker of the year.....

Water for Elephant

So here we are, week 4. I've decided that I'm not going to update you on the daily ins and outs of my life because A) who cares? and 2) my day to day is pretty much the same always. Instead, I will write once a week at least, more if something thrilling and exciting happens....but don't count on it.

So, good news since I last wrote.... I am FINALLY down a little bit! Hallelujah! I was beginning to think that maybe it wasn't ME that was the problem, but the scale that was for some reason stuck. Yeah,that must have been the problem. Don't remind me how illogical that is since my husband was weighing in and HIS weight was not the same as mine, and was changing. I like my story, so I'm sticking to it! Anyway, now that the scale is fixed, it's finally giving me different results. I think I finally figured out the secret. Water. Yup, the Colorado "Windex" if you will. The cure all for all that ails 'ya strikes again. I knew that I probably wasn't drinking enough in the first place, so I decided (with a SMALL amount of suggestion from my husband...............) that I should increase my daily water intake. Wouldn't you know it, he was right. (don't get used to it baby ;) ) Since I upped my ounces, the weight is starting to come off again. Combine that with the 200+ crunches a day, and varying my workouts, not to mention 15 trips to the bathroom a day, and I think I am really on to something!!!!

Now I am left with the theory that its ONLY water weight that I'm losing, and not real weight. Does this mean that if I decrease my water, I will start gaining again? Am I really just an overgrown water balloon with a small pin-hole leak? I would like to think it's more than that. I am currently 1lb from my first goal- 10 lbs, and I am hoping its really not 10lbs of water. It doesn't seem like much, especially in 5 weeks time, but its a start. My next is 20lbs by Vegas. I have 5 more weeks for that to happen. We shall see......

Keep the comments, encouragements, and suggestions coming! I love reading what you guys have to say!

Oh, and Dana M, and Denise W... you guys are my heroes!

week 3 and the tale of why I've been so quiet

It's hard to sit down every day and be witty and funny (at least that's what I try to do) when you feel like crap. No, crap doesn't really describe it; more like an old deflated balloon. I feel like no matter what I do this time I can't seem to lose weight. I mean, I could literaly copy and paste my blog from last week and that would sum up my week again. Still counting calories. Still weighing my food. Still working out, and changing my workouts (just like I was told) a few times a week. And still gaining weight. It just doesn't make any sense. Thankfully it's not a huge amount of weight, but when all you want to see is the numbers go down, the last thing you want to see week after freaking week is the numbers slowly creeping up.

Yesterday I actually felt pretty good. It was the first day all week the scale finally broke my plateau number. My pants even felt baggy! I just KNEW that when I got on the scale this morning for the official weigh in that I would be ok..... until I got on the scale this morning and not only was I back up a whole pound from yesterday, but I am another 0.2lbs up from last week's weigh in (those of you keeping score... this is 2 weeks in a row of being up 0.2lbs from the week before.) I just don't get it. My poor husband is getting the worst of it. Every morning I jump out of bed just SURE that today will be a good weigh in. And every morning I crawl back into bed with tears streaming down my face about what a loser (and not in a good way...) I am. I'm sick of the cycle. Of course, I know I should do something about it. So this morning I did. I ate McDonalds. Now I know that isn't going to help matters what-so-ever. And I'm sure that when I get on the scale tomorrow morning I'm going to feel even worse about my decision. In fact, what I thought would heal my wounded heart this morning (since food makes everything oh so much better.........) is making me feel worse now. Let's just hope that this ridiculous amount of calories at 7 in the morning will actually jump start my metabolism.................. or something...............

Sigh. Anyone else feel this way??? Or am I the only one thinking of chopping off a limb just to see a lower number on the scale?!?!?! Yeah... I feared as much........

Operation: W.T.F

That's right... WTF? Those of you who know me, or at least followed this blog last year know that I may whine and complain and bitch... and complain.... and bellyache....about working out and/or dieting. And you also probably aready know that it takes me FOREVER to get motivated, but once I do, I'm like a bullet train, full steam ahead (yes, I KNOW bullet trains don't use steam... at least I don't think so.... but it's an analogy people... work with me!) and nothing will stop me. I start weighing out food, working out religiously, and start steadily dropping pounds. This time? Not-so-much........

After my kick-ass first week weigh in, I was feeling pretty damn proud of myself. I was in 1st place in one game, 2nd in another, and we won the couple challenge. I continued what I had been doing- counting calories, weighing food, and even started back up at the gym. The day after the weigh in, I was UP 1.5lbs. What?! Ok.... deep breathing...... I "dealt" with it. But don't ask my husband about it.... he will deny any "dealing with it"of any sort...... the weight slowly crept back down. Week 2 weigh in..... UP 0.2lbs from week 1. Ok..... BREATHE. I went back and read my blog from week 2 last year. I weighed in at 0.00% difference in week 2. I can handle this.... since then (Tuesday), I was UP another 0.2lbs Wednesday and ANOTHER 0.2lbs Today. W.T.F.

I haven't had a single cheat day, even though I thought at like 2 or 3 times I surely would.... I have worked out every other day (even adding a bonus Biggest Loser ass kicking last night (and yes Melissa, as promised, my ass HURTS!)) and yet, still, UP 0.6lbs since the week 1. Doesn't my body understand that continuing to do this is going to QUICKLY end my motivation!? Doesn't it realize that cash and prizes only goes so far, and if I keep this up, everyone will continue whizzing by me and there will be nothing I can do about it!? Isn't it in cohoots with my pants, when they are squeezing the life out of it, trying to hold the button steady until I can get to the privacy of my own home and take a deep breath again!? DOESN'T IT GET IT!? Apparently not. WTF.